A little girl and her dreams

I'll see you all on the other side

2007-01-07T18:33:00.000Z

Well. its been a year. Its been a good year but I hafta tell you good people something. I'm leaving.

Yep. End of blog, end of catfood, end of everyfing here. Can't be bothered.

It's not that I dont like it here its just..well...okay being honest me and daddy just spent the ENTIRE weekend without food or drink or anything cause we've been making a website and thats where i'm gonna live from now on.

So if you wanna come play there theres a forum and polls and a whole heap of new stuff that blogger just wouldnt put up with....nasty skuzzy fake fruit.... It was good but I think that this new place could be someplace really special especially if my friends come and play there with me. Blogger seems to realy be wanting me to get a google account and do all this new stuff and I dont want to do it so we're doing something else instead kay.

So without further ado I invite you all to.......

IKKLESPACE

You dont have to join to see the blog but the if you want to see things like nappy reviews and the Ab stuff not to mention become a member of the forum part then yoo kinda hafta register. but its not compusory and doent cost anything fi you do kay.

Maybe see you there and if not then haf fun and stay safe

BYEEE

Hope will see you through

2007-01-06T09:18:00.000Z

You know. I'm feeling much better today. the past couple of days i've been feeling really lousey for...well read previous post for details. I took yesterday off work too but instead of moping around I learnt a whole heap of japanese so at least I did something productive right?
I talked to a couple of friends about what was going on and obviously I talked to daddy on the night it happened and I even got a really lovely email from a friend saying she'd been through the same sort of stuff. everyone has been really good to me and supportive and it really has helped a tonne and a half.
If she wants to be bitter and angry then thats her choice I guess. i cant change her personality and if she wants to just dwell on negative things then thats really sad but her decision. One of my friends said its easier to dwell on the hurtful stuff than remember the good stuff, thats probably true huh. Again thats quite sad though.
Its really dissapointing that things have happened the way they have between me and her but like everyone has said just because of the actions of one person that shouldnt be the reason why I dont trust anyone else. Also I have so much to look forward to I shouldnt be feeling depressed. Next weekend there a pantomime and a meal and another meal to go to, the weekend after that I'm up seeing my folks and having a second xmas and then the weekend after that Im at camp having a third xmas. Things cant be bad if a girl can have 3 christmasses although that does sound a little greedy huh.
But yeah. Tonnes of stuff to get excited about, not to mention japanese classes start on thursday and drivings been going pretty well. I'm a bit worried actually caus I just got course infromation through about the japanese course I signed up for and it turns out you kinda need to know some japanese first. its just as well ive been teaching myself a little bit so mebbe i'll beable to muddle through either that or im gonna feel like a right plonker on thursday sitting there with everything going over my head, but the course is non refundable so I may as well give it a shot.
taking down the tree today, should have been done yesterday but couldnt be bothered.

Im sure there was something important I was gonna say. I cant remember. Ive kinda woken up a little odd cause I had this strange dream which mixed pirates of the carribean with legend of zelda windwaker. Very odd Im not gonna go into details cause that would take forever to expain the plot and suchlike. I never have dull dreams its always full blown movie type escapades but they just dont make alot of sense, Well I just dont make alot of sense ever anyway.

but no matter what happens in my life, its important to hold onto my dreams (although not ones about pirates of the caribbean and zelda) and to be true to who I am. So long as I try my best at everything and anything then if stuff does go wrong I can know that i tried as hard as I could. I gave it my all

If it wasnt for you

2007-01-04T16:19:00.000Z

Staring at the blank screen for ages, not knowing how to say what I want to say....

life sometimes really hurts. you think you're over something and then find out that actually no. I feel like I have to pretend to be strong but im not pretending very well at the moment. I had to take the afternoon off actually cause I just couldnt face work. the monotony of what I was doing gave me too much time to think about things and so I got myself in a bad state.

Let me explain. last night I got an email from louise (for anyone who doesnt know she was my mummy for 5 years and my best friend for 12, things went pear shaped between us in 2005 and as a result I ended up living with daddy) Anyway I got an email from her last night quoting an email i sent her in december 2005 saying how I had promised to pay her back money that I had borrowed and so last nights email was her cashing in on that. In fairness I had completely forgotten about it due to the fact that she never replied to my emails and suchlike so I assumed she just wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and the fact she had also left me with more than my fair share of a 3,500 pound credit card bill to pay I kinda assumed she had just called all that quits. but apparently no. So that was sad in a really dissapointing way, but I paid the 200 pounds she was demanding through paypal. now she really does have nothing she can hold against me whatsoever. I've given her everything she could possibly ask for. But the fact that in her email she said horrible things like I never keep my promises and that The things I have done since we broke up have proven to her that i'm not a person she wants to be around. these things she said really really hurt me.

They're not from the louise I used to know they're not from the one I considered my soulmate and that makes me feel so sad.
Someone I trusted and loved with all of my heart and all of sammys heart it makes my whole foundation feel hollow.

I believe that you should live by a certain code, always try and be true to yourself to be kind to others do you upmost best to keep any promises made, and well...I guess its an old fashioned way of thinking, but I believe I have always acted with kindness and understanding. I dont know if thats me being niave. I mean if I was mean I could do all sorts of things. post up that post I took down with real names and addresses for example. email certain individuals directly with information they didnt know. I'm not mean though. I keep secrets people tell me. I keep my mouth shut if I cant say nice things. But why? I mean being good. it's never gotten me anywhere. People say they love me and they'll never fall out with me or we'll always make up and talk if we do fall out so we can fix the problem. but thats the sorta stuff louise used to say and now shes really very much the opposite. Even to the point of if we ever bump into one another shes said she'll just completely blank me. I think i'd be too scared to go up to her anyway. i dont think i'd be able to handle being blanked by her in person. That would just be too cruel

Daddy says I cant not trust people just because of a couple of people have hurt me in this way, but im scared. I thought I was over all this. i care about louise I truely do. I always have done and always will do, But I just dont understand. I honest to god really am getting to the point of being at my wits end about all this. I cant put it right and probably will never be able to. A friend at work has told me to block her email address and such so she cant contact me, but a sliver of optimism in all this still believes that one day she'll suddenly realise what a stupidhead shes been being and will come round and email me.

She seems so full of hate and bitter about stuff and that really depresses me. I remember when people used to upset her or make her angry she would just block them entirely from her life and just focus on their bad points and to be honest im afraid that thats what shes done with me. All the fun times we've had are suddenly non existant and so she can only dwell on the arguments and the mistakes I made.

I mean I made mistakes, im not perfect, i've never pretended to be but she made mistakes too right? i'm not the only one at fault. she had an equal share in the downfall yet when she emails me it comes across as though im the only one at fault. I said wrong things at the wrong time and if I could I would take them back, but life doesnt work like that. But to not even give me a second chance. Was I just fooling myself. She was my soulmate but to discard me so easily maybe I wasnt hers.

Daddy says he loves me, will the same thing happen between me and him? I cant possibly know that, he can reassure me all he wants but in the end noone can predict the future. So I hafta think for myself. I have to find security from somewhere in all this reestablish that faith in people as a whole that they wont hurt me in the hateful ways that louise recently has done, but at the moment i'm just feeling lost....and cold.

I've gone and done it now

2007-01-02T17:58:00.000Z

Well A few things to report...

first off today was first day back at work. It didnt drag as long as I was expecting in fact I had plenty to be getting on with so the day kinda sped past but Im very tired now.

The other thing I have to report is I signed up for japanese lessons. Instead of simply just daydreaming about doing something like that I've actually gone and done it. So Thursday the 11th is when I start and it is 2 hours a week until the end of may. Im excited but scared. im not very good at doing stuff like this by myself but I've already paid for the course so I hafta go. I already know bits and bobs of japanese. it also comes from watching too much cardcaptors sakura. today at work I was expecting people to come in saying Ohayo gozaimasu (good morning) funnily enough no one did. It reminded me of the time I played too much tony hawks pro skater on playstation and then for like a whole week I went around eyeing up the local area for things to skate on or perform tricks off of. or the time I played Grand theft auto to death and just felt really like blowing stuff up with grenade launchers and flame throwers.

Cardcaptors is ace but it puts me in a bad mood cause I soo desperately want to be magic that its just not fair that this world is boring and non magic. We need magic here people. I wanna beable to be someone magic and special. Mebbe magic does exist but we just dont know how to tap into it properly. It seems that things like elves and goblins and trolls and such like perhaps mebbe did exist a long time ago but mebbe have dissapeared now cause we're not (as a whole) very much in touch with those sorts of things anymore. I'd like to think that way at least theres hope of mebbe getting those sorts of things back again. it would be cool to suddenly wake up and find magic in the world.

Anyway i gotta go. Zelda is calling

A long long time ago

2006-12-31T14:34:00.000Z

A long long time ago this was me. Probably between 2 and 3 mebbe a little younger but not by much, A girl, I could say with a lot of hopes and dreams and such but to be honest at that stage of life I probably believed the world was about the size of my back garden. I can remember much of that point in my life, but I was apparenty always happy and rarely cried. looking back on the pictures life always seems so sunny, but i guess you dont really take pictures of your children when they're crying or when its raining.

I just spent a pleasant lunch with daddy and one of his friends. I would like to say she is my friend too but at the moment she is more of an aquaintence as I still dont know that much about her to call her a friend but i would dearly like to beable to say she is my friend one day. We talked today about how life is what you make of it. if theres something dissapointing you in life or making you feel stressed theres not much point in just whining about it. you need to do something to improve your situation.

I have to reflect today for it seems the done thing to do on the last day of the year. to look back and assess and remember how i've gotten to the point I am at today.

This is the year I started this blog, this is also the year I went to my first camp and made so many new friends. I learnt alot about myself and about other people. I have seen so many new things and tried many new experiences like train stripping, hot air balloon riding, going to a foreign country, going to funerals, learning to drive, learning platypuses were poisonous, being promoted, flying kites, going to soft play centres, going to gigs, creating new songs. I've grown up in so many different ways, i've become more independant more balanced I feel

Some of these things will continue well into the new year and beyond, some were sad experiences or stressful experiences. Some made me cry some made me smile. its the way of life it cant all be sunny even if after a few years all you remember is the sunny stuff.

I have to look to the future now. (and the future is icecream) my dreams and aspirations for the year to come, so when it comes to this time next year I can look back and feel that either i've done rather well or i've failed miserably. Either way it will be interesting to read this at the beginning of 2008.

I hope that I shall be able to drive by this time next year. if I havent passed within the year i shall feel most dissapointed and rather ashamed of myself it shouldnt take that long surely I mean even by easter I should have driving down to a point where I can comfortably pass. I'd like to be slimmer. The temptation of pavlovas and mincepies have been too much to bear this year so i feel ive made quite a pig of myself in some cases. i think to myself that a couplle of years ago I was on that space food diet so throughtout the whole of xmas I didnt eat a single thing. That was difficult. By the end of the year I intend to be healthy, but isnt that the stereotypical new years resolution that everyone makes after too much xmas indulgance. Still a little less beer and a few more vegetables wont kill me right? (you watch im gonna choke to death on a carrot or something now that i've said that)
I want to improve myself to feel good about myself to actually achieve something and make people proud of me. I may take up learning japanese as its not too far away, I'd like to start up creative writing again to see how far that gets me. i'd love to actually get some of my songs recorded.
In regards to me and daddy, i fink we need to sit down and seriously talk about what we're gonna do and come up with a battleplan. i spend so much time when im working on a computer game leveling up characters and coming up with strategies that its ridiculous that I dont do something similar with my own life. I cant just expect it to fall into place without any hard work. Like where are we as a couple gonna be this time next year? A new job hopefully for me, mebbe a new kitchen and a new decorated house in general and if not that then perhaps even a whole new house. my credit card should be long gone by then so perhaps I can start helping with things like bils or just saving money to get stuff done. That in itself would give me confidence and allow me to feel like this is my house too.

I want to be able to feel good about myself. I want to be there more often for my friends and to make new friends along the way. I want to share my expeiences and to have people to lean on during difficult parts of the year. I want to say thankyou to those who I have spoken to this year and who have spoken to me and just generally been in my life. I feel I have learnt alot about myself this year and kinda started to properly realise that I can be who i want to be and try my hardest to acheieve the things I want in life.

I am in a near constant state of feeling loved cherished and truely blessed and while I may have had down moments in 2006 the general consensus is its been a really good year to be alive.

Its almost all over

2006-12-30T21:57:00.000Z

You think looking at the title i'm talking about the whole year dont you. After all its the 30th today and so the end of the year is tomoro, but nonono thats not what im talking about at all.

Cardcaptors sakura. Daddy got me all 70 episodes and a couple of movies and through a couple of days of obsessive watching theres only like 25 or so episodes left. poor daddy. I mean I love the series but Im kinda feeling the strain myself but I cant help it. I cant wait for it to get to the good stuff. So many people have told me that cardcaptor sakura is much better than the english version named cardcaptors (and in my opinion cardcaptors was ace...I even had my own set of clow cards and everything), but so far to me there hasnt been that much difference...well Im pretty sure li's infatuation with yuki was dumbed down for the uk kid audience and a few other bits but mebbe I need to wait till it starts getting deeper to notice the major differences.

But yes so now im all hyped with kero. keroberos the protector of the cards as such. Who loves sweet things I know how he feels. I have eaten so many sweet things recently that Im kinda craving things like tomatoes and cucumber and you know healthy things which is good cause come tuesday im back on a diet. im seeing my folks in a fortnights time and I wanna shift a bit of the weight ive put on since last I saw them.

I had to go to work today it wasnt too bad, but im really dreading going back to work on tuesday Ahhhhh well cant live free forever I guess. im really gonna work on getting a new job now. Im also considering strongly developing some kinda skill. what with all the anime i've watched recently I kinda wanna learn japanese again, I tried to find some photos earlier today and also found my japanese book collection so mebbe i'll start reading some of those again. or theres a class starting up relatively close to where I live on thursday nights so mebbe i'll go to that. Im having to watch money closely at the moment though, just cause what with travelling up to aberdeen on the 19th and then going to camp at teh end of the month too I hafta save money for hotels and train tickets yadda yadda yoo know what its like. january is a bleak bleak month when it comes to finances. Still my credit card is almost non existence 600 quid left on it and its bye bye. it would have been bye bye last month but driving lessons took 300 outta it so Oooh never mind. I'll get it sorted pretty soon now.

But anyway gotta go away now kay. Speak to you all 2moro

sleeeeeepy

2006-12-29T11:16:00.000Z

Christmas has been awesome. its been so relaxed, even though we've done tonnes of stuff. me and daddy went to see rosie the other day and we had a second xmas dinner and we then played guitar hero for ages. Then we went and sorted out a little bit more of the train and said happy xmas to it, and then the next day (which was yesterday we had mel and jane over and guess what people...no seriously seriously...you hafta pay attention here. I BEAT Jane at bowling AND baseball on Wii sports.

Oooh if anyone has a Wii and yoo want me to send my Miis over to you or post a note to yoo just drop me yoor wii address and I'll send them over to play in your games. Theyre awesome I've had hours of fun making miis. last nite we didnt go to bed till 4am we went to the pub after jane and mel left then on the way back from the pub we got invited next door for a drink and then we came home and I played some guitar hero. im almost finished medium level on the career mode been playing stuff like sweet child of mine and the next song I hafta pay is jessica (you know the top gear theme tune) and its pretty difficult on easy so i wonder how hard its gonna be on medium.

But Yes...Im gonna hafta start seriously thinking about what im gonna do here on the blog for new years day. im back to work on the 2nd so im planning on having an early night on new years day. im secretly looking forward to it cause im sooo tired, but ive tried to get up at my normal time or my bodyclocks gonna be super wrong come tuesday and I really dont want that. But little kids like me shouldnt say stuff like I want to go to bed. its a rule that no matter how tired you are, no matter how much you just wish daddy will say "Right bed young lady" you hafta protest and try and convince him your not tired, and thats just silly cause ten yoo never sleep and you end up with repetitive stress injuries from playing too much fake plastic guitar.

Sighs contentedly

2006-12-26T01:04:00.000Z

What a great day. its been stress free and just really relaxing. I phoned my family at 1am and made sure I had woken them up shouting down the phone *ITS CHRISTMAS ITS CHRISTMAS" my sister emma was none too chuffed, funnily enough though I found it quite amusing.

I woke daddy up at about 6 am I reckon but then he shushed me and rocked me and stroked me rhythemetically for a few moments and I felled back asleep and woke up again bout 7 where I jumped all over him adn everytually made him get outta bed.

I was in a super thick nappy from one daddy ad put me in the night before and my all in one pink footed sleeper and together we made our way downstairs to see if santa had come and guess what....he had. man have I been spoilt this year, like seriously seriously I cant get over the cool stuff.

My santa list consisted of a picture of a book and that was it. And instead sammy got a book and a red ballon that says merry christmas sammy love santa, and a bouncy ball soft chew thing, and a whale book thats so soft and fuzzy I just wanna sit with my head on it all day and a wooden primary coloured xylophone, although why santa gets kids presents that are noisy and drive the parents round the bend I dunno. but its really good cause its fun to hit. My stocking was filled with a few sweeties I havent seen for ages, poppets and frosties and a kinder egg and some mini eggs and a cadburys egg...I fink mebbe santa is trying for the easterbunnys job...and a push pop and jut so many different things So this year sammy did really well...but you know what big me did ace too. jane got me the playstation guitar game which I was really gobsmacked about, and I got a insect exploring kit from adam and dee which was super ace. I also got lots of stuff from pauls parents and gran. thinks like really soft socks and a really pretty scarf and a selection box and some toys. they know me so well already that quite alot of the stuff is silly kiddie sort of things. Daddy got me cardcaptors sakura on dvd which was really amazing cause I know that daddy doesnt know that much about anime but he got me one I really really liked even though I dont really remember telling him about it, so that was a really nice shock

My main present was a guitar amp. im sooo psyched about that. ive never had one and now I feel like a proper musician which is funny cause im nothing of the sort, but it was like when I got a guitar strap i felt really like a true guitarist cause I could stand up and play at the same time. But teh amp means really i can go and gig properly and stuff by myself. I doubt that'll ever happen. Im too shy, but the pipe dream is there. I was soo stoked about the amp that when daddy handed me what i assumed to be a dvd and I opened it to find a wii game in my hands...not just any wii game but the legend of zelda wii game I looked at the final box under the tree and put two and two together and pretty much hit the roof. I was really really wanting one of those but I didnt dare dream of one cause well theyre hard to get and expensive and well I know i've been good but not nearly that good. So I haf been playing wii alot.
Daddy got some stuff too. i got him a book on london railways from the air and I got him a new shaver and a dvd series called drawn together and I got him a printer, which he is currently making do stuff its not supposed to beable to do.

We made food and ate profiteroles which is something i've never had before. they were yummy but very filling. And so ive been playing tennis and boxing today cause now I can whip jane at stuff cause she thought she'd beable to beat me cause she had practice, but now I can beat her and its 3am and Im not tired cause I just wanna play all the time.

And 2moro we're gonna go see rosie and the next day we're gonna see the train and then pretty soon its hogmanay...although here where I live now hogmanay isnt such a big thing, but new years day should be fun too and im just feeling really lucky and happy and tired but content. it feels like a holiday rather than a chore, which most xmasses for me seem to feel like cause its filled with stopping arguments and tidying up. but not this year (actually last year was really civilised too). its been ace. Im sooo spolit its unbelievable

twas the night before xmas and all through the house, nothing was stirring cause all the spoons were still in the dishwasher

2006-12-24T17:52:00.000Z

I'm under there somewhere. That was me sleeping back at my friends haloween party, but im planning on doing something very similar today and very soon. im going to bed extra specially early so then santa will come maybe super quick and then im gonna get up at 5am and first im gonna make sure daddy is awake and then Im gonna phone my bio family and wake them up (just because im not up in scotland doesnt mean that they can have a lay in) and then once everyones up im gonna go back to sleep. hehehehe

*laughs evilly*

Went to work today ate some choclate there that was left over, everyone went to the pub after work, but yet again wasnt invited. never mind I went home and wrapped daddys present instead. it took me ages cause its big and heavy. I then climbed in the box that the present came in and played with it for ages. its my rocket ship mainly bt sometimes its a boat, but now its flat and hiding behind the sofa. i even hoovered today cause we got the house sparkly for santa to come.

incidentally if yoo havent checked any of the days from my advent calander I would strongly suggest checking todays one. It certainly helps keep a track on what santa is up to.

past the 13000 mark on the map thingumy too new dots in brazil and malasia (theyre already hafing xmas there) which is pretty awesome, got one in saudi arabia too. The cool thing is I didnt need to look at a map I already knew thats where those places were. So yay go me.

im really excited now like super super excited. im never gonna beable to get to sleep.

I didnt realise I could dance

2006-12-23T09:28:00.000Z

Seriously I cant dance to save my life. If I even attempt to dance people stop in shock horror and then point and laugh at me. So i dont dance

Me dancing

Well its saturday, which means 2 more sleeps till xmas. Today will mostly be spent doing food shopping and tidying the house, although really whats gonna happen is we're both gonna sit on teh sofa drink cup of coffee after cup of coffee and TALK about doing the tidying up and shopping, but not actually get round to doing any of it. I might bake some cookies today. ive got all the ingredients and some winnie the pooh shape cutters and icing and stuff It depends on what we actually get done today, and tonight we're going for munchies at a friends house. We still have a tonne and a half of christmas cards to write and all that sorta stuff. The house is gonna look so bare once we take all teh xmas cards down and the tree and stuff. the house always looks tidier after xmas even though yoo've got a whole new range of crap shoved in drawers and undr the bed and so on and so forth.
there are tonnes of cards here they're everywhere i've never had so many friends before its really ace and makes me feel really happy inside.

Im gonna go now but I feel I may post here again soonish

Ace

2006-12-22T16:32:00.000Z

Well last nite was...well loook at the title for a hint. We went to our local pub for a carol service, only it was super cold so we went inside and bought raffle tickets and ended up winning a meal for two at the thai restaurant upstairs which is kinda funny cause we eat all the time there. We should have shares in the place. Then me daddy and our three friends teamed up for a pub quiz and we won that and got to choose the prize and we chose a crate of brakspear (its a bitter) so thats us sorted for saturday evening. So that was super lucky huh.

today was the last day of wok...no...work...And I missed half of it cause I went to hopsikle and got shoved in a metal room so they could test my hearing. it turns out my hearing is perfectly normal so yay. the problem actually lies in my brain...so thats not so yay, but on a poistive note it means im not going deaf. bascially when theres background noise, even the faintest of background noises I find I hafta really concentrate to hear someone talking to me and if theye not facing me directly I find it real difficult to comprehend what theyre saying. the consultant said basically my brain thinks im 40 cause when you get older picking out proper noise from background noise becomes harder and thats what ive got. So yay my brain thinks im 40 when ive been telling it my whole life that im actually 18 months. i have such a stupid brain. the consultant says theres nothing I can do to improve it so i guess im just doomed to not being able to follow conversations in the pub ah well.

I got back to work afterwards and then pretty much went straight to lunch, and then after lunch we had a little raffle ting and I won a spiritlevel that turns into a screwdriver. its actually really ace and will help make daddys train better.

Oh and theres a hole in our living room wall today. the people next door are doing some sort of renovations and they've renovated right through the wall. So whoops. I dunno the full story yet cause daddys not here but i'll letcha know what happened when I know

And now Im home and I walked in and found that theres like 20 bazillion extra presents under the tree and they're all for me and now im stressed cause well i've hardly gotten daddy anyfing like hardly anyfing at all...4 presents thats it. (although one of them is gianormous So im kinda feeling guilty but i dunno what to do about it

Almost done

2006-12-21T17:43:00.000Z

Sniff is very very old. in dog years he'd prolly be a doggy angel if he was real, luckily hes not but today he broke again.

Sniff goes absouletly everywhere with me and today he broke literally as I was walking out the door to go to work so I had to leave him behind and walking to work felt really strange without him.

Sniff likes Cider. he likes cider alot. When i first moved in with daddy i was a cider drinker too but eventually I moved over to drinking real ales and bitter...(for all those going to camp in the new year remind me to sing yoo all my bitter song...it'll prolly be finished by then too) but yes, when I went over to beer I assumed the dog would follow but nope, he still drinks cider, and gets grumpy if he doesnt get any.

Sniff after a couple

Sniff getting into full swing

Sniff well away

The day after

So Im feeling a bit lost without him today, and the thing is I think hes getting to the point where hes becoming less and less fixable cause hes more sewed up tears than original dog now. So not sure what I can do.

I have the hospital again 2moro this time for my hearing, one too many punk gigs I think...well in fairness i've always had the problem, only going to loud punk gigs prolly isnt helping, but hopefully mebbe 2moro I can get something sorted. That would be nice. im kinda fearful about the whole hospital thing but its okay. I fink mebbe daddy is coming with me this time so I will be okay.

My family got their xmas presents today which is ace cause I only sent one of them on yesterday at about 330pm and the other one I sent on monday but they both turned up together so I dunno why it happened like that but at least theyre there. I sent a friend of mine in america a box of stuff way back like a month ago and she still hasnt gotten that yet so Im still remaining hopefull but I dunno for how much longer. Which totally sucks cause there was some really ace stuff in there.

So tomoro is the last working day for most of the people at my work, julie wants us to come in fancy dress but i dunno cuase i dont haf anything xmassy to come dressed up as. I made mince pies last night the first batch kinda turned into charcoal cause I had them on the bottom shelf and the oven up super high so within about 5 mins of putting them in the over it was spewing out smoke and so I had to quickly shut the kitchen door and open up the back door before the fire alarm went off cause I dunno how to switch it off once it starts. But the second batch turned out okay so I took them to work and basically Julie said thankyou and marvin said "they dont look like mincepies but they taste good" So I guess thats a compliment I think. but I think everyone else kinda just forgot to say thankyou, but i guess i didnt do it to get thankyous.

And I made xmas cards and gave them out but each xmas card always gets an xmas slug in it (thats a drawn slug with a xmas hat doing something like sledging xmas slug of or snowman building xmas slug. the one on ollies card was bungee jumping xmas slug, and the one on geoffs card was trapped in a special cell we use for testing the title for his was.. xmas slug in mild peril. Well geoff came downstairs after opening the card and said I possibly needed counselling. I told him the slugs came to me in my sleep and told me to do things. he kinda wandered off after that remark. I dont know if he thought I was being serious or not.

daddys main xmas present was supposed to come last night between 5 and 8 by 8:10 it hadnt turned up and I was super stressed that i was really upet cause it would have meant phoning and figureing out where the present was and all that sorta stuff, but come about 920 it turned up and I was soo relieved. I didnt expect it to be as big as it is. It took up half teh lounge so its currently in teh dining room. I dont fink I can wrap it but its in a plain box so daddy doesnt know what it is. So thats okay.

Anyway I better go away and hug daddy and hug sniff too for being poorly. *hugs yoo all*

Wow hectic or what

2006-12-20T13:52:00.000Z

Well its wednesday and this is the first time i've had chance to even glimpse my blog let alone write anything in it, and thats only because on the spur of the moment thing ive taken this afternoon off from work.

Well last update I told you about what I did on the weekend only i missed out the fact that i did all my xmas shopping in high wycombe on saturday and then we went to see Eragon. I have wanted to see that since I even heard ruomurs of it being made into a film, cause the book was pretty awesome. the film well...films are never as good as books so it was good but not great although the acting made me laugh in several places, jeromy irons was pretty good in it and robert carlise didnt really look like him at all but thats what you can do with makeup i guess. jeremy irons also did dungeons and dragons so i wonder if mebbe thats a thing he likes. like he enjoys doing fantasy films...dunno

but yeah so the weekend was quite busy and then on monday was daddys work party and it was ace, we went to a pub first and then went for morrocan food. i've never eaten morrocan food..but thanks to the geography quiz I know that morrocco is in africa (not something i had known previously) and the food was really strange but tasty and I especially liked the dessert I could feel the pounds piling on with every mouthful of teh little pastry thingumies.

then last night after work me and daddy drove down to bristol to see his parents and sister it was nice seeing them (although his dad wasnt there) and just talking about stuff and catching up on how his gran was and all that sorta stuff, and we made a profit out of it, by picking up kajillions of xmas presents plus an oversized caterpiller (cause you never know when you're gonna need one of those)

So yeah its been really busy so sorry if I've been a bit absent I even didnt have time to update the advent calander yesterday thats how busy I was. I had to go to hopsikle by myself yesterday cause daddy was working so I had to get a taxi then a train then a taxi to get there and on the way back I had to get a bus then got lost for like an hour before I got brave enough to ask a police officer for directions to teh train station and then a taxi and then straight back to work. I wasnt happy at all. infact when I got home I even found that daddys work had been cancelled and so I hugged him a bit and cried some cause it was super scary by myself. I have such a phobia of hospitals...but you see thats not entirely true. i have a phobia of old hospitals and the one I went to was super old and I just wanted to phone the hospital up and lie to them, say my car had broken down or something and just not turn up. But I couldnt bear the disspointment on daddys face when I would have to come clean to him cause I cant keep secrets from him at all.
So I went to hopsikle and the poked me a bit and I was wearing nappies and they told me to pull down my trousers and so I had to and they saw what I was wearing and then they got me to lay down and instead of covering me up with this paper sheeting stuff, they kinda tucked it into the top of my nappy, which was really bizarre. I wasnt quite sure what to make of that, but never mind. Embarrasing to say the least.

Daddys main xmas present hopefully gets delviered today. i cant say what it is altohugh im really scared that its not gonna be the right one. i couldnt ask daddy cause then it wouldnt be a surprise so I guess we'll find out on monday. Anyway i'd better go

*super hugs* and sorry to anyone who was waiting on an entry

trinidad and tobago

2006-12-17T15:14:00.000Z

Yep I know where it is now. in fact i know where a helluvah lotta places are now cause i've been addicted to a game I found on...a news site. yeah I know scary huh. its an educational game and basically its brits against americans...just for fun mind you theres no prizes I think its just a way of comparing the two nations in their geographical knowledge. mine wasnt exactly great in the beginning of the game I was coming out with 30 percent. thats aweful I can believe I sucked that much. but after an hour or so constant playing Im sitting quite happily in the high seventies consistently. So Geography game thats it, but yoo kinda hafta register but its free and yoo learn tonnes of stuff like britain has the highest level of teenage pregnacies (say she who has a pregnant 18 year old sister) and pakistan makes 75% of the worlds handstitched footballs. things like that, you know useful stuff. And I know now where my dad was born...he was born in malaysia and I know where our friend jill went to a wedding..trinada and tobago...and well just lotsa places and I feel like ive achieved something today.

Oh and yesterday I booked flights to go see my folks. We're going on the 19th of january for that weekend. trust me a weekend is long enough, but i phoned the house to tell them we were coming up and my dad picked it up and we ...as in me and him...talked for 10 whole minutes. thats like the most hes ever talked to me over the phone and I was a little shocked by it all and we talked about how he was going for a job interview on wednesday that im worried about him cause hes still not well I mean the doctors have told him hes gonna be off work till about august next year but my dad really wants to go back to work. I guess its up to him, he knows hes being stupid he told me over the phone, which was something else that shocked me.

Mebbe the prospect of being a granddad has mellowed him suddenly. He always liked babies and toddlers I remember him with my younger sisters when he would wind them up and make them believe things that only gullible little children would believe. He would get this really bright lively sparkle in his eyes. I dont remember him doing that sorta stuff with me but i guess he must have done. When my cousin had her baby my dad held it lots and really kept telling me and my sisters that he wanted one. So now it looks like hes gonna get to hold a baby again and be a granddad and I think hes excited.

At the end of the phonecall he said "I miss you you know" I wasnt expecting that either. Unexpectedly getting a lump in my thoat I replied "I miss you guys too" and then that was the end of it. A bizarre phonecall indeed.

I went to work today did three hours so as to lessen the workload for tomoro. I also hid the tins of choclate for people to find. Its gonna be fun seeing people try to guess who put them there cause I got daddy to write the christmas tag out so people wouldnt recognise my hand writing. Im gonna bake mince pies and cookies for thursday too That should cheer some people up.

Stuff I know

2006-12-16T10:45:00.000Z

Last night daddy went on a purple train cause they're gonna go away soon, so he went up to birmingham and back taking some pretty pictures along the way. It meant i was left to my own devices which was kinda nice. I joined a new website where I can amalgamate all my poetry into one place which is pretty good and people can comment on stuff which also is pretty awesome

My poems

Apparently we're all set for a soggy xmas. I must say im feeling a little disspointed. I really need some snow last year I pretty much crammed my face into the window watching out for the merest hint of snow. I think we got a slight dusting one time when we went to derby for a punk gig but other than that not a single bit of snow at all. I must say I was dissapointed.

monday night i getta play at being grown up again, its daddys xmas work party so im gonna wear teh same outfit cause they wont know...unless you guys tell them..so shhhh kay cause I really like that dress. I've been trying to lose weight but its not going too great too many trips to the pub mainly. theres big buckets of choclate at work at teh moment and ive been being sooo good not eating them but then Ive been wasting not eating anything nice by drinking stupid beer and I dont even like beer that much id much rather eat a donut or a choclate bar, so why dont I just eat the lovely stuff I wanna eat and screw the beer. i'll drink water at the pub from now on...or better yet diet coke, and then I can eat the choclate I want cause the beer im drinking is like 250 calories but the choclate I wanna eat is 120 calories...even a toddler of my non-mathematical skills can therefore see the benefit of eating choclate and losing weight.

Ah well ...im just calling my additional layer of blubber winter fat. i mean when yoor cold yoor body works harder anyway.

Going xmas shopping today. I must admit its not filling me with much happiness. I hate crowds. Well actually really in essence I hate people. large clumps of people just really really annoy me, everyones so rude and uncivilised pushing and shoving and poking each others eyes out with umbrellas. I need a tank I'd squish them all. That'd be really satisfying. But im hoping woolworths and the disney store are gonna answer all my shopping needs and do yoo know what....*whispers in a conspiritol tone*......im secretly hoping that mebbe i'll get a trip to the cinema as well seen as we're going shopping somewhere quite close to a cinema. theres a mcdonalds there too but even im not stupid enough to dream of that stuff anymore. Daddy doesnt believe in it so im not allowed it even thoug a quarterpounder with cheese meal and a strawberry shake is like my ultimate in dream food. Mebbe i'll get sammy to ask for a happy meal for xmas...do you think that'd work?...although if it got wrapped up that would be pretty tinky.

Ooh and at work the other day instead of doing work I took ten minutes out and cut up an old report and turned it into snowflakes. you know where yoo fold a piece of paper.....wait just click on day 5 on the advent calander...it'll save me trying to explain it....but yeah so did a whole heap of snowflakes at work and brung them home and daddy was liek "is that what you did at playgroup today" and I just nodded and then we stuck them up the banister.

I may have told you this story before, but one year when I was..well i must have been either 3 or 4 cause I was at playgroup and we had been asked to bring in a funsized bar of choclate and a toilet roll tube which obviously my mummy had given me (a mars bar incase you were wondering) and so we made christmas crackers and when my mummy came to pick me up I showed her this crepe paper disaster zone of a cracker and mum was like "oooh whats inside" and I was really portective of teh cracker saying "no nooo yoo cant look in it" and so they stuck it in the xmas tree when we got home and I was convinced that mum couldnt possibly know what was inside it, only looking back at it now she had been teh one to give me mars bar in the first place. i was soo stupid and niave back then. guess not alots changed...although back then at least I was potty trained

Its finally xmas

2006-12-14T00:06:00.000Z

Me and daddy went to the xmas tree farm and we rescued a tree from there. His name is harry and hes not as big as last years tree but thats cool cause this year I can sit beside him and look at all the mirrorball type balls we have on him. (theyre my favouritist type of decoartion) We went to asda yoo see and I also got 2 giant tins of roses and heros for work. im gonna wrap them up and then on sunday when im in work by myself im gonna hide the tins for people to find them. im not gonna say they're from me either. I want people to be surprised. So YAY its finally feeling like xmas for me. it just didnt feel right without decorations

The picture, as with several pictures the past few days just holds a sence of magic for me, a wishful time but not in a loud happy wishful way. in a quiet hopeful way. In that way that yoo secretly wish something but dont expect it to happen, but then it does happen cause those secret doubtful wishes always have a habit of coming true..well they do in movies at least.

I was looking in the mirror today at work. its not something I do very often. in fairness I try to avoid mirrors. im not that good to be looking at and I dont value my looks at all to be honest. its probably why i dont bother very much with my hair or makeup and things like that. but i looked in the mirror today and tried to rub this mark off my neck only to discover its a new freckle. i didnt realise freckles just pop up by themselves. mebbe ive just been really inobservant for my entire life and ive always had this particular freckle, but i dont think so. So ive grown a new freckle. is that an achievment or what!!! Now if only I could grow that squirrel tail and mebbe a set of wings, but hey yoo gotta start somewhere right. A freckle is a step in the right direction.

oh yeah in other news i'm gonna be an aunty. Shocked?! yeah i am. I phoned up my family yesterday cause I havent spoken to them for 2 weeks or so and my dad answered the phone and after a breif chat "how are you? Im fine..>" sorta stuff he comes out with "So what do you think of your littlest sister?" And I sit there and think ~why did he ask that?~ and I say "Why whats she done?" And he says "Oh! you dont know"
And I say "know what?" and then he says "hang on i'll pass you onto your mother" and basically to cut a long story short it seems my youngest sister is almost 2 months pregnant. So looks like theres gonna be a baby clan member a REAL baby so its not me. Amanda is only 18 and im kinda worried bout her cause shes just a kid, and a good one at that. but even though the baby isnt planned amanda seems really happy her fiancee is really happy too and I know my dad has been gunning for grandchildren since amanda basically started going to primary school so hes suddenly gotten his spark back too so it seems that with the exception of money troubles my family seem to be on the up and up. So yay aunty sam. So long as I dont hafta change any smelly nappys yuck yuck I haf much sypathy for those that do that sorta stuff on a regular basis *hugging daddy super tight*

Anyway best toddle off to bed now, The tree is all sparkly and we can switch on the lights on and off using our computers which is pretty awesome. *hugs to yoo all*

tech-y-ing

2006-12-12T17:54:00.000Z

okay so today at work I had to make a transducer for a machine. My boss just expected me to know how to do it cause I used a soldering iron one time to fix a wire. So he gave me all the compenents I needed and just asked me to whip it up. just flung into the deep end with no water wings. But somehow I stayed afloat and even more amazing I produced this transducer within half an hour....and amazingier still the darn thing works so now tony has taken to calling me sparky which is actually quite flattering in a way cause well I dont like tony, hes mean and pig headed and chauvenistic...I think thats how yoo spell that word. but he was well impressed that I managed to make this thing and so I am once more in his good graces. Actually he gave me a complement on friday just before the works meal when I turned up down in the lab after getting changed everone was like "Wow sam look at you" and then julie asked Tony what he thought and he said "You scrub up pretty good" I'll take that as a compliment. So yeah feeling pretty techy today as a result of my little soldering escapades. Kinda wishin I had some lego technic or had bothered going a little bit further with my robot studies before the phase fizzled out. I enjoy impressing people. it doesnt happen that often.
i was also training people on covering rocks with wax today too, so I am no longer the only person who knows how to do that test which is ace cause like 20 billion of them are coming in over the next couple of weeks and I have far too much to be doing than standing around plonking bits of rock and chalk into a deep fat fryer full of molten wax.

Also you may haf noticed the big stocking down the side of the screen. if people wanna put presents in it for me thats kewl kay. Its only play pretend it doesnt mean I really honestly get the presents and yoor username can be made up I fink. i dunno I havent actually used it. my friend chris told me about it and it looked like an ace thing to haf on my blog while its all xmassy and stuff.

last nite I was driving lots. I thought I was stuffing it up all the time (esepcially the point where I almost took out the wing mirror in a hedge) but thats lesson 5 outta the way and my instructor seems to think im making real good progress but whether hes just saying that to keep my confidence up i dunno. Whats better though? the truth even though it may hurt (sam yoor drivings crap) or a lie (yes thats very good?) Id rather people be honest with me truth be told, that way when someone does say im good at something i know theyre not just saying that to make me feel good about myself, instead they really mean it. But i can understand the need to be sensative. I guess it depends on each individual huh.

2 weeks to go till xmas and I still havent gotten nearly half the xmas shopping done. last night I procured the entire collection of disney gummibears on dvd for my dads xmas present. I remember as a kid on a saturday he would make sure we got up ridiculously early so we could video tape the next episode for him. HA and he says I'M a big kid.

Also today and I forgot to say this so im editing my post. i got myself a yootube account Ive got a few videos I made myself by sticking bits of other videos together and putting it to music. the first ones not very good but yoo can watch it anyway. Its mainly of the hellsing anime to an Artic Monkeys song if ya wanna watch it yoo can but im not forcin anyone kayMy hellsing video

nappy dreams

2006-12-10T13:44:00.000Z

Snow?

Where is it?

I'm pretty sure I need some.

But first off I havent done this in a while. hi to the canary islands. thats a pretty random place for someone to see my blog. I didnt say hi last month to estonia and latvia and turkey and croatia all very cool places. I hope all is well there.

yesterday I started Role playing in a new Xmen group. Its really given me a great big happy feeling and im excited to really get my teeth stuck into it. I havent done proper role playing in a long time. All that creativity just came flooding back. I wanna play a computer game today but i dunno which one. part of me wants to finish kingdom hearts 2 cause im literally at the final boss I just havent done it yet. part of me wants to play final fantasy 7 part of me has really giant cravings for grandia or legend of dragoon, both of which are hiding upstairs in a box and part of me really wants to play legend of zelda windwalker or tales of symphonia both games I dont have cause I no longer have the consol. I guess all this game craving is cause Jane...yeah yoo...got a Wii a couple of days ago....not that im jealous or anything I mean...what would a girl like me do with a sparkly new consol like that...I mean first off Id have to quit my job and then not eat or get dressed for like a whole month. No I think my sanity is better off without one. I would just become obsessed and become like a neanderthal recluss. poor daddy. i wouldnt put him through something like that.

I had really strange dreams last night about one of my work collegues being in a romantic comedy and in the film this woman fell in love with him and then proceeded to froce him to wear nappies and pushed him around his home town in a buggy and baby clothes. It was really very odd and now tomoro im gonna hafta work with him and have all these stupid dream images of him in my head. I must admit its all very disturbing.

this time in 2 weeks time its gonna be xmas eve. I havent written my letter to santa. or more should I say. Sammy hasnt written her letter to santa. Sammy cant write but she can draw...well scribble things quite good sometimes. I dont know what she wants. i dont even know what i want. Arrrrgh I hate making decsions. can I just not ask for anything, I mean when i was a kid my parents always used to say those who ask dont get, and dont talk to strangers, and yet at xmas time we're all actively encouraged to ask a complete stranger for stuff we want.

Now how am I supposed to understand that?

Please excuse the techincal difficulties

2006-12-09T13:31:00.000Z

Errr. one of daddys puters is poorly. it just so happens to be the one where I keep most of my pictures and ALAS the advent calander as well, not to mention the tagbox. So they're not gonna be around for a little bit. But dont worry yoo can still enjoy the cascading snowflakes as plague flakes of doom.

the past few days have been pretty maniac. On thursday we went bowling with jane and emma and emily We exchanged xmas gifts and Jeez the one jane gave me was about the same size as me, then we went to a pub and this, my friends, was my downfall. you see ever other time ive ever met up with ane and emma ive always drunk soft drinks, but i drank...beer. Before I knew it three pints later and we were heading for bowling. Drinking and bowling do NOT go together. te first game me and jane were pretty closley tied (jane won in the end between the two of us but Emma won the game overall) but the second game I think my total score was something ridiculous like 13 thats like...well..yoo get 20 goes...2 bowls per round so i didnt even average at 1 a throw. but at least I managed to make them all head in the general direction. Daddy had also been partaking in adult juice and on one of his attempts he threw the bowl and it went backwards rolling into emily.
me and daddy hadnt eaten anything before heading out and we had drunken ALOT of beer. like more than usual and mixing bitter with lager isnt a good idea. We tried to find something to eat but by the time we got to maryleborne to get the train everything was shut so instead daddy got me a rose...cause while the food places were all closed down the florists wasnt? how strange is that. just incase you have an emergency flower need. But yes so I got a res rose and It was very romantic.
By the time we actually got in the front door it was about 1am and I wasnt feeling too great. I fell asleep on the sofa and I think daddy kinda fell asleep in the kitchen and then (and this is really gross kay) I woke up and felt like I was gonna be sick. So I threw up in a nearby waste paper basket. only the problem is its one of these mesh sorta metal thinks that kinda ust acted like a collander. It was super icky. luckily I hadnt eaten anything so there wasnt much but it was still gross and I feel really bad when that sorta stuff happens. Anyway after that I pulled myself up to bed and we both went to sleep.

The next day it was friday and it was the works xmas meal. I wore my pretty black dress the one that makes me look quite buxom...I think thats a word....it makes me look curvy... and the nice hairclip and everything I looked super smart and like a proper lady sorta thing, now the plan was to keep up the charade. I mean secretly I was still wearing nappies, but I mean the plan was to not spill anything down my front and to hold charming conversation and you know just be very proper and adult. I was sitting opposite one of the lab managers, a man named paul who is ..well...lets just say hes an ex squaddie so hes quite gruff and blunt, but in a really likeable way. Anyway halfway through the maincourse he looks at me and says "you need a bib you got gravy on your christmas hat" Now id been being really careful so I was shocked to hear this so I pulled off my hat to find actually he was winding me up. but then about ten minutes later...and please bear in mind im quoting him... he looked up and said "Sam you've got gravey on your tit" unfortunately thisntim paul wasnt joking and I blushed lots and mopped it up and thought to myself...ah well sam, at least you tried your best.

For my secret santa I got some bath salts and scrubby things. Im not sure whether thats someones hint for me to wash more, or more likely my secret santa was someone who didnt know me and so got me something thats easy and doesnt need much thought, you know one of those gifts you get a girl because girls are supposed to like that sorta stuff.

the afterwards I came home and we went straight back out cause me and daddy had to go to a punk gig. It was really good we got to chat to some people we havent seen since august and we just jumped up and down alot and then about 4am me and daddy drove back. so we got to bed about 530ish and woke up about 12 to find one of daddys computers has gone kaput...so there we haf it, we've gone round in a full circle. so i better go now and get dressed cause its cold here and theres things I should prolly do

Xmas is almost here

2006-12-07T07:46:00.000Z

2moro is my christmas lunch at work. you know the venue they've picked is actually in a different town and yet they wont hire taxis to send us there and half of us dont even wanna go, but the bit that kinda annoys me most is the head boss from scotland is coming down for the meal so hes getting flights and hotels etc on the company yet they wont fork out 5 pounds for four of us to share a taxi. I think theres something a little off there. I better not get tipsy at the meal or I might just say something to that effect. Thats daddys influence on me I guess. He tells me all these cool stories of when hes been working in the bbc or whereever and the things hes said to people, and sometimes I just really wish I could be that brave and speak my mind to people. but I cant, not in real life. here on paper yeah no problems but not infront of someone. I mean I get all flustered and tonguetied and end up not making any sence. I used to be a public speaker talking infront of ...well one time it must have easily been a hundred people or so. But nowadays I just get my heart hammering in my chest and I forget what im saying. I wonder when I got to be like that

Me emma jane and daddy are supposed to be going out tonight. mebbe tonights the night i finally beat Jane for real real. one can but hope I got to go to toys r us last night and got them xmas presents plus a couple of other peoples presents so yay yay the xmas shopping has begun

Guess wat I did

2006-12-05T17:18:00.000Z

The photo may give it away slightly (even though its not actually a real photo from thsi weekend, that photo is actually from the Lg camp in august (note the binkie in one hand..how talented am I I can hold a binkie and a guitar at the same time...giggling)...actually i thnk thats sallyjanes guitar. It sounded expensive...mines pink and it only cost 90 quid but its still good...hear lemme tell you about what ive been up to

On sunday afternoon me and daddy went with our friend hannah to a church ceremony we got to light candles and haf mince pies (so far out of the five days of xmas we've had ive had 3 mince pies. So im doing pretty good....anyway..... After the ceremony we went to the pub...this was at like 430 in the afternoon...we'd been talking about how ever so often these two guys come in the pub with a fiddle a guitar and a banjo and they play irish sorta jig music as well as stuff people know. I had been saying how i'd never heard them play and come about 8oclock that night they turned up at the pub. now bearing in mind we'd been there from 430 we were quite a bit tipsy by then and had no intention of staying till closing time but with the arrival of the musicians we kinda had to stay. And then when they had finished they (and I think daddy must have said something to them) asked me if I wanted to play a few songs. Now Ive never really sung infront of people I dont know. ive sung to friends and family and as the picture portrays I played a couple of songs at the LG weekend but I class most people there as friends so it felt different to play infront of people I didnt know, but in a strange way it was easier. I sung my spider song and my kitkat song and my aberdeen song. unfortunately I was a bit too drunk by that point so my playing and singing was worser than usual cause my co-ordination was WAAAY off. but it was still ace playing.

So that was sunday and then yesterday it was back into the full swing of work and man was it busy. I had to fix this logger system no-one else can do it cause noone else knows how to use it, so I got to pull it apart and mess with its insides it took the majority of the day so my normal work was put on hold which meant today I had a kazllion jillon stuff to do. And my boss asked if I would work xmas day and I said no thankyoo, but i know he wants me to work some days and I guess its only fair.

And last night me and daddy had a bit of a fruits basket marathon. For anyone whose not watched it you really should its an excellent anime series, me and daddys on episode 18-19 at the moment so its almost all over. theres some really really sad episodes that i cant help but cry over. I hate it when something good ends. like my book...stormrider its called.. I started reading on..friday i think it was...I finished it on sunday (it was only 400 or so pages) I cant help but devour david gemmell stuff particularly the rigante series Its all about teh hghlands and how no matter what evil yoo ome across if yoo keep a pure heart and a calm head yoo'll win and it just really appeals to me, along with the whole idea of going into an inn and drinking ale and having bread and cheese and riding a horse and just being able to live off the land. i'd love to do that sorta stuff....still ive got white wolf to look forward to next.

And its over

2006-12-03T12:57:00.000Z

Last night I cried, I cried quite a bit, not the quiet type of crying im used to but big sorta sobbing crying and it felt so good. Its finally all over and with it a new sence of calm and tranquility within myself seems to have filled the part of me that has simply been feeling hurt since the breakup between me and my ex almost a year and a half ago.

Some of the readers of this blog may have read a post i removed about 2 weeks ago. It detailed the key events that happened to me last year and the people it all involved. Well after I had wrote this all down I was contacted by two of the people concerned in my post and was asked to remove it. I ignored the first request but the second was from my ex. Shamedly I used my sudden new found leverage to ask for something that belonged to me, going along the lines of ("Okay you want me to remove the post i will do so, on the condition that I get some photos that you promised to me when we were splitting all our stuff up.") im not proud of using my blog to this end and I was wracked with guilt, but they meant a great deal to be and repeated asking for them and asking for them and asking for them some more hadnt gotten me anywhere

truth be told I didnt expect to receive them, I really honestly didnt so it was a complete shock when I got the aforementioned photos yesterday through the post. I shuffled through them all, pretty close to tears seeing things like class photos from school and trips to beaches and safari parks and even the very first picture of my Ab persona. These things I was scared of forgetting. Memories are sacred you know. forget wealth and fortune. Its easy to dwell on the memories that hurt when you split up from someone, they kinda help heal you and help things to move on. it seems simpler to dismiss the good times but thats wrong. Dont let the dark times cloud the good kay. its easy to hate the people who hurt you but it just puts your soul and heart in turmoil. We had alot of good times, but now I have the photos I feel that the final piece has been laid to rest and I feel rejuvinated by it all. Tired like I can finally rest properly and let things heal. Whereas before all there was was a feeling of loss and pain. how strange that simple images can have such a deep impact.

I cried for a mixture of reasons last night. I was also talking to my friend Marky and we got onto discussing aldershot and where I used to live for when I lived there he lived there too which is really strange cause he knew the road I lived on and everything and we got talking about the tank tracks and stuff on the army base and I remembered this one time my dad smuggled me into some kind of depot and put me in one of the tanks. I was only about 5 years old at the time and I got to play war with a real tank. I couldnt tell you the make or anything like that. But It was one of my fond memories of my father. And that led me to remember the time my dads company had some kind of parade thing going on and afterwards we walked down this really wide road and he hoisted my up and I sat on his shoulders and I could see all the troops marching back to wherever it was they had come. i could see soo far into teh distance sitting on my dads shoulders and I remember feeling like I was ontop of the world or something. and I had completely forgotten that memory until last night. And that filled me with such love and happiness. that i couldnt help but cry.

The third reason was yesterday me and daddy went shopping I needed an outfit for my works xmas meal on friday and I dragged daddy all over our town and we ended up in the new clothes shop and I found a dress, and to be honest on the hanger it didnt look like much at all, but it was within the sort of price range I was looking to spend and all the other prettier dresses were much much more expensive. So I grabbed it and hauled it on and actually it made me look really nice like curvy and stuff. now most of yoo who read this blog have probably seen a picture or two of me by now, and will probably notice I dont do adult looking. When im not in dungareens, footed sleepers or little denim skirts im usually just in jeans and a tshirt. but this dress made me look like ...well...a woman I guess. And I called daddy over to the changing room and asked him what he thought of the dress and he said "Wow thats the most adult ive ever seen you look" And to be honest I didnt really know how to respond to that. It made me instantly wanna get the dress and wear it all the time for him, I kinda feel bad in a way that im making this effort for people at work and not for him soully. I wanna shock the people at work cause theyve only ever seen me in tshirts and jeans covered in mud. I can be a young lady sometimes you know. I mean I dont have a single stick of make-up and my jewelry..jewellry...*sighs*.....Jewellery....its gotta be one of those right...anyway I dont have many things like rings or necklaces or earrings just because we dont really go many places that require that sorta classyness. But you know daddys not just my daddy, paul is my partner and I wanna make him happy and be someone he wants to be with not just for a little girl who looks up to her daddy like a god but a woman who supports her partner and knows that hes just a man and is just as capable of making mistakes as she is.

So last night I cried, but I cried in a good way, for refound peace, for refound memories and most importantly for love.

Alll by myself...don' wanna be....all by myself...singing badly

2006-12-02T10:22:00.000Z

Okay so im in a strange strange STRANGE mood so be prepared for some supreme rambling kay.

The picture is from a couple of years ago when we went to whipsnade safari park and I dont think its that obvious what exactly is going on in the photo but the little pen is filled up with chickens and bunny rabbits but above them is a sign saying "DANGER KEEP OUT" And "DO NOT FEED ANIMALS" Now is there something about the bunnies and chickens that I dont know about? Are the bunnies extras from monty pythons quest for the holy grail? I dunno. But also one of the little hutch holes seem to be crammed full of bunnies...why cant they use different exits instead of all trying to cram through one door? Stoopid dangerous bunnies

Also today is day two of MY calander...screw the online one, I get choclate, but I haf a question I have a cadburies one with santa on his sleigh and elves on the ground wavng to him, But I opened the door today and I had a robin shaped choclate but the picture on the inside of the calander was a wreath of some kind but on the back of the door was a christams tree...so which one is the one that counts? cause I dont wanna get a bird and a tree and a wreath cause thats just greedy. Is it just me or do other people get satisfaction from the doors that have people faces on them. Like last year I had a barbie one and it was fun pulling her face off. mebbe thats just me?

Also last nite we went wandering around the victorian night and it was ace...well actually it was exactly how I thought it would be lots of chavvy kids a bit of rain and lots of people tryng to sell yoo things yoo dont want. I got a mince pie though which I was really happy about cause thats my first one of the season and last year I didnt really have a mince pie cause I tried to cook some but they went super wrong. I might try and bake a xmas cake for daddys mum and dad mebbe. that should be a laff.

There was something quite important I was gonna say.....*thinks for a minute*.....

OH yeah last nite I also got my secret santas present. At work we got given a name of one of the people we had to get a present for and I ended up with Linda. linda is *supposed to be* our trainer the one who tells us how to do thngs like soil descriptions and how to carry out the testing in the proper britsh standard way, but every other day she changes her mind and shifts the goalposts and something she said yesterday she'll tell us off for doing 2moro....So I got her a magic 8 ball so it can help her make her descions...

"magic 8 ball shall I tell them today that they cant call a clay a clay..."
My sources say yes
"Magic 8 ball...shall I tell them today that these tests all need to be repeated?"
Ask again later
"Magic 8 ball will our monthly figures be in profit this month"
Outlook doubtful
"magic 8 ball will more people hand in their notice before this year is out"
probably

See she'll never hafta rely on her own descion making skills again and thus the company will be run more efficiently. So YAY go me.

Anyway do you think thats enough rambling now or should I keep going?
Im dragging daddy out in a minute...we're goiing SHOP SHOP SHOPPING!!! I need an outfit for the 8th for our work party and I need...well stuf fin general...and we might be getting our tree today and xmas decorations and stuff its gonna be super ace so yay yay yay !!!!!

Oh and ignor the title today it just seemed like a good one but looking at it now its not all that good but I cant be bothered changing it

Almoss time

2006-11-30T20:02:00.000Z

Well its almost time for Xmas dontcha know. this weekend in our town we haf a victorians shopping night. how strange is that. its where theres lots of mulled wine and people dressed in big dresses singing christmas carols and trying to sell you a mixture of raffle tickets and Electronic flashing pacifiers. (im not sure what exactly is the fascination with blue and pink falshing dummies but last year daddy got me one and I had it in my mouth all the way around town and even to the pub that night. It was quite fun in an openly sucking my dummy sorta way. tomoro Im also hoping to pick up my mums xmas present (a footed sleeper) from the post office and get myself one of those choclate advent calanders of my own. cause its all well and good having the online one here but i already know whats behind the doors cause I made it so its not all that much fun now is it...well for yoo guys mebbe and for me in a way cause im excited about yoo guys opening the doors but not in a me opening the doors kinda way, and this year we were gonna get a fake tree but we went to B and Q the other day and saw that fake trees are hella expensive so we're gonna get a real tree from teh xmas tee farm again.
And daddy wants to use the old xmas decorations from last year but thats like super wrong. yoo cant have the same decorations every year well yoo can have one or two bawbles and stuff yoo know like decorations yoor attached to but the rest hafta be made up from that year, yoo know like threading popcorn onto string and doing paper folding to make paper chains and stuff. i didnt do any of that sorta stuff last year but this year i'd like to.
And I guess why im grumpy today is because I found the ultimate toy on ebay and I didnt win it. its called a touch and tell and when i saw it on ebay I just burst into tears cause its one of the main toys I associate with my childhood. its one of those toys adults can just give a kid and the toy will keep the kid amused and tell it stories etc. I dont really approve of that sorta thing you know a toy telling a kid a bedtime story instead of the parent. but then saying that im not a parent and I guess adults when they have small children, dont get much free time so mebbe those toys are kinda okay so long as theyre not used as replacements for the parents on a daily basis.

I picked up a book today and started to read it its called Stormrider by david gemmell. I love david gemmell books and I cant believe I havent finshed this one yet. I had to go rummaging around in the attik for it I was that keen to begin reading it again. I found some of my japanese books too which I dragged out and my other jewelry box. thats right I haf jewelery...Thats two different spellings of jewellry...three...Im not sure how to spell it....anyway I have two boxes one is a mulan box where it plays reflections and a little mulan figure spins round. Every little girl I know had a jewellery....four.....box where there was a little ballerina on a spring that would twirl round and round, and would somehow get bent and end up twirling strangly.

on the radio yesterday they were playng old themetunes and do you know the one people requested most? gummibears. how strange is that. I mean it was a good themetune and all that but there are much better themetunes out there. thundercats for example or superted (some of those episodes are just plain dirty watching them from an adult point of view)...do you remember the raggy dolls. I didnt like them all that much but theyre one of those programs that makes me think of being about 8 years old or and cities of gold I remember the themetune to that quite well...and around the world with willy fog and fraggle rock and button moon....ooooh button moon is the acerest fing ever...well that and thundercats. oh an ullesys 31 or however yoo pronounce it. anyway the radio was good yesterday. music helps keep me calm at work even if it is rubbish radio 1. northsound one rocked thats teh local radio station in aberdeen I really liked it.

So anyway im feeling quite happy now that im getting warm I ut on one of my thick nappies and my bloo footed sleeper cause its really cold here, and now that im warming up and have put some washing on and done some washing up Im about to go read my book with my dummy and fish curled up with me, cause he likes reading too.

*hugs*

Ataloss

2006-11-29T19:03:00.000Z

Ataloss sounds like the name of an RPG character dont you think. A big sorta fellow with really strong arms. Probably not all that clever in terms of intellegence but really rather smart when it comes to common sence and street smarts. A man who can be a cold ruthless killer to his enemies but a true hero and loyal companion to his friends. A man who would rather show compassion than his fists....least thats what i think....but alas no, ataloss is simply the creation of three words strung together by my lazy spacebar. Bad spacebar go stand in the corner...well actually yoo kinda made ataloss sorta happen so mebbe yoor a good spacebar letting my imagination wander like that...okay you can stay for now.

but yeah Ive been feeling quite tired today, not surprising since today was the most hectic day of my working life. I didnt think id get everything i needed to get done today done but i did with 15 minutes to spare. everyone else was fighting for work to do washing pots and scrubbing floors but Im up to my eyeballs in things that need doing and even if I stood on baked bean cans made into stilts I still wouldnt be heads above it all. *sighing* So now Im finally sitting down and it feels really good. But im feeling lethargic and not wanting to do anything and just kinda wanting to curl up and sleep. I dunno how much longer I can keep this pace up before I fizzle out to be honest. But work is gonna keep me this busy up until mid january then it should all calm down or I should fall into a vegatative state...one or the other.

Me and daddy snuggled up on the sofa last night and finished watching the last of chobits. It's just as good as i remember it. And afterwards daddy made me go to bed and as he was getting me changed and ready to sleep he grinned at me in a rather rare way, I looked at him and asked why he was grinning in that way and he said "just you poppet" and he hugged me lots and i dunno what exactly I did to make him grin like that but it made me feel all very tingly inside and happy.

Oh and the uk is on tornado alert how ace is that. I wanna see one nownownow

Forgotten?

2006-11-28T19:33:00.000Z

Seems I was forgotten (albeit not intentionally) at work again today. It happened back in june when it was my birfday, everyone normally signs a card you know passes it around writes something witty. I didnt get a card. it made me sad cause at the time I thought I was one of the crew. I think people just genuinely forgot.

But today an advent calander was bought and everyones names were added onto the little doors (some people even had more than one door cause theres only like 13 of us in the lab) but i didnt get a door. people forgot about me again. And I tried to be happy and pretend that it didnt matter but it did matter quite a bit. I dont care much for xmas day. i can quite happily take it or leave it, but the run up to xmas the anticipation the things like xmas ligts and advent calanders they kinda mean something to me. I dunno why. Its just the way I am. So julie noticed I was sad and asked me why and I just said I would like a door on teh advent calander and she suddenly realised I had been forgotten and she hugged me. So that made me feel a little better.

It seems im easily forgotten at work. is it because I keep my head down and get on with stuff? Dont kick up that much of a fuss? I dont know. im just one of those easily forgettable people I guess.

Last night me and daddy snuggled up on teh sofa and watched some chobits. We've almost finished watching it now, only 6 or so episodes to go. I hate when good series come to an end. Still Ive got hellsing to make him endure and Fruits basket as well Both must sees if yoor an anime fan.

Oh and drivings going good. my instructor seems to think its not gonna take me very many lessons to get up to test level at all. he seems to have really strong faith in me which seems to be rubbing off on me which is ace. he seems to be good at bolstering my confidence, even if a sceptical part of me keeps thinking its what he says to all his students.

Anyway Hugs

nappy mountain

2006-11-27T08:07:00.000Z

First off I wanna say this tetnus death trap of a ride on horse is currently on sale on eBay. It certainly either looks well loved or completely neglected and I feel so sorry for it but at the same time find it funny that someones trying to sell it. "please put it out of its misery. Let it rest in peace" I can just imagine it looking up at me and saying "Ki......lll....me." poor thing If yoo want to buy it please go here Its quite funny actually, the description

Also this picture is for Lisa. I cant remember where I found this picture But I think this is the sorta thing yoor talking about. Yoo can still get toys like this. I mean daddy got me a floppy frog one for haloween. they do keep you amused for hours just by making them dance and stuff by only just pushing the button a little bit.

Anyway onto what I was actually going to say today.

Friday is december the first. Its getting dangerously close now and I havent really done any xmas shopping at all. I have such a list of presents to get I bet even santa would look at the list and raise his eyesbrows thinking "hows she gonna deliver all these without my help" So on Saturday daddy helped me to make an advent calander. I didnt like the xmas tree on my blog so I thought (well actually Jane demanded) an advent calander would be good fun. So each day the door will take yoo to a different site. it might be a yoo tube video it might be a craft place or a xmas recipe or a jigsaw to do. (well thats the theory im still working on teh contents of the doors but ie got a week right? What I will say is yoo may have a little bit of problem with it being updated so if yoo cant get to the door of the day of the week try holding down the shift key and then clicking refresh, kay.

Saturday night Rosie popped in rather unexpectedly which was super awesome ace cause I was really beginning to worry bout her and so we caught up on what was going on with her and her life and it sounds even more hecticier than ours.

Then yesterday me rosie and daddy all went to daddys train and helped to document some of the electronics there. It took forever and we still didnt get it all done, but its really important cause when daddy flips the on switch I really dont want him to get electrocuted.

Then (and this is where the title comes in) me and daddy went to get some nappies. 20 packs to be precise) I stayed in the car, in the carseat pretending to be asleep cause I didnt know the people we were going to getthe nappies off of, but they came out and kept trying to encourage daddyto wake me us so they could bring me inside and I could play. (they believed i was disabled) but daddy said it was probably easier if he just left me to sleep which was good. Anyway we only haf a ford fiesta. trying to squidge 20 packs of large tena flexi into a carthat small is a bit of a challenging puzzle but daddy managed it eventually it was quite funny actually If we had had a car crash I think the car would have just bounced it was that stuffed with padding.

Nostalgia

2006-11-25T14:28:00.000Z

So Anyway. me and daddy got home from the ub last night and for some reason ended up on eBay. (not actually as an auction cause selling people I dont think is allowed, although I have seen people selling themselves on eBay, me and daddy arnt that desperate for money)
Anyway I was wondering around looking for fisherprice rollerskates. DO you know them? they were red blue and yellow if I remember correctly and they had adjustable size sorta ratchet thing and they fit over whatever shoes you were wearing. Anyway I was looking for them but couldnt find them anywhere but instead stumbled apon these.

Every kid I knew and even pretty much every kid daddy knew had one of these shape sorters. All children should own one. They were virtually impossible to pull apart to get the shapes back out and if yoo did seem to manage to get the shapes out the two pieces would pull together quickly and trap your fingers. When I went to dees not last time but the time before there was one of those up there and it was so ace playing with it.

Webster. Oh my gosh. I dont remember having a webster at all but my sisters all had one I have a memory of having to go to a doctors surgery with my mum and lisa (who was a baby at the time, we were going to the surgery to get lisa weighed and stuff cause she was super skinny as a baby) so that puts me at the age of 3-4 years old and in the doctors surgery there was a box of toys and I remember finding the webster there and wanting to take it home with me and trying to figure out a way I could take it home, but obviously four year olds arnt that bright in the big scheme of things so I never aquired that particular webster. but just looking at webster brings back memories of that doctor surgery and the smells and ts just really strange that even though I didnt actually have one its something i associate with my childhood

Now this picture is particularly for the bottom right corner the activity centre thing. Again I dont remember having one but I do remember there was one strapped to the cot at my grans house, and when my dad was critically ill in hospital when I was ten I remember carefully clambering into the cot when everyone else was downstairs and playing with it. I remember the cot matress being painfully thin (well for a ten year old who wasnt exactly on the slim side it felt like the whole thing was gonna cave under my weight) I remember the little red pump thing yoo had to press repeatedly to get the little bicycle bell to ring particularly. Also on the cot was this strange yellow Koala bear activity center thing. I remember its eyes used to really freak me out and it had a push button nose and a mirror on one foot and a telephone dial on the other. Actually lots of things had telephone dials on them back then. When i see kids playing with fake play mobile phones I think thats really wrong yet I guess its pretty much identical to the whole telephone dials of when I was growing up.

Speaking of telephones here another toy that i think pretty much everyone I know had had at some point in time. This particular picture kinda makes the phone look a little stoned or something. They've brought out new versions of it..incidentally they've brought out a new webster too he makes noises now, but the one my sisters had didnt make noise. mebbe it did but it was broken? Not sure. On and did anyone have that pull along caterpillar it too didnt make noise it was red yellow and blue in much the same vein as webster but it had lotsa legs I DID have one of those but I dont anymore. Daddy says he had the train mebbe thats where his first love of trains came from? Its cool to think when he was a kid he liked the train in this picture and now he has a full scale train that he and a few of his friends have saved. Oh and the glockenspiel I loved that thing and whats great is you can still get them. I love that. If ever me and daddy pop a sprog (thats have a kid) then i would so make sure that they had the sorta toys I had when I was growing up

Finally the medical set. If yoo look under fisher price for medical sets on eBay yoo can see the newer version of this and it puts the old one to shame really its got like little mini shock pads and all sortsa gizmos and gadgets, but WOW the stethoscope brought back memories of playing house at playschool and playing at my grans house with my sisters. So awesome.

I enjoyed writing this post alot, and thats not all the toys and games I remember so mebbe I'll do another one of these soon. Anyone got any toys they really miss or never had as a kid and always wanted?

...

2006-11-24T13:19:00.000Z

Im sitting in a freezing house cause our heatings off cause we may or may not have given ourselfs a good dose of carbonmonoxide poisoning yesterday. gotta get a detector today but yesterday both me and daddy were feeling very strange in the house but when daddy went outside he felt much better.

I have new hospital appointments booked one for the 18th and one for the 22nd not looking forward to either but hey thats life right.
I also have booked some more draving lessons number 3 is on monday 6-8...ust giving you all warning beforehand. im driving a ford focus. its actually a really neat car you can pump up the seat and make the steering wheel come closer and lots of stuff to help ikkle people like me drive better

Theres been alot of shuffling around in this blog recently I mean this post has been amended from earlier and a post or two has gone missing. Whether the post comes back has yet to be decided I guess time will tell.

A new shipment of nappies were supposed to come today 5 packs in total but only 2 packs came, which has kept the house safe for a little while but not long. oooh deer. I guess daddy better get on with potty training me huh. LOL Yeah like thats gonna happen any time soon...if anything the whole bladder control thing is getting worserer not better...oh well poor me huh.

Me and daddy watched pirates of the carribean 2 last night it was super awesome ace, but some of the pirate fish men were freaky looking and quiet scary and at one oint there was this really repetative deep based boom sorta noise in one of the background music scores, and that really made me scared. I realise that might sound a little odd. There was an audi advert a couple of years back where a man tames a wild bull by riding it and in the background theres this loud long deep base whoooom whoooom whooom noise like a electronic heartbeat or something. its a really scary noise. noises cant really be scary but for some reason those types of noises fill me with dread. but it was okay cause daddy was watching the film with me so I just hugged him extra tight during the scary bits. Great film though. go watch it.

Fanksgiving

2006-11-23T17:33:00.000Z

Okay so I bet thats a popular blog title today huh, bet im not being original there.

But I wanted to say happy fanksgiving day to all those who celebrate it. It looks like a fun holiday full of stress and family feuding that only comes but once a year...well twice really cause christams is quite a bit like that....and most of my birfdays tend to have a bit of that involved...and well...I guess may day is alright and st patricks day tends to be alright.....No no its okay im joking kay

But I guess even with the stress and the fighting its still good to be thankful for all the good things we have in life and even the mediocre things in life.

Im very thankful for my friends and for my daddy/partner for without these two I wouldnt have gotten very far in life. Support and kind ears have helped me through alot of bad stuff over the past year and this blog has ben a place I can vent where I cant really vent anywhere else. its kinda like a bit of a lifeboat in a way, throwing thoughts onto something more tangible and more easily documented than my head.

Im thankful today in particular as the river that runs near our house has come back. It's been sad all summer cause it dried up, and when I first moved in with daddy the river was beautifully clean it had fish swimming in it any everything, so im kinda wishing that the river stays there cause so the fish can come back.

Im thankful that im healthy both physically and mentally. I mean I wish I could be slightly slimmer but if thats my own qualm then im doing good right?

I am also thankful for the people i've met this year. I was thinking about the last time I felt truely confident and I realised it was august this year at the LG weekend. Being around all my friends I felt like me, and that I didnt have any feelings of "what if they dont like what im doing" or "I wonder what they're thinking about me" or "I wonder whether they like me" There was none of that. the little voices that normally niggle at me werent there and so my confidence was really good there and I had a whale of a time because I was feeling more like me and not being reserved and quiet like I usually am. And going to dees and adams was the same. Just being around people who know about my ageplay side makes me feel alot more relaxed and good and happy.

I cant believe a whole year has already gone almost, thats really quite alarming dontcha think? Where did the year go?
Its been a hectic year but thats not a bad thing. Its been fast paced and fun. its mainly down to one man and a few good friends, which I will forever be eternally thankful for.

I predict a riot

2006-11-21T17:30:00.000Z

kim shaz peter sarah mic chris hannah jack angela tim matt simon

What do all the people's names above have in common?

This isnt really a trick question....the answer is that all the people above have left my workplace since I joined in October 2005....well in fairness Tim kinda died...but everyone else left. Considering the job only has a staff number of 20 thats quite drastic dont yoo think. I mention it because gary today has handed in his notice so that leaves me lisa paul andy and alex as original members since I joined (obviously im not including the management in that cause they stick around cause they dont hafta do any proper work). i've become a senior member of staff within the space of a year simply by not leaving. thats ridiculous.

I must admit we had a sweepstake going on who we thought was gonna leave next and Gary wasnt on my list. i thought it was gonna be ollie...ah well. Proof that I shouldnt gamble on things huh.

I got a helluvah lotta work done today but ive got more than enough to keep me busy through the xmas break so not much of a break for me by the looks of it. yet we're forced to have that week off between xmas and new year that counts in our annual leave, so if im then forced to come in everyday and do work should I not get those days back on my annual leave? Apparently when I asked the boss, the answer was no. Ah well and we wonder why the staff turn over is soo high. Bollocks to the lot of them bollocks bollocks bollocks. im sooo getting a new job....and yet at the same time I realise that if I continue to simply sit and wait i'll prolly be running the place in a year or so because evryone else will haf left. but gary leaving means theres now noone to run the storeroom and only one experienced site worker and that makes me laff the place is a complete shambles.

Anyone know anywhere I can work? I can do pretty much anything. I've worked in supermarkets(tescos as a dot com shopper and somerfields as a rotisserie person ...man that was disgusting...and henceforth somerfields shall be re-named scummerfields) Ive worked for the jobcentre (that was ace, I got paid to not come into work for an entire month when we went on strike) I worked at toys r us...(for 4 days before the stores dance of the sugarplum fairies music nearly drove me to insanity) I worked in a geotechnical lab in scotland and I also worked in a hands on science centre (that was for work experience and that was super ace fun i'd love to do something like that again) Considering im only 25 thats a fair number of jobs and all of them I wasnt qualified to do. I learnt from scratch and worked my way up the ranks. Im not afraid of working hard, I'll try my hand at anything really the more variety the better cause I am a gemini and tend to get bored quickly.

Today is munch night that means me and daddy go all the way to watford to see some of our friends (mainly mel) Its a BDSM thing but they're tolerant of ageplayers so I tend to go wearing my blue dress. I mighht wear dungareens tonight though cause its super chilly outside and then I can wear my flashing trainers my new flowery winterjacket with pink mittens on string. (so basically sam yoo're gonna wear yoor normal everyday going to the pub gear...*falls silent*...Yeah I guess....)

Ive officially started xmas shopping so far ive got my mums (im getting her a footed sleeper how cool is that) She has really bad circulation during winter months so I thought I nice fleecy footed sleeper with candy and stuff all over them would be just right for her. Although seeing my mum in one might be a little odd, so long as her bum doesnt look padded it'll be okay.....* great i've freaked myself out now. i wonder how I'd react if my parents told me they were AB too. I guess i'd feel happy for them, but i dont think i'd ever wanna play with them that would be beyond the realms of weird*

Oh and todays random word for teh day is.......

PLATYPUS

Thankyoo priss for making me think of it. It has brightened my day considerably

Stuff and chickens...not chicken stuffing

2006-11-19T22:29:00.000Z

Well this weekend has mostly been filled with stuff. We reorganised teh living room by moving the tv and the sofas around and then decided we liked it better the way it was so put everything back. Daddy took down a shelfing unit so that means we cant have so much rubbish in the living room and it looks really tidy in here now even though its kinda an optical illusion cause we just moved all our crap...im allowed to say crap because thats what most of it is....onto the dining room table so we just sorta moved everything from one room into another. We shall continue to chase the crap until we manouver it all out the house somehow or someway.

Today also I got onto disk 2 of final fantasy 7. Hoping i could get my chocobo but i just hafta wait that little teeny bit longer and then i'll beable to get it. But I cant play it 2moro because ive got driving for 2 hours between 6 and 8 (just so those in and around buckinghamshire know when to stay off the road) And tuesday is watford munch nighht and we might be going so I can see mel and give back some books on dress making i borrowed.

Also today...and heres where the title for my blog today comes in.

I was walking to work and the little footpath i walk down (you know the one where previously we've found a hedgehog and drumstick the dodo/wood pigeon thing) Sometimes I also see squirrels there and Ive sen a pheasant or two there as well. Well today i was walking down there at 8:45 am and a chicken was running towards me. it saw me stopped and then hurled itself into a nearby fence trying to get away from me I presume only this fence was mesh wire and the chicken was...well...chicken size. So i fink mebbe the chicken couldnt see the wire fence or something cause it just kept trying and trying to squidge itself through the tiny holes of the fencing and then gave up and ran in teh opposite direction. I had no hope of catching it. It could run pretty fast and to be honest at 845 in the morning the last thing yoo expect to see in a busy village/town is a chicken. So I kinda just froze and calmly thougt to myself..."Wake up sam yoor dreaming"....only I wasnt dreaming it was a real chicken. I hope its okay. I dunno where it went by the time I ran around the corner to see where it had run off to it was gone.

Also I hope people like the new smilies I added If yoo cant see them in the pop up box then yoo can use these codes to get them to pop up :giant: :spider: :blankee: :soot: :grunny: :baaa: :sleep: :aww: :jump: :tree: :part: Thats all the new ones I haf so far. And I added snow falling and a sparkly xmas tree. If yoo cant see any of that stuff cause I know some people haf problems then try refreshing teh page cause sometimes old pages get cached. Ive still got alot of work to do and the Xmas tree isnt staying for long cause im working on something else starting on the 1st december...but its a surprise

I got a baff tonight and it was super good fun and now im clean (which is a rarity and wont last long trust me) And I made poor daddy watch die hard with a vengence...sometimes I get cravings for those terroristy type films, you know like broken arrow or executive descion, the fugitive or US marshals (which appraently is a sequal to the fugitive but not many people know that...or mebbe someones pulling my leg...im gullible you know, thats what comes from beinga really young Inner kid. people tell yoo things and you just instinctively trust them cause you dont expect them to lie about insignificant things like US marshals being a sequal to the fugitive of it being international talk like a pirate day or Tiger Woods having played at aberdeen golf course. yoo'd think a girl would learn..Okay this bits adult kay..

********

......daddy...well paul was telling me about wigs that yoo can get only...theyre not for yoor head and apparently its big buisness and to buy one of these special wigs is really really expensive. But i hafta wonder to myself surly he must be pulling my leg why would yoo spend alot of money on hair that noones gonna see? yet I hafta believe him cause I trust him. So im not sure and its confusing sometimes.

**********

but anyway oh yeah I wrote a new song this weekend too its called the kitkat song...its about kitkats and how they solve all problems as most choclate does. one day when I record my songs I'll sing it to yoo kay

My santa list

2006-11-18T16:18:00.000Z

Okay so this is the only fing I want for christmas this year kay. I saw it on a website so it must exist cause everyone knows everything yoo see or read on the W.W.W is troo right?

And mebbe if not one of those then a dragon. cause a pet dragon on my shoulder would look ace and then noone would pick on me cause i'd get my dragon to fry people. or like i blogged about previously. A cockatrice to sit on my shoulder would be ace too. I always wanted a parrot so I could train it to just stay on my shoulder even when I went out to the pub or whereever

So thats my Christmas list for this year...oh and mebbe a balloon, with a weight on the bottom cause last years balloon (which said happy christmas sammy on it) kinda floated up the chimney and got stuck..for like a baillion weeks so we couldnt light the fire. So this year I would like a balloon with a wieght on it. yep yep. And the ability for big me to make mince pies cause last years effort was a disaster...and im blaming daddys cooker for it, cause i refuse to believe it was anything to do with me.

Me and daddy are staying home for xmas and for new year this year. Dunno what we're gonna do at home but thats what we're doing and its almost xmas tree putting up time. I dont really get excited about xmas anymore, not even sammy. the excitement kinda went away a couple of years back when I spent xmas eve at home and wanted everyone to stay in and play board games and watch rubbish cartoons on tv and then go to bed early like we did as real kids, but all my sisters went out for xmas eve ended up getting really drunk and came staggering in at about 1am which really really killed Xmas eve for me...and ever since then well i've found it hard to feel excited bout it. kinda scared that if I get excited about the anticipation prospects of xmas I'll just be let down again. I mean its never been about getting stuff. I couldnt care less what I get for xmas, (although the robin squirrel fingumy would be pretty awesome please santa) but the xmas decorations and the spending time with family or friends and then anticipation of the whole event is the magic part for me. the having to go to bed early or santa wont come, being in yoor pajamas well before bedtime. Drinking warm hot choclate..or should that be warmchoclate? the putting out a drink and a mince pie and a carrot for the reindeer. Advent calanders.

Those are the really important bits for me...Oh and Xmas crackers so yoo can wear the really naff hats that come out of them. (although being at home this year I haf no idea what we're doing for Xmas dinner...Shrugs)

Anyway theyre the important factors for Xmas for me. the actual gift part isnt that important. Although I really like giving presents. thats more fun than getting stuff.

the park

2006-11-16T07:56:00.000Z

you know way way WAAAAAAY back when I was still at secondary school (thats the same as high school) Forest gump came on the TV and I watched it (overall not a bad film considering its not really my thing) And then in the film theres this bit where he says "life is like a box of choclates you never know what your gonna get" but thats not true cause you can read the little card that comes with the box of choclates just so you can avoid the turkish delight.
But at school cause forest gump was so popular we had to make up our own litte 'Lifes like a' saying.
Mine was

"lifes like a seesaw, full of ups and downs and not very much fun on your own"

I kinda like that even to this day. Mainly cause its true. Somedays are better than others, some months...heck even some years can be pretty disasterous, but you can always garantee the year after or the year before will have been different. Even better or worse. Sometimes things seem like theyre always bleak and couldnt possibly get better but thats really not true.

I had an uncle in the navy. he was really kind and soft spoken for a man, he always smiled and had this mischivious twinkle in his eyes that suggested he knew something you didnt. Well one day he just upped and killed himself. they found him hanging from a tree a couple of days before he was due to leave port for someplace like hawaii or some place like that (i cant quite remember I was about 9 at the time) The thing was everyone was really confused cause he seemed so happy and carefree. But clearly he wasnt and in fact he was keeping all his problems to himself and wearing this mask around others just so they didnt worry. but problems dont really go away if you hide them. Talking often helps or at least sharing them with someone. Its no god pretending to be happy if you arnt cause your not fooling yourself yoor just fooling everyone else, and if you dont point out problems in your life how are other people gonna help bring about the change if they dont know theres something up. I dont give people who commit suicide much sympathy, all it does is leave devastation and confusion in the aftermath. its cowardly. theres always a better alternative always

A new song I wrote...its still a work in progress but goes something like.

I dont understand
why noone will give me a hand
they just watch me struggle on
and only ask if I need help when the problems gone
now dont get me wrong
im not using this song
to complain
but my lifes not a game

Sometimes it feels your out of luck
your lifes going nowhere you just feel stuck
theres one thing you gotta keep in mind
if your feeling depressed dont leave your friends behind
tell them nd things will be just fine
its okay
when you say
that your sad
cause sometimes lifes just like that.

Anyway gotta go to work now, which is good cause that means I hafta stop writing this before it comes into danger of being a novel

*hugs*

Hope and friends

2006-11-14T17:41:00.000Z

I posted this poem a couple of places, but not here. I wrote it a while ago. When I saw the picture the poem just sorta happened. I wanna post it here cause im not sure if a couple of people who I know read this blog have seen it.

Dreams give you hope among many things
And the girraffe had dreamed for so many days
So with determination he grew himself wings
So he could fly into space and frolik and play
So the girafe flew with all of his might
Into the darkness away from the sun
And when he found dusk, the beginning of night
he stopped and he fluttered and looked for some fun

"Stars stars" he yelled "come out its true"
"I've grown some wings so I can come play with you"

And one by one the stars they came out
And sparkled and twinkled and hovered about
and they grinned and they laughed and they all started to shout

"but a giraffe cannot fly, go away, go on shooo
We are simple stars and Can not play with you"

the giraffe felt his heart break his eyes filled with tears
"But I've been dreaming of playing with you stars for years
I even grew wings just so I could fly
So couldnt you play, please give it a try"

the stars all gathered together and whispered in haste
While the giraffe sat there hovering, suspended in space
And when the star whispering conference was done
the lead star smiled and said "lets have some fun"

And now if you look up to the night sky
You might just see that giraffe flying so high
flying on dreams that he held so true
And it might make you hold onto your dreams too.

*****************

You see I live in england and I have friends all over the world thanks to teh internet, and sometimes I feel really hopeless. I cant be there for my friends in person when they live beyond the big pond...I cant swim all that good and the idea of being in deep water kinda freaks me out so even if I could swim I prolly wouldnt swim the ocean cause its pretty big. And one day I do intend to travel to america just so I can see so many people that I know, and give them real hugs not virtual ones. But saying that even my friends here in the uk seem so far away when theyre having troubles and I cant get to them. Not having a phone at the moment makes communication a bit difficult and I feel a bit isolated without it. Strange really considering a couple of years ago I never had such a device. I dont talk too good on phones but texting and checking my emails, I feel weird not being able to do that. But Im kinda just wanted to say sorry for not being able to be there in person for my friends whenever they need me. it frustrates me sometimes and that all I can do is offer advice through messenger programs. Sometimes I just wanna go wherever my friends are and make them a cup of tea and sit down and just talk. but you know I'll always be here, if yoo need me kay, just drop me an email. I know its not ideal but at the moment its the best I can do.

*hugs*

Who is me?

2006-11-13T23:57:00.000Z

Every day I wake up and im someone different. like theres balances betwen postive emotions and negative emotions and things I want to do in the day and things I dont want to do. So When I take personality tests and such online sometimes they dont reflect what I perceive to be the real me, but surly that must be the real me, just the real me on that particular day. like some days all i wanna do is tidy up and make things clean, other days I wanna go to university and learn something, and that something varies from day to day. Sometimes I just feel really iritated and angry. Somedays I feel very calm and at peace. but they all must be me just different parts of me. But sometimes I wonder which bits od I consider to be the real me. If I didnt have anything else to factor into the equation. if I lived alone with a steady income, what would I be spending my time doing? Ive never actually lived on my own. i mean I lived at university but yoor never really alone at university, and once university was over I pretty much moved in with louise, so I didnt really have time to figure out who I was when noone else was around. Not that i wanna figure that out now cause obviously I wanna be wiv daddy and I wanna be wiv him for good.

I had to go and drive a car today and it was pretty scary but not too bad by the end of it, stalled a couple of times and almost gave my instructor whiplash at one point but other than that a sucessful expidition. So yay no dead animals/pedestrians so super yay yay. Now if I can keep that score I should be alright. Couldnt really see over the steering wheel that well but next time I'll jack the seat up a bit. But yay yay.

Why Ageplay?

2006-11-10T08:04:00.000Z

Some people dont understand it. I think its one of those things that is doomed to be misinterpreted for a long while to come yet, but thats okay right. I mean perceptions are changing slowly, people are becoming more and more accepting just because people are realising that there are millions of different flavours to people all across the globe, whereas a long time ago things were very black and white, nowadays there are alot more shades of grey.
Some people dont understand why I choose to be who I am, Why i wear nappies and have a daddy and well basically why I have this 18 month old kid inside of me that I let out to play. But its not like that at all. I didnt choose to be like this. this is simply who I am. I didnt one day decide...yep wearing nappies sounds like a laugh I'll try that. Its just what I turned out to be, now whether thats due to experiences I had as a child or experiences I had growing up I dont know but the fact of the matter is that, that little 18 month old baby girl is part of my core being, without her I would feel like half a person, incomplete and probably unable to really handle the world as a whole. The sammy part of me keeps me feeling in control. If life is too tough I tend to retreat into her a bit more, I tend to let the adult stuff wash over me in a feeling of "i'm only little so I didnt need to worry about those sorts of things" Of course I do worry about those things, whether it be friends and family or money and bills. Its stuff that I have to deal with because I AM an adult, but just the thoughts that I dont hafta deal with them, makes the whole issues seem less significant and that in turn makes me feel more carefree and in control.
There are alot of tolerant people nowadays and it makes me feel glad that whereas before people would email me saying "Yoor sick." or "What a freak" I now get the occasional email saying "okay so what your into is really weird but im intrigued...tell me more" Mebbe I'm just really lucky and meeting the right people but its been years now since someone called me a weirdo.....(lol now im just tempting fate...im about to get a string of emails telling me im one sick puppy) The fact of the matter is, people cant blame me for simply being myself. Surely its wrong to just conform to society and pretend that sammy doesnt exist. I tried that been there felt like a total sicko and tried to ignor sammy. When my ex and my ex flatmate told me that sammy was a mental health problem, that really psychologically broke the camels back and sammy vanished for a while. I went through all sorts of soul searching trying to figure out if I was wrong and evil for having this little child part of me. And after a while ....god that seemed like an eternity and I was so scared that sammy wasnt coming back, cause as I started earlier, I feel like half a person when sammys not part of me....I discovered that actually its okay to be me. Daddy helped me see that I shouldnt be ashamed of having this innocent baby girl in me, if anything I should feel lucky cause some people are stuck in the adult world without any means of escape. They dont seem to understand the joys of kicking up leaves in autumn or being pushed on a playpark swing, and I kinda feel sorry for them, I want them to embrace their inner kid cause everyone has one dontcha know, of that im positive.

Anyway I haf 8 minutes left before I hafta run out the door to work. Even at work I carry sammy with me. She never leaves my heart now. Not ever. Thats the way it should be. I mean if we go around trying to please everyone we'd be quite miserable, cause yoo cant please everyone nope nope, so its a good idea to just be yourself and if people dont like that then tough. I know thats easy for me to say cause im kinda one of those lucky ones who not only has a partenr who understands but who is also into the whole ageplay scene himself so its not just a case of simply understanding for him. And I know some of yoo reading this are genetically girls and that must be super tough, cause of what society says you hafta be. Dont listen kay. you dont hafta be anyfing you dont wanna be. yoo only haf one life so live it the way you wnna live it, not the way other people you've never met say you hafta live it. Anyway I really really hafta go. I could ramble all day about this sorta stuff but theres mud to wash and rocks to bash.

*hugs from a rather reflective sam*....(thats super shiny)

over the moon

2006-11-09T18:26:00.000Z

Back before I properly started this blog in febuary...on valentines day to be exact, daddy sent some flowers to me at work. i wasnt expecting it at all, although secretly I always kinda daydreamed about stuff like that happening to me, and so it did and I was totally swept off my feet. the card had the words "You mean the world to me" in it and I kept it in my wallet all the way up until the day I was pickpocketed in prague. The credits cards the bank cards even the money I had on me didnt matter. What devastaed me most was the little card I had gotten on valentines day.

Well today for no reason whatsoever flowers came to my work for me from daddy and I was so shocked I kinda burst into tears because I was having quite a miserable day and what after everything going on with my dad and being poked and prodded at hospital yesterday it was soo wonderful. All the girls at my work were like "Ooooh sam yoo have a secret admirer" But i didnt want a secret admirer I just wanted them to be from Paul and they were and it made me sooo incredibly happy it made me floaty light for the rest of the day. they're very pretty flowers too. im not one for being overly romantic but yoo cant help but feel special when something like that happens.

I start my driving lessons on monday. im a bit nervous but daddys right in saying its a good skill to have. I mean that means come Ab camp time mebbe i'll beable to drive there and that means I can take a whole heap of stuff ive wanted to take there for ages like my inflatable ball pool and mebbe a buggy. It also means that when we go out sometimes I'll be the one that stays sober and drives us back home. And just sometimes there have been points where it would have been really handy for me to beable to drive. So now im gonna do it and hope I dont kill myself or my instructor in the process.

I'm okay

2006-11-08T17:56:00.000Z

Well everyone the hopsikle is all over and done with for the immediate future. I hafta go back and haf more tests and scans ad stuff, but i'm still ticking so thats what counts in the end...(that means the surgery to get daddys watch out failed)...Lol no but in all seriousness, stop worrying bout me now kay.

This is Samurai Jack. its a cartoon and its even won awards cause its so pretty for just being a cartoon network cartoon. its done by the same people who do dexters laboratory and Powerpuff girls (two other really ace cartoons) but Samurai Jack is by far Big mes most favourite up to date cartoon. Do you know why, well for one reason teh bad guy is really pathetic, Haku. hes really funny and sometimes I want him to win cause hes just really cool, another reason is theres very little idalogue, they just tend to use the pictures to tell the story. its very stylised its almost as if it was aimed at adults rather than children. But the main reason...the number one reason why I love samurai Jack is because he stands for honour and justice. I love that sorta stuff, you know always being true to your heart and doing whats right. he beats up bad guys and injustice and bullies wherever he sees them and stands up for weaker people.
Have I ever mentioned what I think of bullies. I dont have any time for them at all. I get bullied occasionally at work by my boss but I ignor him for the best part because hes just an annoying old man stuck in a dead end job for the rest of his life. I get called names when I walk home from work cause I walk past a car garage and the guys who work there are clearly just hitting puberty and want to look hard infront of their friends so shout insults at people walking past just to boost their own ego I guess, again I can ignor that. its pathetic. but its random, they dont just pick on me they pick on anyone. What i really cant tolerate, what really gets my blood boiling is malicious bullying, targetting a particular person and just making them feel really sad and depressed. its just not on. like seriously they the lowest of scum. I thought that bullies were only reserved for the playground and children, but you know what its not like that at all, even in adulthood there are still people out there who seem to get delight out of upsetting other people, and Whilst it angers me it also makes me feel pity and sadness for the bully. I mean what exactly do they get out of it? Whats the point? I mean as a kid I have vague recollections of bullying a boy who was 4 I think it was. I kept telling him what to do and how to do it and I would get really annoyed when he did things wrong, but that was my nature back then. I was a bossy little kid, but then I had to be because I was looking after all my sisters so thats just the role I took on, but as the years grew on I grew out of that bossyboot sort of phase and realised that everyone had feelings and it wasnt right to enforce my opinions and ideas onto other people

nowadays I wanna be like samurai Jack and stamp out injustice, but if I start going round hacking people up with a samurai sword that prolly wont be too good.

I just wanna tell people instead that I think we should try to think of other peoples feelings. I mean sometimes I can be careless and say the wrong thing to someone at upset them. We cant all be perfect right? and sometimes upsetting people happens accidentally, but I would hope that those people who do read my blog, arnt the type of people who would then go and start lying to people or start being evil to someone or well...you know I would hope that noone reading this is a bully. Im tolerant of most people but when friends of mine are upset because of words or actions of another human being, it makes me feel like being human isnt such a good thing to be if we can cause that much trouble and strife.

Anyway...Im gonna clamber off of my soap box now, just to say, if yoo are being bullied, dont let it get to you kay, bullies are weak and pathetic and should only really be given sympathy for their actions, cause they dont deserve much else.

Sharing

2006-11-07T21:13:00.000Z

Sharing is one of the very first things I learnt as a child. Well to be honest it was kinda thrust upon me cause by the time I was 18 moths old I had a little sister. But its one of those things I'm glad I enjoyed doing. I think part of the reason why i blog so much is so I can share with people, my life, for after all, your life is the only thing truely that belongs to you. Its the only thing yoo take with you when you die right? Everything else is kinda material. I mean it is yours to a certain extent, but what good is money or books or games in the big scheme of things. But i think If I blog experiences That i've had then mebbe when the day comes that im no longer around, someone will remember something i said or something i did and I wont be truely gone.

Daddys gone at the moment, hes getting his train. im really excited for him (although im missing him tonnes...so much so in fact that Im sitting here cross legged on the sofa in my footed sleeper super thick nappy and sucking my dummy, mainly as comfort cause daddys not here. I know he will be eventually, but not till much later.

My real father is doing not too badly all things considered, hes gonna be in hopsikle for a few months cause he hasta learn how to walk again, his blood count isnt right but the info from the cat scan and stuff wont be through till tomoro.

daddys coming with me 2moro to the hopsikle, eveyone has been sending me well wishes which has made me feel alot braver, befney sent me braveness which im hording up till 2moro. Dont worry kay. i'm gonna be fine, honest.

A friend at work today gave me a copy of final fantasy 7 to play so I skipped home super excited cause I havent played the game for ages and ages, I popped it into my playstation 2 and what happened.....NOthing. the games broke. its got a big scratch down disc 1 and im not sure if I did that or whether it ws already like that. So I got all excited for nothing cause I cant play it. So I kinda had to go on an ebay expedition and get myself a copy of the game cause its sacrilage that I dont have a copy of my very own. I'm almost finished Kingdom hearts 2. (actually I've put the game on pause so i can write this blog) Its been a really good game, im gonna be sad when its over. i guess thats why I like World of warcraft so much, it never ends.

Anyway I better go. I'm also writing a letter at the moment cause im making a special parcel up for my friend.

*hugs to everyone*

cant fink of a title today

2006-11-05T20:54:00.000Z

This weekend has been really nice. Friday we went to a firework display and some of them were so over the top pretty that I almost cried. I hate the really loud banging ones they freak me out and make me hold onto daddys hand lots tighter, but at the same time I look forward to the really loud ones just cause I know they're gonna scare me and make me hold onto daddy tighter.

We went up and saw Dee and Adam and Muppet and Mark and DC and Amanda and it was really cool. We even cammed the party with heather so that she didnt feel left out. We got dressed up I dressed up like a princess fairy I even had wings and everything. Dee and adam gave me a whole chocolate cake to myself which was amazing they even said I could eat the whole thing by myself if I wanted to, but you know what. It didnt even cross my mind. Sharing makes everything ten times better, even if its stuff I really want. Like the twinkies befney sent me. I wanted to horde them and keep them for myself but at the same time I wanted other people to try them, so in the end I think out of the box of ten I had 2-3 and the rest other people had. Adam and dee also sorted out our nappy problem. We were running out quite drastically so they gave us a couple of packs which was super oober nice of them. *secretly huggling them*

The train journeys to and from their house took super long this time (like 5 hours long) so we kinda missed the fireworks, but thats okay cause we saw some on friday and we'll prolly get some sparklers at some point just to celebrate in our own little way.

My dad is poorly, as I predicted a couple of posts earlier, he has had a stroke so he's in hospital right now. i feel really helpless and its driving me mad, whats worse is I dropped my phone and broke it so my family cant easily get in touch with me if somethings up. hes going for MRI scans and stuff today so I'll know more by the end of the day I guess. But its left me feeling really low, and I also got a letter from the hospital saying I had to go in on wednesday and the fact that urgent was stamped on the envelope and the fact that they gave me the letter on saturday and want me in on wednesday makes me feel nervous. I'm probably reading more into it than nessecary but its not normal for an NHS hospital to give you an appointment in the same month let alone the same week. But again, I'll guess I'll find out when I get there. Stoke mandville hospital is horrible its all made out of wood and long corridors and that really really freaks me out, so its not the fact that im ill which scares me its the fact that I hafta go to hospital. At first daddy couldnt go with me which freaked me out even more and made me cry alot thinking I had to do this all by myself, but he says he will come with me now which makes things a helluvah lot better cause now at least I dont hafta be quite so brave.

And the final part of daddys birfday present came yesterday but its not very good, its a tshirt I had made for him, but the end product is rubbish so I'll try and make him a better one at some point soon. The last t-shirt I made never really set properly it was buttercup from the powerpuff girls as mange. (its an episode of powerpuff girls) I thought it was pretty good but the tshirt transfer stuff never set properly so the picture has always been sticky. Ah well third time lucky on making t-shirts I guess.

I'll blog more when I stop feeling so listless...oh and the picture its little bo peep as a maggot. I dunno why, but it seemed appropriate, and even though its a maggot its still stupidly cute dontcha think?

Does this work

2006-11-03T18:05:00.000Z

Okay so ignor yesterdays post kay, bad day...well actually it wasnt really what happened was I had a really strange dream that night, lots of stuff involving daddy being exceptionally evilly mean to me and trying to catch tropical fish in a frustrating way, which when I woke up left me feeling really agitated and upset, as a result I came down the stairs sat down at the computer and Voila yesterdays blog post was the result.

This morning I had a strange dream too. It occured at about half past 3 in the morning I know this cause it woke me up. I dreamt of my alarm going off and me getting dressed for work. That was it. nothing more but then I woke up and it was half three so it made me paranoid so I then went back to sleep and woke up at 4 scared i'd slept in, then woke up at half four then hlaf five and then six twenty and now im up for real....or is this a dream? grrr I hate dreams like that. Yet considering ive been up alot, im feeling rather perky. It IS firday after all and it IS fireworks tonight and it IS only one more sleeps till I go on a train to see adam and dee and amanda and dc and mark and muppet....and ive been forewarned that theres gonna be cake. So happy happy days are here WOOOHOOOOOOO!!!

Yesterday night was ace me and daddy went out to see jane and emma and the plan was to go bowling, first off though we went to this really strange restaurant which was like the amazon rainforest (only there were elephants there and im not sure but I dont think elephants live in the rainforest..but i might be wrong) and we got a table right beside the elephants and all the seats looked like animal with long legs, and most of the animals moved, which when yoor trying to eat a burger can kinda be offputting. Actually the elephant behind us that didnt move was more offputting cause it looked positively evil with very evil beady eyes....(well in fairness we could only see one)

But it was really strange cause obviously the place was full of kids but two children ended up in the elephant display pulling up the fake grass to get to the smoke machine so they could stick their heads in it. yet the parents didnt stop them and then in a seperate incident a different kid wandered up to the elephant we were sitting beside and started seriously laying into it like beating it up really really violently, now bearing in mind this was animatronic it was quite dangerous to begin with and there didnt seem to be any reason for the kid beating this very big machine thing up. It was all very random and to me very funny but really wrong at the same time. I wanted to shout out "For god sake people control your kids" I know if I had even thought of doing anything like that it would be right over daddys lap no matter where we were. Anyway after food we went to bowling to find out that bowling was taken over by a private function so we went to the arcades instead and found a different bowling. And guess what....I WON....I did I did, dont let Jane fool you into thinking she won cause even though she did win really I won cause the machine we played on said my very last bowl was a foul but secretly it wasnt. At the very least we shall call it a draw.

Oh and then we played the dance dance games and even jane played and she was good, daddy wouldnt play but I know its not his thing but I played him on air hockey instead and that was fun. its got a really nice sound and it goes quite fast and I think I could be good at that game if I practiced OH OH and DODGEMS!!! Now these werent yoor usual pansy ass dogems where you get in, buckle up and are only allowed to go one way around the circuit (which seems to be the common theme up in scotland these were proper, do what you want dodgems and if you lose a limb dont blame me. Well that was really quite violent and I was so sure I was going to wake up with whiplash this morning but I seem to have escaped injury (actually secretly I was kinda hoping for whiplash so I could skive off of work today but never mind)... And then it was time for slushpuppies and then home. Oh and Jane gave me a dvd called only yesterday which is kinda strange cause me and rachel were talking about the movie only yetsready...grrrr...only yesterday...only yesterday *giggling*

But yes so today is alot more upbeat...well it couldnt get any worse I guess but I just wanted to say sory for whining so much recently I dunno whats up with me, I am truely honestly happy sometimes I just get really reflective and introspective and it all gets a little outta hand sometimes.

*hugs*

Oh and its so cold today that theres frost on the ground. I hope that means snow is on the way cause I havent had snow in ages now and thats just not right. Mebbe I can convince daddy to lemme go someplace with snow at some point cause i really miss it. England doesnt get snow like scotland does

Also I'd like to point out ive been trying to post this alll day but my puter is shonky (A mix word that was created using the words wonky and sh...well I better not say that word or i'll be in trouble) Anyway I'm off now to go watch fireworks byeeee

differences

2006-11-02T07:51:00.000Z

Yesterday yoo may have gathered from my post that I was a bit sad, but its okay now. I woke up feeling much much better, daddy put me to bed early and I kinda feel bad about that cause I think he wanted to go to the pub, but instead stayed in.

*whispering*

"im sorry daddy, I'm sorry I get sad sometimes and fankyoo for looking after me. I feel so lucky all the time but particularly when im feeling sad. Those times when im feeling my lowest and all yoo need to do is hold me and it makes alot of stuff just seem to not matter. Yoo make bad stuff go away. Simply by holding me quietly my head on yoor chest so I can hear your heartbeat, everything seems much clearer and I feel myself feel so much more calmer. Thats a very special gift you give me, and Im not sure yoo even realise it. Fankyoo. Somedays it doesnt matter whats happened or why, somedays I just feel like the lonliest girl on the planet, that everyone else has so much more of their life together and that im just pretending to be in control and it doesnt matter who i speak to or what they say and that feels awful because they often say stuff that i would often say to them, good advice you know, but when yoor feeling that dark its hard to pull yourself out of the rutt, and I fink thats where my biodad is at the moment, stuck in a really really dark rutt.

Somedays I feel guilty, Guilty because my life here with you is much better than the rest of my family still living up in scotland. Somedays I worry that My biodad knows you're my daddy now and I fink to myself 'I wonder if he thinks he's lost a daughter? I wonder if that makes him sad?' He will always be my dad, but Paul you're my daddy and thats who yoo will always be, theres a difference between the two not just in a biological sence for me. I'm not sure I can explain it all that well, only that for all i whine about my family, they've always been there for me. they may not have given me the love I was after but in times of hardship they do all pull together and try their best to help. Sometimes their best isnt good enough, but the sheer fact that they tried makes it good enough. My dad taught me alot of things, he gave me imagination and a drive to try to be all that I can be, and even though at the moment hes not following his own rules, he introduced me to novels things like david gemmell books which really installed a sence of honour and chivilary in me taught me to always be true to myself and my friends. My dad is very intellegent not in a clever way but in a common sence way, and I think some of that rubbed off on me. So to say my dad has lost a duaghter is kinda silly cause it would betray the memories I have of him. But he isnt my daddy anymore. Thats kinda a sad thing to say but its true. Yoo're my daddy now and I hope you always will be. I can learn stuff from you my real father couldnt teach me. I can get that love he couldnt give me and that makes me feel so blessed that you want to do that for me and that I feel I can talk to you and just being with you makes me feel like a better person.

I cried yesterday because my youngest sister amanda is sick, she keeps having asthma attacks which make her pass out. My mum told me that on saturday my dad witnessed amanda doing this for the first time and after he helped bring her round and make her better (my dad was trained as a medic in the army) once amanda was alright he went upstairs and sobbed his heart out. My dad never ever cries and i cried yesterday because I really hope i've never made him cry like that.

..and now im crying again

uninspired

2006-11-01T18:28:00.000Z

I am feeling really happy and really sad both at the same time today which is a really confusing mood to be in.

On one hand Im really happy with life with daddy and with just things in general (we're excluding work but that makes me neither happy nor sad today) the sad stuff comes from phoning my parents. My youngest sister amanda is quite sick, she keeps passing out and having asthma attacks, my 2nd youngest sister is all sad and depressed and being really moodily violent and my other youngest sister ended up sitting in a hopsital all weekend cause her boyfriend got blood poisoning cause hes diabetic. My mum tells me that they have no money and that they're like one letter away from having the baliffs come and repossess their house and that my dad is sooo unbelievably depressed that he just stays in bed all day every day. Thats the bit that really makes me sad and worried cause when I was like 9 or 10 (around that age cause I was in primary 5) My dad suffered a stroke and stuff brought on from some bug chomping through his brain, but the thing was before he had the stroke and stuff he got really depressed and like, evil. He wasnt himself and he limped around alot. Well My mum says hes been doing similar stuff recently and so now im worried that hes gonna get super ill again. Only this time hes 49 and not 33-34 or whatever he was when he had the first illness. Im not sure why I phone my parents it always gets me down, but if I dont then they complain that I dont phone them. So its easier if I do....I guess. I mean I love them dearly but I feel so helpless all the way down here. I send them money but it dissapears into bills so they dont actually see the money at all and then they get all angry cause I've given them money and they cant repay it back, so they feel like they owe me but its not like that I dont care if they dont ever give the money back ever, its just paper, I just want them to get outta the mess they've gotten themselves into. I just dunno how to help them and it frustrates me....alot.....*sighs*......

I slept in this morning, yesterday was the unofficial secret opening of our local pub after its refurbishment so we drank alot of free beer and didnt actually eat anything so thats a bad combination so when my alarm woke me up this morning I switched it off and went back to sleep and woke up at 845 which was a problem cause I start work at 830. So I ran around trying to put on clothes and phone my boss and get some juice and was out the door by 855 but i've never slept in for work before and the Hangover was like the worst thing ive ever had, which considering all the drinking and stuff we did over the weekend its kinda ironic that I didnt haf a hangover any of those days but today I did. I used to really like my job, its not that the novelty of playing with mud for a living has worn off because it hasnt, just that the dynamics of the people im with have changed and that makes me feel sad. Theres a girl at work called lisa who I really like but I dont really get the chance to work with her anymore and so our friendship as a result has suffered and that makes me sad that she dissapears off with the other girls in that lab most lunchtimes to go shopping or just out, but I dont get to go cause they dont ask me and im not about to invite myself. Theres only like 3 girls I trust after everything that happened between me louise and malinki I find truely trusting people hard and trusting females in particular even harder. Theres only Rosie Befney and Dee that i feel I can truely talk to and lisa was coming close to being a 4th person but we're kinda drifting apart and that makes me sad.

And this weekend im going to a haloween party and Im super excited cause its with some of my little friends and I getta dress up and I haf a fairy princess dress with wings and everyfing that im gonna wear. And Daddy prolly wont dress up cause he left his costume at Rosies on saturday but heres photographic proof of his costume, and it was quite funny cause it was for age 11 to 12 but daddy squeezed into it and so for the whole party he was trying not to garrot himself with it cause it was quite tight around certain areas and kept going up his bum *giggling even more* so it was quite funny....*wonders if daddy'll tell me off for telling you that part*

HALOWEEEEEEN!!!

2006-10-31T07:49:00.000Z

First off WE BROKE THE 10,000 MARK WOOOOHOOOOO howdy howdy howdy yeeehaaa. *coughs and composes herself* Well done blog *ruffles blogs hair like a big fluffy doggy* whose a good blog!! yep seems that since 29th of march or something like that this place has had 10, 000 and 54 (all important) hits who'd haf thought it would go on this long huh. But im gonna reset the counter cause the more hits yoo haf the longer it takes for the map to get redotted. So yeah.

Anyway I was gonna post a picture of daddy in his skelenton outfit but daddy hasnt uploaded the pics on his camera yet so you'll hafta wait until I do the next blog. Sorreee Yoo will getta see a picture I promise.

I'll share my haloween story wiv yoo. But first off before I do I wanna say. its not all fluffy bunnies and happiness kay. Theres a bit of forced babyfication going on in it so its not all cute. I was trying to win the competition you see so wrote what I thought might win. Cause the other story i've written (called my perfect day)has never really gotten any comments made on it and that one was written how I would want things to happen. And also its quite long and not very good. I messed up a few bits...well most of it really. But it was fun to write. Anyone can tell me what they think of it, even if its bad cause I dont mind saying "Sam yoor story is pants cause yoo could have done this that and the other alot better" cause constructive critisim would be very handy. I'll do a better haloween blog once I aquire the skeleton picture.

*************

"Wait, hang on guys, honestly. I'm not going through with this" I backed away from the door as my two friends, Shawn and Carrie giggled hysterically.
Shawn covering the bedroom door, my only means of escape and Carrie rummaging around in the wardrobe.
Hang on a minute, let me introduce myself. The name is Susan, but everyone calls me spike. I'm quite a short girl at the age of 22, but just because
i'm small doesnt mean I have a small attitude. And thats why everyone calls me spike, its a tough name At first i protested when they called me that
but after a couple of years now, I dont really respond to susan anymore, it didnt help when I got my tongue piereced.
I'm good at standing up for myself, and am very goth looking. yoo'll never find me wearing a primary colour and skirts are just a no go. My hair is
blonde about shoulder length, usually tied back in a high ponytail, i'm quite slim. I'm often found at the gym working out and I seriously watch my weight.
I work at the local police force, as do Carrie and Shawn. I like to think of myself as quite a hardnut. You know a girl who can give as good as she gets.
But thats how I got into this whole mess in the first place. Its halloween tonight and although we're all well over the age for trick or treating, thats what we're planning on going to do.
I lost a bet last night and now i'm really regretting it. I bet I could drink shawn under the table and I had a pretty good stab at it, but hey i'm
five foot 2 and he's six foot four. I should have stacked up those odds in the beginning, saying that though, i've drunken larger men than shawn under the
table before. I just dont understand how he managed to stay standing after all those shots of zambucca. But at the end of the day I lost and he won.
The bet was the loser had to go out trick or treating dressed as whatever the other person decided. So we're at Carries house. We've been here for a while just chatting
and sharing a couple of bottles of wine between the three of us as I've been trying to con my way out of the little bet. And now they've both sort of
suggested we go upstairs to see my forfeit, and me, trying to be a good sport have followed willingly even though my mouth is a little dry And now I'm
seriously freaking out, because both Shawn and carrie have sick evil warped depraved minds. god knows what they've concocted.

Anyway....back to what happens....

"AHA." My head spins round directed at Carrie who drags out a large bag at the bottom of her wardrobe, we're at her flat you see. I cant see in the bag
but my analytical mind wonders how long the bags been there as it was under quite alot of junk.
"look..." I say. "...We're not going trick or treating, we're all old enough to have our own kids, it's just stupid"
Shawn chuckled, that knowing mischievious sparkle in his eyes that I found quite sexy....oh I didnt mention did I, that I had a crush on Shawn...well,
I guess I just did now. I've already mentioned how tall he is, but he has dark black hair, quite long, very neat though, tied back. He usually has
stubble, but I like that rugged look. Often tends to dress quite scruffily when hes not in uniform. Likes to work on machines in his spare time can
pretty much make anything he feels like. That takes some skill. Hes very kind and gentle though, a good mate to talk to. I may as well introduce
Carrie too. Shes got shortish brown hair, blue eyes stands at about five foot seven, quiite a big lass if you get what I mean, cuddly. but shes the
best mate a girl could have, seriously shes got a wicked sence of humour but a heart of gold.

Carrie moves towards me with the bag and my shoulders just slump. I've tried talking them out of things for the past twenty minutes, but they're
damned determined and i'm curious to see whats in the bag now.
"okay okay...lets see what you've got for me, I know it's going to be daft"
Carrie opens the bag and pulls out what looks like a toga.
"I'm going as julius ceasar? Thats pretty weak!" the relief was evident in my voice.
Carrie laughs now, the humour seems to have vanished from her face shes looking all buisness no play. She speaks but its quiet so I have to listen closely.
"it's not a toga Suzie" A small smile spreads across her face as she pulls out nappy pins from the bag. I look at the pins and the large bit of towel
and very quickly put two and two together.
"oh no....OH NO. I am NOT going out dressed like a baby, and dont call me suzie"
Shawn still standing with his arms folded by the door laughs.
"Awww Suzies getting cranky. i'm sure she'll feel better once shes out of her big girl clothes and into something a bit more normal for a little girl
her age"
I blushed several crimson shades of red and laugh all nervous like.
"Please guys. thats just evil. You know this is a small town, how am I supposed to show my face down the nick tomorrow if I got out wearing that stuff
tonight."

Carrie smiles in an almost maternal way
"Dont yoo worry your little head about that, me and shawn are going dressed up too"
Again I felt relief wash over me. If we all went as babies then at least the full mocking heat wouldnt souly be on me.
"As babies? Okay...well...."
shawn cut me off
"Not as babies silly, as your mummy and daddy. We cant have a baby wandering off on her own, now are you going to put the nappy and clothes on like a
good girl or are we going to have to strip you and dress you ourselves like the baby you are?"
Shocked at the suggestion that they would dare invade my personal space like that, I snatch the towel and other stuff off of Carrie, realising my only
way out of this was to play along for now.
"No I can do it fine, go on, outside so I can get changed in peace" The tone of my voice cold, now that I know I cant sweet talk myself out of my
predicament. I'm feeling a bit odd, the wine must have been bad. My stomaches doing somersaults and I'm not sure whether its nervousness at going
outside in what im about to put on or whether its something else.
They leave with big smug grins on their faces and I go about pulling off my black jumper and slipping on the soft cotton pink t-shirt. It feels nice
and smells of baby powder, but pink really isnt me. I then pull off my jeans. I have no intention of taking off my pants though and proceed to pin the
towel overthe top of my pants. Now let me just set the record straight. I have no maternal instincts at all. I have no intention of ever having kids. Even other
peoples kids annoy me, so this was the first time i'd ever come into contact with any baby paraphinallia since...well....I was a baby I guess. So
I hadnt a clue what I was doing. I just tried to picture a baby in my head and imagine how it all fit together around my waist. I struggled gamely
on for ten minutes, being put off every once in a while by Carrie or Shawn chuckling outside the door. finally I had it pinned on in a rough nappy shape.
It felt so strange to have something so thick between my legs pushing them out so I had to stand bowlegged. I experimentally walked up and down the
room a couple of times watching myself in the full length mirror of Carries wardrobe. I looked ridiculous. and could see my face was once again
several shades of red. I was quite close to tears actually, although I wouldnt dare admit it at the time.
"okay...I'm done" I say it a slightly choked and more quieter voice than before. I feel alot less like my adult self, something about seeing
yourself dressed like that kinda makes yoo feel alot less like a woman.
The door flung open and Shawn and carrie moved in fast.
"Awww arnt yoo just the most adorable thing in the world" Shawn wanders up to me and pinches my cheek in a granny sort of way. He's dressed
slightly differently now, a different jumper on and polished shoes. carrie is wearing a summer dress with a big hat she looks like a stereotypical mother.
"What? So thats you're costumes. they just look like ordinary clothes" I feel a bit let down. Shawn just ruffles my hair and chuckles in a patronising way.
"but sweetie youre clothes are just normal too for a baby"
"Yeah but i'm NOT a baby"
Carrie stops the argument before I even get fully into the swing of things.
"Look it was you that made the stupid bet, now stop being such a sore loser."
I fall silent and seeing shes had the desired effect she quickly adds.
"Besides anyone who wears nappies has got to be a baby in my books"
I open my mouth to throw back a sarcastic retort and Shawn quickly whips something out of his pocket and plonks it in my mouth and so without warning I
find myself sucking on a pacifier. Instantly i spit it out and carrie bends down and picks it up.
"now you'll suck this young lady or you'll go over my knee." She pops it back in my mouth. I fold my arms stare defiantly at her and spit it back out
again.
Shawn sighs
"Oh dear, looks like we have a naughty baby girl Carrie" he sounds dissapointed but with a hint of mockery to his voice. I look at him and am about to
give him a bit of my mind when my wrist is grabbed quite forcefully and im pulled forward in such a way that I stumble and fall across Carrie who is
now sitting down on the nearby bed. I land heavily in her lap and she gives me three swift and very forceful swats on the back of my legs before I
have chance to push myself up.
"Hey..." I say in a whingy sorta voice but again im cut off as carrie forces the dummy back into my mouth.
"now young lady. I dont want to have to do that again, you'll suck that dummy like a good girl and I dont want to ear another peep out of you or you'll
regret it"
Now. I have a bit of a confession to make here. I was absouletely horrifed by my circumstances, I couldnt believe what was going on.
But something about Carries tone of voice made me stop dead in my tracks. Here I was. An independant 22 year old police officer. dressed in nothing
but a towel and a tshirt and sucking on a babys dummy and I was actually obeying what I'd just been told. thinking back on it now it was ludicrous,
but part of me actually realised that a very small part, I mean seriously microscopic part, was actually enjoying being told what to do.
I meekly nodded to carries triumphant grin. She took me by the hand and led me down the stairs. Shawn didnt follow, he went into the 2nd bedroom instead.
Waddling down the stairs made me realise just how thickly padded I was and I stumbled a couple of times much to Carries delight as she piped up
"Awww sweetie one day you'll beable to walk just like your mummy and daddy. We'll be so proud of you....can yoo say mummy?...MUM...MEE...Can you?
can you say it for me pumpkin?"
She nodded at me, encouraging me to say it. I lift my hand up to take the dummy out of my mouth so i could speak properly and I see the flash of
daggers in her eyes. I get the hint and I drop my hand and mumble through the dummy. "Mummy" carrie pats me on the head. "Nice try sweetie,
mebbe one day mummy will beable to understand what your saying. one day you'll even go to school, but not until you're at least out of nappies"
Getting tired of the sharade I sit down on the sofa, just wanting the night to be over. I wonder where shawn is and so ask
"Wheres shawn?"
I hear banging coming from upstairs. carrie has her back turned to me, shes throwing things into a bag. I cant quiet see what shes doing.
The clattering and banging gets louder and I realise shawn is moving something around upstairs.
"Is he okay? Dont you think we should go upstairs and see if he needs a hand"
I must say that sentence takes alot of work to say when you have an oversized baby pacifier in your gob.
carrie turns to me and smiles again with an over the top patronising smile reserved for very young kids
"Wasawaaa wasawaa.. what you trying to say sweetie? mummy cant understand you. Just wait for your daddy to come down then we can all go out for a stroll"
I remain seated, understanding fully now that Carrie intends to play this role out till the end. the wine I had earlier is still making me feel a bit
more accepting than usual, so i let her patronisation slide. I can take it, after all I lost the bet. Let them have their fun. I fold my arms and flop
further back onto the sofa, waiting for shawn to come down. twenty minutes later I'm feeling very drowsy indeed and even with the bulk of the nappy
inbetween my legs I feel comfy enough that i'm dozing peacefully on the sofa, when a different banging reaches the top of the stairs and starts to clatter
down them. Shawn is carrying a large bit of something down the stairs and having only just woken up I cant really see...well i can see...but I dont
comprehend what he has until hes in the middle of the living room unhooking it all and setting it up. An oversized baby stroller. I wanna jump up
and run. I really do, but the wine and my drowsiness seem to have me captive on the sofa I just look at it and resign myself to the fate that im
gonna be sitting in that very shortly.
"Dont you think this is going a little far? Where did that even come from?"
Shawn looks at me and then looks at Carrie saying quite clearly and deliberately. "havent you told her the rules?" Carrie shakes her head and smiles
coyly. "I was leaving that honour to you"
"Okay Suzie, rule one, no talking using your adult vocabulary. you want something you'll only get a response out of us if you call us mummy and daddy
and only if you talk in a babyish way. You want something your best bet is to whimper or cry. you want to sleep its nini...you're a smart girl you can figure out
ways of communication without using proper english. Second rule, as from this moment you're not allowed to stand up, crawl by all means but no standing.
You break either of these rules and It will be over the knee spankings for you and I dont care where you are. Children need discipline and whilst
you're dressed the way you are you will be treated like the child you appear to be. understood?"

I feel my ears buring red with embarrasment as again I nod meekly, too tired to do very much else.
carrie smiles and moves closer to me.
"I see the mild sedative we put in the wine is working quite nicely" I feel shock thrill through me
"Wha?" I manage to say as carrie grabs my hand pulls me to my feet and then hoists me onto her body so my feet actually leave the ground. I try
to struggle but find no actual strength in my attempts. Shes alot bigger and stronger than me and she has one arm under my butt supporting me while
the other holds me tight against her.
"there there baby shush shush mummys here, its okay" She says as she moves over to the baby buggy and places my limp body into it. Shawns there and
slips my limp arms through the buggy harness holes and clips it all in place, finishing the ensemble off with a small padlock just inacse I push
the button I guess. I manage to whimper and start to cry a little. both shawn and carrie look at one another a little bit worried
Shawn says "you dont think?" And I see carrie nod and for a split second I think that they had realised they'd gone to far. but shawn bends over me and
pats my nappy, checking it I guess to see if I've wet it He stands back up and shakes his head.
"nope shes still dry" and then he ruffles my hair. "Whose a good girl...dont cry, mummy and daddy will look after you really well. Everyones going to
love you."
The five point harness on the buggy is pushing the thick cloth nappy up into me so it feels even bulkier and obvious than ever. I whimper a bit more
this joke has gone way too far. I still dont know where they got the buggy from. It looks very realistic. just a scaled up version of one I saw the other day.

Carries opened the front door, and the night air creeps a little into the house. I feel relieved at least that its exceptionally mild for this time of year
cause going out in next to nothing at halloween would usually result in a full blown cold the next day.
And then we're all out the door and im being pushed down the street. Other kids are flitting from door to door getting sweets and telling jokes and I just want to not be here. I just want to hide and imagine im someplace better. In my own home perhaps watching eastenders or down the gym. I have no idea what their plan is. I dont know where we're heading. I hope they're just going to pick random houses of people I dont know, but something inside of me suggests thats not going to be the case. They'll want me as humiliated as they can possibly get me. They were going to milk this for everything it was worth. I suddenly realise with upmost urgency that suddenly I really need to use the toliet. I wave my arm up in the arm floppily in an attempt to get them to stop the buggy for a second and whoever is pushing it does actually faulter for a second. I cant see behind me so I dont know who is pushing and who is walking by the side.
"I need to use the toilet" I say between the dummy. Shawn moves into view the buggy continues to move though so now I know its carrie pushing. He doesnt look at me but he says with upmost seriousness in his voice almost like hes talking to carrie but not looking at her.
"Its good baby has her dummy in her mouth cause I would almost swear that she had said big grown up words, and she knows thats a bad idea"
I think for a moment, my stomache feeling uncomfortable with its full baldder. I mumble, feeling ashamed but the urgency to go leaving me no choice.
"pottee daddee pottee"
Again my words are muffled but I managed to sound clear enough to get my point across.
"baby...potties are for big girls, you dont ned to worry about things like that for a year or so yet. Dont be in such a hurry to grow up okay sweetheart" He chuckles and ruffles my hair.
"No daddee pottee..potteee" I say with increased desperation. Shawn wouldnt dare let me wet myself. He wouldnt be that callous. he simply smiles at me though and drops back to a point where I cant see him and I know with certainity then, that he is planning on letting me wet myself.
"NONONONO" I say, I try and struggle. I try and pull my shoulders free of the harness. But the sedative still has quite a hold on me, and even with my extra determination and resolve I cant break free. I jab at the button but the padlock keeps it in place. I just hear chuckling coming from behind me and then my heart stops.
"TED! SALLY!....Hows it going?" Shawns voice bellows across the road at a couple leading two kids, one dressed as a vampire and the other dressed as some kind of dinosaur. The couple stop dead and then taking their kids lead them over to where we're walking. I cringe, partly through embarrassment but mainly because I know I cant hold on much longer and I really dont want to have an accident infront of people from the neighbourhood....well anyone really. I hadnt wet my pants since I was about 3.
Ted and sally and their two kids approach and laugh when they realise who it is sitting in the buggy.
Teds a rotund man, I always see him down the pub on a friday, the centre of gossip usually red faced before 10pm. his wife sally enjoys also partaking in the gossip around here, wouldnt say anything mallicious but also tended to just let things slip out accidentally in conversation. I didnt know they had kids though. The elder looking of the two boys looked about 13-14 and the other was about 10.
Ted laughed wholeheartidly. "Susan, I didnt recognise you there. cute costume."
I dont say anything aware of rule number one and not wanting to embarrass myself any further I just smile. I cant see Carrie but I hear her instructions
"Say hello to uncle Ted and aunty Sally, suzie sweetie. Theres a good girl"
I gulp. Scrunch up my eyes and manage a quiet "Hewwo" through the dummy. Sally just claps her hands in glee. "Awww isnt she just adorable." The kids are grinning at me like some circus side show and I just want to curl up and die.
Shawn speaks to Ted "We're heading down the station. Im sure the lads will want to see Spike as the girl she never was" Ted guffaws. "Excellent idea. I wouldnt mind seeing that myself. Mind if I join you guys." I feel like just bursting into tears but I dont. We cant go down the station Shawn must be bluffing. They wouldnt subject me to everyone down there it would wreck my career, noone would ever take me seriously again. The youngest of the two boys tugs on his mothers jacket saying in a hushed, yet very loud whisper. "Mummy why is that lady wearing nappies? I dont need to wear nappies anymore and i'm nine" Sally just titters irritatingly. "Its okay Josh, it's just a costume"
Carrie resumes pushing the buggy and now I have shawn carrie and Teds family following the procedings and still no release from the pressure building in my bladder. Shawn and ted are talking about buisness as we walk. Ted runs a pharmacy you see. He does pretty well out of it. his wife does things like tupperware parties. Theyre plesant enough but a bit dull on their own. i guess thats why they make it their buisness to know everyone elses, so they can be the first ones with the latest gossip of the street. We came to a road and I looked across the other side and gulped realising that the road was cobbled. This wasnt going to be fun. My stomache was painful now. I shook my head and moaned a little.
"Shush Suzie, we'll get yoo someplace warm and fed shortly, you'll just have to be patient" Carries authorative voice again rang out, ordering me into silence. Once the last car had passed we made our way across the road bumping and rocking around really didnt help my predicament and it was when Carrie was pushing the buggy back onto the curb on the otherside that i felt the first trickle escape. And that was that. It was like a dam breaking, one minute control then next minute a flood and what was worse. I wasnt actually really wearing a nappy at all, simply a towel made to look like a nappy so it wasnt very absorbant at all, so within a few seconds you could hear a steady patter at the wee ran straight through the towelling through the seat of the buggy and onto the pavement below. What did I do? I just buried my face into my hands and cried. Carrie had stopped the buggy I couldnt see people but I could feel them all staring at me. I tried not to think about what they thought of me. Was I disgusting? Was I pathetic. the answer was both to those, but I couldnt help it. i couldnt get out of the buggy. I couldnt do anything about the fact I had just wet myself. Everyone was silent. I could hear sniggering coming from one of the kids.
It was Shawns voice that broke through the silence
"Uh-oh babys had a big accident...didnt I tell yoo to tell me if yoo needed to go potty"
My face flushed crimson again. I HAD tried to tell him
"But....but...."
"yes thats right, your butt is all soggy now. and we've only been out of the house for five minutes. I thought this was all just a game. You're only supposed to be dressed like a baby not actually be a baby, but if you're going to wet your pants like a real toddler then we're going to have to get you all cleaned up and changed arnt we"
He actually looked angry and I felt more tears prickle my face. I was so filled with shame I couldnt bear it. Sally breaks the awkward silence.
"Our pharmacy isnt far from here, we could open up and get her some disposables if you dont mind the extra five minute walk"
I could hear carrie sigh. "Oh Sally that would be wonderful, we didnt bring any spare nappies because we didnt realise we were dealing with a proper little baby. We thought she would stay dry" Saly looked at me in a pitying yet maternal way. "Sometimes these things just happen. im sure little suzie is sorry" Great I think to myself now the neighbours are calling me suzie as well. I feel the tears come back again and I cover my face and sob pathetically for a few more minute. I feel the buggy begin to move again and ww're off in a new direction heading for Teds pharmacy. We get there quicker than I would have liked. the thick toweling between my legs absouletly sodden and growing colder by the minute due to the october air. Sally opens the front door and switches on the lights whilst carrie pushes the buggy through the door closely followed by shawn, ted and his kids. Sally wanders off to the back of the store, calling out...."I'll just go get a range of nappies and see which ones you like for your little one"
Shawn has come round the front of the buggy and is undoing the padlock. i dont look at him I dont say a word. My teeth are biting down on the dummy hard. Im feeling confused and exhausted by the sudden events. All these people fussing over me. I have lived my life as a lone wolf sort of figure. I mean sure I have friends but at the end of the day I enjoy going back to my house. Its just the way I want it noone else messes with my life. I care for my friends but am happy believing that noone really cares about me. Im happy fending for myself. My problems are mine to work out and dont need to be discussed with anyone. yet Shawn and Carrie fussing over me like this has been making me feel strange. like Ive suddenly realised something in my life is missing. Its a confusing feeling to feel. Acsouletly destesting whats happened and whats going on yet in small ways actually liking it. I dont know something about wetting myself so helplessly suddenly made me feel smaller, like it was okay cause someone else was going to sort it all out and be there to protect me. My reflections came to a quite demise when sally appeared again carrying a stack of different coloured different sized nappies. Shawn seeing Sally returning grabs me around the wrists and hauls me to my feet, where I promptly collapse onto my knees. My legs wont take my weight. Is this the work of the sedative the wine or the stress. I dont know. but I land in a squelchy mess on the floor. the older of the two boys sniggers "he dropped the baby" Sally turned and barked "Bill, shush" Then turned back to shawn whose plucking me up off the floor whilst trying not to get himself covered in my urine. "Shawn theres a number of different types to try. I thought she looked like a medium but I have some large there as well incase you might want to put a second or third layer on her, after all you dont want this happening again" Sally says witha smirk "Theres a room out the back I've left a plastic sheet on a table for you. I know its not ideal as a changing table but it'll have to do until you get her home"
"Thanks sal, youre a star" He says as he carries me gingerly out back. All the while my head been down not looking at anyone or anything not even struggling now, something in me seems to have snapped. Shawn puts me down on the table so that i'm sitting there looking limp and very sorry for myself. Carrie comes in moments later with the bag she had packed back at the house slung over her shoulder. She looks at me and then at shawn
"Are you going to change her or should I"
I look up and shake my head..."I can do it." I say tiredly. "I dont want either of you doing....that to me"
Shawn walks up to me and gently pushes my forehead so I find myself falling backwards and landing fully on the table. "Look, babies dont change themsleves,a nd we've established tonight just how much of a baby you really are, so just suck your dummy like a good girl and daddy will get you all cleaned up and dressed in no time." He grabs both my ankles in one of his big strong hands and hauls then up into the air and then delives three very swift crcks with the back of his hand onto the back of my cold thighs. I yell at the sudden surpised soreness and begin to cry again, too easily that it scares me.
"And I warned you about using big grown up words suzie. Now please be a good girl, daddy doesnt like seeing his princess crying" Carrie dumps the bag down by the table and waves. "I'm going to go speak to sally and Ted, i'll leave you to it. I think you've got it covered"
and with that Carrie left. I looked at Shawn trying to gauge his reaction. Then spoke through the dummy again "You're not really going to cha....?"
~WHACK~ His hand cracked against the back of my thighs again and I fell into a quiet whimper
"Quiet baby, it'll be okay, soon you'll be warm and dry again and can be the happy little baby I know you can be" he began unpinning the towel and I just lay there letting him. I dunno why i let him. I mean the sedative had me weakened, but part of me really just wanted shot of the horrible wet towel. He unpinned it and the smeel of urine wafted up making me feel even more wretched and ashamed. I let out a little sob but managed t stop myself bursting into full blown tears.
"Shhhshhhh little one" Shawn said softly. "It's really okay. Dont worry. i'm going to take good care of you" He pulled the nappy off and saw my soaked underwear. "Awww baby shouldnt be wearing big girl panties, no wonder you're feeling confused. And with that he hooked his index finger around the elastic and tugged my pants off of me. I sobbed a little more, not daring to look him in the face. Im sure he could feel the heat from my blushing
"shhhhshhhhshhhh" he leant over and stroked my temple soothingly, trying to calm me down. Gently...oh ever so gently he pulled my hand away from my face and looked at me in a concerned way. "Suzie, it's going to be okay. I promise. Daddy wont let any harm come to you. Okay. I promise you honestly and truely. You're going to be safe now" I looked him in the eyes for the first time that night and saw the seriousness in his face. This wasnt a game. this wasnt a girl losing a bet. Something important was going on here. The look in his eyes meant buisness. It called to a part of me that I had long since brushed under the carpet. I realised I had stopped crying. captivated by his eyes I lay there. he looked away down at my nakedness and whilst I still felt shame and embarrasment it wasnt as horrible as it had been previously. he was going to make everything okay.
Rummaging through the bag Carrie had left, he produced some wipes and getting a few out cleaned me up so I no longer smelt of stale pee. A sprinkling of talcum powder made the room smell very babyish. I sucked on the dummy quietly while he did this. Then he pulled out the first nappy and I felt the embarrasment well up in me again, but at the same time a strange feeling of acceptance. I knew that no matter what I did I was going to end up wearing that dispsoable nappy. It was plain white, with nothing else on it. I have no idea what the make or model was but it looked really thick considering it was a disposable. he lifted my bum by hoisting my ankles into the air and when he lowered my ankles again there was a definete feeling of padding underneathe my bottom. He pulled the sides out a little and then pulled the front of the nappy up and over my navel. he chuckled warmly.
"looks like this nappy is a bit too big for you poppet, dont worry, I'm sure you'll grow into them one day" With that he tapped up the sides and adjusted the leg elastic talking to himself "We dont want you to leak this time now do we" then taking a second nappy of the same type he proceeded to put that one on me too. now this second nappy made my original cloth nappy seem much less bulky. I lay there not really being very able to close my legs together. I felt very vunerable, but at the same time I trusted shawn to protect me for some reason. He pulled me up by the armpits into a sitting position and I squirmed a little getting used to the crinkling sound and the different kind of softness in comparison to the cloth nappy I had been wearing. I must admit the dryness and softness were certainly an improvement. He shoved his hands under my bottom and then lifted me up into his arms. instead of complaining or struggling I simply hooked my arms around his neck and buried my head in the crook of his shoulder. He didnt say anything, he just stood there holding me and lightly rocking me for a moment, one of his hands stroking my hair. Then he said in a hushed whisper. "Its time to go out and see the others now. Be a good girl and I wont have to spank you anymore. I much prefer seeing you smile you know. you have a very adorable smile"
I just buried my head deeper into his shoulder allowing a secret smile to flicker across my face at his kind words as he carried me out of the back room and back into the main area of the shop where everyone was waiting. Ted walks towards us both waving his hands around as he spoke.
"We got a few hairdryers together and dried off the buggy as best we could for now. I'm sure itll be fine again, after all she doesnt have any shoes and you cant carry her around all night. I felt myself dozing on shawns shoulder, the embarrsement and just psychological and emotional weight that had been on me had drained me of the last of my strength and womanhood. laying then held tight by shawn I just felt myself falling into numbing sleep.
I woke up to the sounds of birds. My eyes fluttered open and I stretched my arms up like I always do first thing in the morning, only to have my arms stop dead halfway when they hit bars. I look both left and right and realise im in an oversized babys crib. I dont understand for a second and then I sit up groggily and immediately my hands shoot down to my groin where I realise Im still wearing a rather oversized disposable nappy, but only one this time so at some point I must have been changed whilst i was sleeping. I also realise that the one im wearing is soggy. I sit there in my wet nappy, wondering whats going on. I worry that I got taken to the station last night without even realising. I worry about why theres an oversized crib and why im in it. I worry mainly about where Shawn is. The door to the room opens and shawn enters wearing a Carries dressing gown.
He sees me awake and a large smile appears on his face.
"heya sweetie, you're awake. You were out like a light last night, sleeping like a baby, you were just so cute I almost couldnt bear it. Do you like your new room? you're going to be our baby now, okay. Me and carrie. We'll look after you. You wont have to worry about a thing."
I look around and notice its not just a room with a oversized crib in it but had cute animals all over the wall and stuffed toys on the shelves. I think for a moment about protesting. I think about my flat and my job and I suddenly realise that they dont really matter. last night I tasted something I had forgotten, something i realised I needed. I flop back down in the cot and pull the quilt up halfway over my face so that Shawn cant see the smile between my dummy. He kneels down looking at me through the bars.
"So?" he says...."Do you think last night was trick or treat?"
And I think for a moment and nod ever so gently saying "Treat daddy" and with those words free off my tongue I slip back into sleep, knowing that from here on in Ill have the love and attention I had always secretly dreamed of.

The day it rain spaghetti

2006-10-30T16:05:00.000Z

Well im back. What a weekend. Like seriously seriously knackering. It started on friday nite...well really it started on thursday with a comedy night, got very drunk and then next day had work went to work then afterwards had a fortieth birfday party to go to which again got very drunk. It was good though cause i'm apparently in a rock band now. I was told im gonna be a singer. Im sure it was all in jest but because i sung my aberdeen song and my spider song people found them funny. Then saturday was up stupidly early to get to london excel for the cosplay convention thingumy. I went dressed up as Chii from chobits, quite a popular anime/manga which I found out quite quickly because even before I reached the convention people at the train station were pointing at me and shouting out "CHII!!!" It was kinda like being famous and it was quite embarrassing but kinda nice at the same time.

It took us 2 hours worth of queing to get inside but once we were in it was really awesome. Saw lots of stuff I wanted to buy, but unfortunately fell on that time of the month where I have zero pounds and zero pence. Gutted really when I saw the entire collection of neon genesis evangelion for only 40 quid and the same for bubblegum crisis tokyo 2040. 2 of my most favourite animes but dont have them anymore. But did manage to get a wallet which is awesome cause on saturday morning before we left the post arrived and I finally got my driving liscence so yay yay yay I have ID I have ID that means I can get into the harry potter pub now Jane so yay yay lets do that kay? Also I finally got hold of a copy of my neighbour totoro A film ive always wanted to see and own. SO yay yay. Also saw christopher lee wandering around which was really strange. he brushed up past me and daddy and And he is like super super tall. I know im short so that most people are tall to me but he was like doorway ducking tall. We hung around with emma for some of it but kept getting seperated, and we watched the masquerade (Which is like a costume competition) I didnt enter but some of the costumes were staggeringly detailed quite jealous really at some peoples talents.

Anyway then saturday night went to rosies house for a house warming party (her friends housewarming party) and whilst I was there I kinda outted myself to rosies housemate. I was still wearing my chii dress cause it was fancy dress and I dunno how he saw but apperntly at some point during the time I was there he must have seen my nappy cause he went up to rosie and told her what I was wearing. So whoops. He already knows about rosie so hes accepting of the whole thing, which is lucky. I just dunno how he saw cause i was really careful. Daddy went as a skelenton which was super funny and I may post a pic of his costume 2moro cause its haloween. but shhh dont tell him...

Then sunday we went to a punk festival but our train got stuck so we ended up missing 3 out of the 5 bands that we had actually travelled to go see which was annoying. But we saw the main one we follow around which was ace and we stayed at their house and now finally im back home, trying to catch up on everything.

I won a halloween story competition which was super ace and not very expected at all. I'll show yoo the story 2moro though what with it being haloween 2moro. its not all that good but people say im being overly self critical. theres huge parts that I didnt write cause i was so keen to get it done. thats my main problem I think. Im too damn impatient I want things now now now. I wanna be good at everything instantly, or worse I start a project and get bored with it halfway through. But yeah I'll show the story 2moro. It was good writing again. I used to do alot of creative writing, even took night classes as a hobby but I dont have much inspiration, and this blog kinda swallows what writing I do do, which is fine. I find writing this all very cathartic and I love hearing other peoples experiences when they reply to stuff ive written. It makes me feel like im touching other people. But I dont really mind about winning the competition it was good just having someone outline a goal. you know give me a topic to write about so I have a direction. That was what was great about the competition.

And what else happened today....ahh yes the blog title. got biscuits out of the cupboard...or tried to 2nd self from the top is reachable but with difficulty so I got the stupid biscuits out of teh cupboard but ontop of those was a half opened bag of spegghetti so it all started showering down and it was so funny I kinda just let it happen because i was laffing too much it was like an avalanche of pasta. I dunno why I found it funny. It just was.

Oh and priss, twinkies are wonderful. befney sent me a box of 10 but I only had 3 or so at the end cause i gave them to lots of people, and at the anime/cosplay convention I saw hershey choclate but it was like super expensive (in fairness all the food related items there were stupidly expensive) so I didnt buy any. But twinkies are like dream food. daddy thought they were too sweet but i thought they were juuuust right. :)

Goodbye

2006-10-27T18:30:00.000+01:00

Okay so this is the last time im gonna be posting till monday mebbe even tuesday depending on how the weekend goes, so this might be a little longer (not only for that reason but because I know Janes bored so i wanna give her something to read)

Today my boss was being a bully towards Jack. It was Jacks last day today. And What with tony being a bully at him and just generally picking on him. It reminded me of when bullies used to pick on me at school.

You know where I was around 6-8 years old I was a real terror of a kid. Well I wasnt very nice I used to do stupid things like prank calling police and one time I even smashed the break lights of a caravan. I dunno what possessed me to do it. Even to this day. But I know now That I feel very guilty about it. Perhaps the one thing i regret the mostest was when me and my cousin collected loads of snails and I mean at least 30-40 snails and then we kinda killed them all. It was something to do. We put them on train tracks and watched trains run over them, we threw them at peoples house windows. We were just very cruel and horrible and I think if Im going to hell its that incident thats gonna put me there. I regretted it instantly after doing it and I went home and sobbed my heart out.
Then we moved house and moved back up to scotland and having an english accent and being podgy I was an instant target for bullies. I'd went from being quite an over confident kid to being very timid and shy and whilst I obviously hated being teased and beaten up im eternally thankful for it now. they really knocked me down a peg or two and made me realise that everyone had feelings. Being bullied made me realise its nicer to be nice rather than horrible.

Okay picking up the tone now. The picture. Not last night but the night before I had a really itchy buttock but I couldnt scratch it cause my nappy was quite thick and daddy found it really funny. So I was trying to pull my trousers down so I could pull my nappy down to get to the itch but daddy garbbed my hands and stopped me. now I dunno if anyones ever stopped you from scratching an itch but its horrible its so irritating that it can bring tears to yoor eyes so I tried to squirm and wiggle and it just wasnt working and daddy pulled me up to him really tight and stroked my hair and said "Shhh shhh poppet wats the matter?" Are yoo hungry? Do yoo need a change?" and I kept saying I needed to scratch my itch but he kept pretending he didnt know what was wrong and kept saying stuff like "Do you need burping? Oh i wish I knew what was wrong with you" And it was really funny but frustrating. So i know why babies cry. they just need someone to scratch their back or nose or whatever. Yoo dont need to put another layer of clothing on them or feed them more. case solved.

Anyway I better go. 2moro me and emma are going to the cosplay conventiony thing in london and im super excited about it. BYYYEE

giving thanks

2006-10-26T18:21:00.000+01:00

You know its thanksgiving pretty soon. I've never been to a thanksgiving thing cause well...I live in the UK and ive never had sweet potatoe pie that people talk avidly about and yams what is a yam exactly? I think its like a potatoe isnt it? but anyway aleady ive lost my train of thought...*pauses for a second....* ahh yes Giving thanks.

Ths thing is (and I wanted to bring this up in daddys birthday post and my birthday and valentines day and just any celebration where we show others around us how much we appreciate and love them) That we shouldnt wait for that specific day. A birthday is special yes, but you know what, a spontaneous card or heart felt letter, a bunch of flowers or a specially cooked meal, anything like that can happen on any day. we shouldnt all just wait for that one commercialised day to show those around us how much we love and appreciate them. So you know what, you should go and make someone feel special kay. Like stop reading this blog and just pick up the phone. Go talk to yoor folks or a friend you havent said hi to in ages, go snuggle up with yoor partner or go read a story to yoor kids, cause you never know when you're living your last day right?

Scary girly stuff

2006-10-25T19:00:00.000+01:00

Okay so here we go. photographic proof provided ever so kindly by daddy. going from your left to right we have a green skittle with a green inside, an orange skittle with a green inside, an orange skittle with an orange inside a green skittle with an orange inside a green skittle with a red inside and a green skittle with a green inside. When will the insanity end?

I was feeling very fragile today. I cant be sure but I think people we're subtly picking on me at work. mebbe it was because I was feeling down on myself already but they were joking alot about jason from the haloween series of movies and dungareens/coveralls I think americans call them (which i wear to work an awful lot) and just they kept reiterating the dungareen part and it mad me feel like I was being picked on, but you know what it's probably all in my head. And even if its not in my head why should I care what three adolescent boys think of me. I've got better things to worry about than them.

I'm all hormonal (not trying to freak anyone out by reading this but things are about to get quite personal...) its that time of the month. I dont get that time of the month very often infact probably about 6 times a year if that. I know thats not good but I find it quite convienient not having periods. I mean I hate them. they make yoo feel really awful and theres no better way of knowing yoor not a baby when yoor bodys telling yoo its very much a woman. So I get super grumpy during my period time, not because hormones make me grumpy but because I dont feel very little during the three or four days or so when its all happening.

Its the same as boobs. boobs are a pain in the ass...(and back sometimes) when yoo want to be little. Yoo cant really do things like skipping or jumping about cause they get in the way (well mine do cause theyre quite big) and most dresses for Adult babies are cut for guys so I cant really wear those cause the toddler style dresses dont take into account people with boobs. Its quite a shame cause theres been some really gorgeous dresses that I just couldnt squeeze into cause of my chest size. Ah well I shouldnt complain really Im short enough to fit into most 12-13 year old clothing so things could be worse.

Anyway after the ranting i did yesterday daddy put me to bed early with a big hug and a bedtime story and then later I woke up about 1am and daddy still wasnt in bed so I whimpered a little bit and because te baby monitor was on he heard it and came running and fed me a bottle and put me back to sleep and then when he finally came to bed he hugged me lots and i felt so fuzzy and warm and safe and dreamy that it was super good.

More on Ageplay

2006-10-24T19:21:00.000+01:00

Okay before we go any further on this one, let me just point out that these are my points of view kay? If yoo dont like them thats cool Im not asking people to like them, even better yet if you have a problem with what yoor about to read here why not say something, we can discuss stuff kay?

I was thinking of ageplay as a fetish (I dont normally think of it in that light cause its more of a lifestyle thing that something sexual) but thinking of the fetish side was spurred on by a rammenstein music video I watched on saturday with rosie mel and daddy called sonne where its bascially a darker version of snow white but at one point snow white turns up and totally spanks the little dwarf dudes, and Rosie mentioned something about people having a giant fetish and I realised that the snow white character could also easily have passed off for a mummy figure and then I wondered about ageplay and how parts of it could come under different fetishes. Like for me being an Adult baby I guess I could also have a lifting and carrying fetish as I like being pick up and manhandled in much the same way a baby would be, wearing nappies it could be said I partake in watersports, having lots of stuffed toys mebbe a bit of plushie fetish, plastic fetish for plastic pants and plastic sheets? A humiliation fetish perhaps and spanking as well and an age regression thing going on too I guess and theres probably lots of others I cant think of either cause its getting dark and late or because im a bit too niave to think them up. I mean I wasnt even aware of the giant thing until Rosie was talking about it.
But just listing the few that I can think of is it any wonder that ageplay (and thats only in an adult baby sence I havent touched apon any other age groups because I dont participate in any of those) is getting to be bigger and bigger on the fetish scene?

I know lots of people see ageplay as a sexual thing, and thats cool. Its not my cup of tea really (as i've said countless times before) and as ive also stipulated countless times its never ever about real kids. i kinda worry sometimes, I mean part of me would really dearly love to work with kids, you know be a playgroup leader or a teacher or something, but my blog kinda prevents me from going any further into that idea, just because i'd be petrified of people discovering this blog or pics of me and getting the wrong idea. Its too late to get rid of the pics they've kinda spread around and that was my own fault years ago but I mean that would seriously crush my heart for people to just jump the gun and tag ageplay with really wrong stuff. i mean to some people they understand that ageplay has nothing to do with real children and yet still think ageplay is really wrong. I think thats kinda upsetting. It also really annoys me (even more so than tangled wires or coat hangers or hoovering...or even hoovering up coathangers tangled in wires...now thats me being really really annoyed) when people who are actually into the ageplay scene seem to judge one type of ageplay to be worse than others, like 'I ageplay a teen, those who ageplay babies are just sick, or 'im a genetic girl who likes being a baby girl all boys who want to be baby girls are just plain wrong' I would have thought that anyone into anything non vanilla would be just gerenally more accepting of other peoples kinks. sadly im finding this isnt entirely the case I mean it really really irritates me that people can be so harsh sometimes. I dont understand and I guess im being judgemental of those who are judegmental...lol but seriously if it makes you happy dont let other people get you down on stuff kay. Cause its great to just be who you are regardless of whether yoor an AB a LG a teen a whatever.
But i wonder in the next ten twenty years or so do you think ageplay will be as wide spread as lets say BDSM? I mean to a certain extent ageplay comes under BDSM under that whole daddy dom thing.
But you know what? Who cares right? Im happy with daddy, we do what we do and (trying not to sound big headed here but I feel failing miserably) we're pretty good at doing it because its not an act or show its who we are and what feels emotionally right. He looks after me keeps me safe gives me hugs, in return I give him unconditional love. Its that simple and I love that i feel comfortable with where I am in life in regards to the whole ageplay scene. I hope to always be daddys little girl, so long as he wants me thats where i'll be

Strange

2006-10-24T07:49:00.000+01:00

Im feeling a little on the odd side today. Its almost time to go to work but here I am sitting and writing nonsence in my blog. Last night went to a punk gig in killburn it was all very last minute and a large part of me just wanted to stay at home and go to sleep cause the night before I have no idea what time I fell asleep but it was AM rather than PM and so last night when we finally got in and such and finally got into bed it was 330am and now im up and its 730 and I hafta do stupid mathematics and lift heavy stuff and well its all my own fault. But the gig was really ace, im super glad daddy twisted my arm and made us go. We also got chinese which is my favouritest food anything sweet and sour is perfect.
There was only one problem last night and that was I leaked very very badly on the way home on the train. It was okay when I was soggy at the punk gig cause I was standing up so I didnt leak but when I sat down on the train, well it all went really really wrong :( I felt very sorry for myself cause normally on train journeys I get to sit on daddys lap but obviously this time round he didnt want me sitting on his lap cause I would get him just as soggy as I was.
This weekend coming up is probably going to be the most hectic weekend ive ever had so far.
Friday night we're in leighton buzzard...(thats a place not a bird...it would be a really big bird to fit me and daddy in it....Sometimes I wish that Moa's hadnt been hunted to extinction. I would have loved to see one of those. I wonder if they would have been big enough to fit me and daddy in it...apparently there used to be a bird called the ROK that could have eaten elephants....but im not sure if thats made up or not cause it was out of some kids dinosaur book that I used to be enthralled with as a child...but moas would be ace if they were still around....oooh going off on a tangent here...bad triangles...get back...back I say)
Anyway in leighton buzzard for a fortieth birfday party then saturday day we're gonna spend half at the london expedition thingumy (you know that cosplay thing Ive talked about) and the second half of the day I think is gonna be spent at the london science museum cause they have a computer game exhibition which basically has me drooling (even though I droll normally this is like turbo drool...ewww....I totally just squicked myself) Anyway saturday night we're at rosies friends house for a house warming party and then sunday we're at an all day punk festival and we've both booked the monday off of work cause we know we're never gonna be alive enough to do anything on monday.

So thats my upcoming weekend which is why this week im planning on taking it easy. I fink mebbe I might go to bed ridiculouslly early or get daddy to put me to bed up in the nursery. It hasnt been liveable in recently cause we've been sorting lots of junk out so alot of computer equipment was in the nursery but because mel and rosie came to stay it forced us to tidy up a bit extra so now the nursery is tidy again so I can sleep up there. so YAY YAY. I need to quickly lose weight too for saturday, so im gonna not eat anything, not even cake and chocolate or anything so i might be grumpy for the next few days, but hey you guys can handle that. I think i've toughened you up a little with my constant whining.

Oh yeah to end this post. I did a quiz a few days ago..heres the results. Im gonna start putting quiz links down the side I fink

Your view on yourself: You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for: You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship: You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love: You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education: Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you: You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success: Success in your career is not the most important thing in life. You are content with what you have and think that being with someone you love is more than spending all of your precious time just working.

What are you most afraid of: You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self: You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Take this qui here....qui?? whats a qui?? Mebbe yoo should take the quiZ here instead

I did it. It happened. It worked

2006-10-22T18:11:00.000+01:00

Title says it all really. I can finally let you all in on the secret that ive been keeping for like a month and a half.
Last night there was a surprise birfday party for daddy. I've been stressing over so much stuff. At first oganising a date that the venue wasnt booked and teh bands weren't booked seemed to be a task that was never going to work, but with a bit of thinking and alot of luck we worked around problems and such. Then there was a mix up with the bands and their speakers and PA systems but that all got sorted. It was all a bit of a nightmare trying to get people to come cause paul knows like a baillion million people but theyre all very different,some are family some are into trains some are into punk some are into computer systems some are just from the pub, he knows loads so trying to get the word around without him actually knowing something was up was really tricky. The main band playing couldnt even advertise the gig cause paul is running their website for them at the moment. *giggling*

Anyway we all told him there was a quiz going on like about a month ago and so he knew there was a quiz but it wasnt a quiz really. So we all went up there and when he walked in the first people he saw was one of the bands but he didnt actually register why they were there then he saw the other band and he says it still didnt really click he thought they were here for the quiz, but when he saw his mum and dad I think then the cogs really began turning. I think perhaps he wasnt excepting it at all cause he was a bit confused and dazed.

It went really well, lots of people turned up and the first band played and things were good then I went to light the candles on the cake only to discover that I'd lost one of them there was a candle in the shape of a three and a shape of a five, but I lost the three so It was either give paul a cake with only a five on it which we were considering, but in the end Rosie made a three out of a beermat and we wedged it into the cake.

The cake was a bit of a disaster actually cause i got it from sainsburies and when I got it home it was upside down and all the icing was stuck to teh lid so i had to scrape all teh icing off and redecorate it. Which I thnk I kinda got away with, so instead of beinga pretty cake with balloons and presents all over it, it now had train tracks and spiders and bats all over it instead. hehehehe

The second band was the punk band we follow around and they dragged daddy up on stage to sing one of their songs which was really good cause he sounded really good, and everyone got up and danced to some of their songs which was really ace cause most people had never heard the band before and they're not the greatest musicians in the world but they have so much bubbly enthusiasm that yoo cant help but like them.

Daddys still in shock really. he still cant get over it and it makes me grin so much that I managed to pull something like this off. I absouletly suck at organising anything so im really shocked it all worked. Rosie and mel stayed over and I was just super happy and we ate lots of cake and choclate and crisps. but now its all over and I can finally relax. Its been very stressful at points and obviously I couldnt say anything to daddy bout it so had to sorta deal with it all on my own. Still even though it was really stressful and at a couple of points didnt look like it was going to happen. Im glad that it did and I would have done it all again even knowing the hassle it was. Cause seeing daddys expression was the bestest. But now i think im gonna give being a big girl a bit of a rest cause Organising stuff is hard work.

SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR!!!!!

2006-10-20T00:52:00.000+01:00

Me and daddy just got back from being in picadilly circus (thats a part of london) but before I tell yoo that

The skittles connondrum continues. befney sent me and daddy some american skittles to see if there were any green ones pretending to be red ones but instead what we found was as follows

1: The green ones did indeed have the occasional different center but we believe the center isnt red like the british skittles instead it is orange.

2: the orange skittles are also pretending to be green skittles.

So what exactly is going on. Different countries different defects. Also the purple skittles taste completely different in britain and actually all the usa skittle flavours taste bubblegummy/candy flavours rather than fruit. but thats ust mine and daddys personal opinion. Its weird how two supposededly identical products when yoo put an ocean between them suddenly change.

So again if anyone would like to shed some knowledge on what exactly is up with skittles its beginning to become a bit of an obsession here.

But anyway me and jane and emma leanne and daddy went to picadilly circus and jane took us to a wonderful harry potter pub called waxy oconners or something like that only I got about three steps through the door before the boucer collared me and asked me for id which i didnt have cause all my ID is living with the DVLA at the moment cause im trying to sort out my drivers lisence. anyway so we couldnt go in the pub but went to a burger bar instead and I drank 2 big strawberry milkshakes and the sugar was so thick that the straw stood up by itself. and i ate a huge burger and then we went bowling and daddy sucked but then he drank 3 beers and he was ace getting strike every time and stuff then he drank 3 and a half beers and he sucked again. Emma leanne was the super bestest but me and jane...well I fink we had a seperate competition going to see who wouldnt come last. unfortunately I came last both games we played but it was really close the last game, coming down to the final couple of rounds of pins. There was lots of coca cola there too so i was on a total sugar high (sally would be proud)

and me and emma played on those dance mat games the first time i totally totally sucked cause out of the four pads I could hit only one of them was working so we went on a different machine and I ROCKED!!!! *getting a big head* I have never been on those things before but it was really ace and a good way to burn off some of that sugar.
It was really lovely seeing jane and emma again I havent seen them since august at the camp I went to. We just caught up alot and it was nice and we should totally do tha more, not with just emma and jane but with people like rachel and amy and sally and just peopel I havent seen in a while. it was nice doing something with a boring weekday. Weekends are just impossible at the moment, but Also Jane gived daddy a book about trains for his birfday and gave me tonnes of candy and a cup and cute wetwipes...(Although im not sure about the wipes) and chocolate and I have been really lucky in the sugar department today, and friend department too come to think of it...actually im just plain lucky

Oh my gosh

2006-10-19T17:17:00.000+01:00

Today has been another dull day. i guess its cause I wanted it to hurry up and be the weekend cause weekends are ace, but i was at home at lunchtime trying to do a smidge of tidying up and then the postman came and he gived me a giant box and it was crammed full of so much stuff. It has like a kazillion sweeties in it all from america and some blankees which are amazingly soft and twinkies!!!! My dream will come true once daddy gets home to finally try a twinkie. I dont mind if theyre a dissapointment its been a life long ambition of mine and Im sooooo stoaked. *giggling knowing thats its kinda pathetic im getting excited over a confectionary* oh but theres candy sticks (remember like those candy cigarettes yoo used to get as a kid when smoking was accpetable) and a little kitty teddy that i've called brum. he just looks like a brum and just so much stuff I am feeling giddy. i fink even sally-jane would have a run for her money trying to eat all that sugar. And american skittles so we can test the green skittle theory...I will let yoo know about that once we have conducted our experiment and im just really really happy and excited and now I also know that befney reads this so fankyooo so incredibly much yoo've really truely made my day. I've got a awesome cool ace idea what to send yoo next. but its a secret, plus its gonna take a little while to get sorted but I'll do it and it'll be awesome so watch out for the postie in the not too distant future.

HALOWEEN

2006-10-18T23:10:00.000+01:00

It's almost here dontcha know and its one of my most favouritest times of year. I love doing up the house and dressing up. One year I went to a haloween disco as a vampire bunny (I made the bunny ears and got vampire teeth and everyone was a little confused and then at easter I made a bat costume and gave out easter eggs. I dunno why, it just seemed like a good idea) I always do the house up and scare the kids that come to the house. Daddy says I could probably get away with going trick or treating because im short. My fairy costume doesnt look like its gonna come before haloween which kinda makes me sad :( but i'll figure something out. I wanna be cute. I havent been feeling very cute recently. been feeling the exact opposite actually, but I guess that one day Im gonna be old right with wrinkles and im not gonna beable to get away with being young and when that time comes I better be secure within my own self and feelings about my little side or how am I gonna cope? Im lucky that im short and young looking now but im not stupid enough to think its gonna last forever

I got my wig today Its really long and very annoying trying to wear it Im not looking forward to the tube journey i'm probably gonna get it caught in every door between here and the place we're heading.

I was gonna try and speak today about something profound and intellectual but kinda forgot and lost my train of thought. It is kinda late huh...its like 11:15pm here right now, and im quite bored, but instead of going to bed im sitting here not saying very much....im sorry.

actually its 11:23 now. im sure i'll figure out something more interesting to say 2moro....im tired and soggy...thats two of the baby deadly sins...(the third being hungry..if all three occur then I can cry loads and be justified) actually last night I was being really naughty I dont know why but I was really pushing daddy to his limit. Ive been feeling incredibly stressed recently just a constant knot in my tummy and I have no idea why, but when I feel like that I (and daddy) have noticed that i tend to play up more, so even though I was tired daddy put me to bed early and put on the baby monitor but I payed up still and messed around tapping on the baby monitor. Ive never done that before so didnt realise quite how sensitive it was so even light tapping on it daddy could hear it quite clearly so came up the stairs and told me to settle down. When daddy says settle down for some reason that makes me all squiggly inside of me it makes me really happy and so the knot in my tummy went away and I fell asleep pretty quickly after that. I woke up when daddy came to bed but I was sprawled diagonally across the bed and daddy had to man handle me to where I needed to be, and being manhandled really makes me happy too it makes me feel super small and real and I was very woozy cause i was still half asleep. So i only remmeber sort of dreamily daddy chuckling at me and stroking my hair and holding me close and I felt so incredibly little and safe safe. You'd think being half asleep you'd feel quite vunerable, but i dont, not when daddys there

Wat to do

2006-10-17T20:23:00.000+01:00

today has been very much like a meh day. meh is a word im not sure i've used on my blog but I use it when I'm feeling like this. Lots of people use the word. its not one I made up. Its bascially a feeling of "Can't be bothered"
Daddy has already warned me that if I keep saying 'Whatever' im gonna go over his knee, so I better behave a little bit I guess....but today has been a meh day, nothing to do at work but i know 2moro is gonna be ridiclously busy but at least mr evil boss wasnt in today he was sick apprently.

Did I tell yoo all that my chii ears came in the post? Well they did. Chii? Shes an anime character im going as her for the convention in a couple of weeks with emma leanne and daddy. Its an anime called chobits. If yoo havent watched it yoo seriously must. Its excellent. one of my utter favourites along with fruits basket, orphen and neon genesis evangelion.
I must admit im really looking forward to the convention.

Theres lots of stuff im looking forward to. Thursday for example. im going out into london wiv daddy emma leanne and jane we're gonna do bowling and stuff and its gonna be good although I cant really bowl to save my life so I fink mebbe of getting bumpers. LOL
Then on saturday Rosies coming. Shes feeling a little sad at the moment so i wanted to cheer her up so she heard about a quiz we're going to so shes gonna come too. Then next weekend (the 28-29) thats the cosplay fingy plus on the sunday theres a punk festival fing that we're going to and then on the monday we've taken the day off so thats cool. then the weekend after that we're into november. the first weekend in november we're going to dee and adams for a haloween party and im totally looking forward to that and the friday nite theres a firework display and the sunday night theres a firework display so that weekend is gonna be ace...no wait...wicked awesome....thats the same as super ace.
And I want to just say GOOD LUCK RACHEL!!!! rachel is doing an exam on astro fizzics 2moro which sounds super stressful. but i'll be finking of her heaps and im sure she'll be just fine.

Safe

2006-10-16T18:51:00.000+01:00

I've spoken about this word a number of times in this old blog of mine, but its a very important word and its a very difficult word sometimes for me to understand. Safe is why I am an adult baby really I think, Safe is why I fell into the whole ageplay genre. Its a word that for quite alot of my life was lacking. It was only as I grew that I understood why I needed it and realised that I didnt have much.

I guess everyone wants to be comfortable in life its like a goal. To have a good roof over yoor head and food on the table and wealth to keep such things for the future. It all boils down to feeling secure. But I think safe goes a bit further than simply secure. Safe is when someone else is watching out for you, someone or something else is protecting you. Whether it be the arms of a loved one or a blanket over your head.

When I am being sammy, when Im fully there in headspace, Sammy likes to touch things and really soft things make her feel really safe, thats why my bunny (fish) and my elephant (flump) are so soft thats why I have more footed pjs and pajamas that the majority of the rest of my wardrobe.

As an army brat I never felt safe, my mother and father made me feel secure, in that there was always food on the table and that needs such as those were met. But feeling emotionally safe was another matter entirely. moving from place to place before I had had a chance to settle down and make friends, only left me feeling even more wary of making friends cause I was just going to lose them, but i would end up making friends anyway and lo and behold I would be taken someplace else to live or visa versa with them. I guess all army schools were like that. I guess thats why I became shy and withdrawn and just concentrated on studying, because then all I did was rely on myself.

Now its different. I have that sam security. A stable place to live food on the table and a stable relationship, but more than that security I feel safe. I have friends now and Im not scared of losing them. Sometimes I feel out of touch with them, but some people I might not speak to for over a month yet when we catch up its like we've never been apart. Its something i'm really not used to. Its not an insecurity as such, just sometimes its hard to relearn and reeducate how something is supposed to be.

I know reparenting is all about aspects of that. undoing past experiences that have in some way traumatised you, but at the same time i think traumatised is a bit too strong of a word for me. I mean yes it was sad and lonely losing friends time and time again but Im still here im alive. I dont want to relive through my past childhood. Then again having a daddy whose actually around and who makes me feel like im making him proud is something I have always craved. So in that aspect I guess I do wanna get something back that I never had, but other than that I think sammy is so young because of things like the softness of toys for that agegroup, being enclosed in places like cribs and playpens, being held really tight and close, even something about the soft thickness of nappies, they all just trigger emmense feelings of safeness for me. I simply want to live at that age where the world is magic and that everything can be made right with a gentle rocking "Shush its okay" I like finding utter glee in things like rainbows or snails or puddles of bubbles.

I like feeling safe....infact maybe you could say I'm addicted to it.

Happy birfday Daddy

2006-10-15T17:44:00.000+01:00

Its that day daddy. That day yoo apparently get older by a year, but really all yoo really do is get older by a day. 35 its really not that big a deal...what is it yoo say? Yoor only as old as the woman yoo feel, so yoor just tickity boo right? *giggling. I'm sorry we havent done much today. I promise in the not too distant future i'll make it up to yoo, but yoo just hafta wait for a little bit kay?

You really mean so much to me, and if I wrote why here it would take me hours. You dont seem to think yoor anything special and I guess thats part of why you are special. Yoor so kind, you go out of your way to help people and even do stuff you dont want to do just to help out friends and family. That day yoo chased that mugger I felt sooo incredibly proud and lucky to say "Hey I'm with him" even such things as yesterday helping that lady with her bags and sharing yoor music with me the other night. So many little things. The way yoo get all embarrassed and bashful about things and how when im having a bad day or ive got some crisis going on, the way yoo can rationally see things I dont.
Even on yoor grumpy days when things get you down I just hug yoo lots cause sometimes I cant help even though I want to, but im always there to listen.

Yoo showed me something very special and things I never thought I would never feel. You make me feel like its okay to be who I am and want what I want.

You make me feel like the luckiest girl in the whole universe and to sammy you are her universe. I love the way you grin at her with yoor eyebrows raised really high and when you use that sing songy voice when you talk to her. I love the hugs and cuddles and the way you play aeroplane when shes sitting on yoor lap.

both me and sammy...we just want to make you proud. I dont like being a bad girl...well sometimes I enjoy being mischievious...but being good and yoo being proud of me is like a serious goal of mine. I just want to make you happy and I hope that I do and that yoo can tell me anything and well...I guess I just hope that we're together forever cause I really love yoo I really really do.

lovely days

2006-10-14T18:42:00.000+01:00

Ive had some really lovely days the past couple of days. thursday night me and daddy went to the pub (like we do quite alot) and it closes at midnite on a thursday so we stayed till we got kicked out and stumbled home and then daddy shared some music with me and why he liked it, and he probably doesnt realise but sharing his most favourite songs with me really made me love him sooooo much like my heart was bursting with just sheer contentment and happiness cause he gets quite shy but he has a really good singing voice so I like listening to him sing but he only really sings when he thinks im not paying attention but thursday night he knew I was listening and he sung and it was good.
Then after work on friday I got on a tube train and went to stratford for rosies housewarming party. That was really good too and I got very drunk again...oops 2 nites in a row what a drunken slob huh .... :( but Daddy got even more drunker cause he got forced to do shots and stuff and thats not really daddys fing at all cause he drinks proper ales like hobgoblin and bitters like brakspear not gin mixed with vodka and sambucca...or however it is yoo spell zambucca? ....so he was quite ill so poor daddy. Rosie was ace as usual and we ended up with a traffic cone and a grass shrub thing someone had rescued from a nearby garden, so me and rosie planted it in her back garden and got very muddy.
Then this afternoon me and daddy wandered into camden and WOWOWOWOW how lucky am I like seriously seriously lucky, not only have i managed to find my cosplay outfit for the cosplay convention coming up but I also got a second very cute dress for 10 pounds and 2 skirts for 30 poundd (they both have very very babyish prints on them although one of the skirts I wouldnt dare wear outside cause you can see nappy showing no matter how far down yoo pull the skirt, but its still cute for wearing indoors or for wearing to places like camps or around AB aware people) And I got a pair of pink very babyish shoes too so I feel very spoilt and lucky and I love camden so much. And the lady who sold me the skirts was very keen to know where I got the fraggle rock t0shirt I was wearing and the black patent t-bar shoes I was wearing. I think she makes the skirts herself and they've all got stuff like fireman sam and the tweenies and stuff on them so I think shes most defeintly got an inner kid cause she was complaining her feet were too small to get into the cute shoes I had and stuff like that. So I think even if shes not aware of the little girl community, she certainly is one. I wanna go back there and speak to her some more, try and sound her out.

Anyway thats been my past few days, and now I hafta go to oxford to hve a meal with daddys parents. Daddys parents are very ace, speaking to his dad I can see where daddy gets his sence of humor and just plain weirdness from and his mum is really lovely and kind. They're wonderful people I like them heaps. I remember being really nervous the first time I met them but they put me at ease really quickly.

Tomoro is daddys birfday I still havent wrapped his present but I'll do that when I get home and I wanna tidy the house when I get home too so that the house is tidy 2moro so daddy can just relax and have a lovely day like the ones hes given me.

dont know

2006-10-12T17:22:00.000+01:00

Theres lots of fings I dont know...and today I dont know what to blog about. I've been trying to think of what to write about alll day, and I can't come up with a single thing. Well thats not true I was gonna talk about nappies actually and cheese and life and work and the weekend, but none of it really seems to have stuck. It feels like theres something really important im supposed to say but I cant figure it out, but it feels like I knew what it was, only that i've forgotten. And that niggly feeling of forgetting something seems to be getting to me but it'll turn out I havent forgotten anything.

I get that feeling sometimes and it makes it hard for me to concentrate on anything else other than the thing im supposed to be remembering that doesnt exist. Or like Im supposed to be doing something important or have yet to realise my full potential, in a very sci-fi sorta way or harry potter sorta way when yoor just a mundane nobody until something extraordinary happens and you're thrust into a completely different kettle of fish. (actually what is a kettle of fish? I dont think boiling fish for yoor morning coffee would really work...although it would give you more than your daily recommended allowance of omega 3 oils)

When I was a teenager I didnt go through stereotypical teenagerdom. Instead, I had managed to convince myself I was actually an alien and my parents werent really my parents and my sisters werent really my sisters and that any day now I would be rescued and not have to live the life I was leading. Wishful thinking I guess...needless to say I wasnt rescued....im not even sure why I brought that up....Oh because of the whole I want something harry-potter esq to happen to me. To suddenly discover I have magic or mutant powers
(if i was gonna have any kind of power it would be the ability to turn into electricity and control electrical appliances and travel through the internet...lol betcha yoo were thinking I was gonna say I would have the power to regress. Yeah that'd be cool too but....actually...there isnt really a but. That would be a cool power, then daddy would beable to pick me up and id be able to fit in lots of really cute clothes and have nappies with sesame street characters on them and stuff...but anyway getting sidetracked into daydreams now).....no still being sidetracked......no......ah okay...on with the blog.

I guess nothing actually magic is ever gonna actually happen to me, but stuff is still good. I mean if the world was magic and stuff what would we do for escapism? read novels about accountancy and a world non-magic? Sci-fi programs would be just another typical reality tv program.

Anyway im really confusing today sorry....and i didnt talk about cheese or nappies...ah well...mebbe tomoro

Customisation

2006-10-11T17:50:00.000+01:00

A big word for a title dontcha fink?

I wanna talk to you about that word today. its what enthralls me about Role playing games like final fantasy and World of warcraft etc. The fact that yoo can make your little character unique. We're all humans but were all unique each person has completely different perspectives. I mean sure we all have different fingerprints, but thats not really what im talking about in making each one of us unique. Even things like build and hair colour thats not really that important. But choices and words we use thats what make us unique. What i chose to wear or what I chose to say or what I involuntarily think. Thats what makes me different, thats what makes everyone different I think. I like customising characters in computer games to represent me. its quite hard. but i feel like i give my little pixel person a bit of my character if they look like me. thats what the pictures are about. I found the drawing and used that as my avatar for a loooong time and one day daddy was taking pictures and told me to look up and took a pic very similar to my avatar. I quite like it.

Yetsready I didnt blog....I always type yetsready instead of yesterday, grrr....why dont i go back and delete it well then the last sentence would just be wasted if I deleted yetsready so im gonna leave it there...anyway back to what I was saying.....yesterday I didnt blog. I was in a bad place mentally due to it mainly being louises birthday. I miss her quite alot, not in a partner sorta way cause I would never swap daddy for anyone, and even if I could redo what happened last year I would make the same choice and be where I am now but i miss her friendship. I miss some of the bizarre thinsg she would say and do and well I just hope that whereever she is shes happy and safe cause thats all I ever wanted for her. But yeah so yesterday I was quite a good deal low, daddy came home and he hugged me and we eated chish and fips.....(thats what we call fish and chips for some reason...I dunno how that started we just call them that) And I felt much better and we hugged even more at bedtime and that was really good too.

I went to the doctors yesterday too...(was really slow in typing yesterday that time so I got it right) and the doctor lady did a few quite icky and sore tests on me so I felt painful for a while and just grumpy in general cause I dont like doctors and I dont like having things shoved places theyre not supposed to go. So yuk yuk yuk. the doctor is referring me to some specialist people so hopefully they can fix whats wrong and then things'll be good.

But on friday rosie is having her housewarming party which is ace so I getta see her again and then saturday we get to go to camden to shop for pretty things and then saturday evening getting to see daddys parents someplace near oxford and then sunday is daddys birfday so its a packed weekend this weekend...although I dont actually have anyfing planned for daddys birfday day, but whatever he wants to do we can do. and one of the presents ive been trying to get him still hasnt come and its been almost 4 weeks now so Im getting stressed over that quite a bit :(

Anyway better go :)

hiding

2006-10-09T17:26:00.000+01:00

I didnt post yesterday. I didnt post today either until just now. I havent ben feeling very inventive i'm afraid, my past few posts have been quite reflective etc and so has drained all my creativity I fink. I dunno....either that or i'm tried which is prolly alot more likely.

I got a new playstation game and its taken up most of my free time. it wont last long im practically a third of te way through it already so just bear with me, i'll prolly have it finished by the end of the week. its called kingdom hearts 2 and ive been waiting to play it for about 2 and half years I reckon. its been well worth the wait. its a disney game mixed in with final fantasy. I really like the plot. its not a case of being spoonfed some over the top cutesy stuff. its quite a twisted and dark plot which is what i've come to expect from the final fantasy mob, but all the characters have been disneyfied with big feet and just more animated I guess.
It feels strange playing such a monumental game as well as havinga full time job. before I moved in with daddy i didnt have a job and so whenever a really important game came out I would just barracade myself in the house and play it non stop until it was done or until I began having hallucinations from sleep deprivation and have to call it a night. So balancing a game like kingdom hearts 2 with a job and still giving time to daddy without him feeling widowed because of some pixels, its quite a hard balance to get. If he feels left out im sure he would tell me to switch it off. the last thing i wanna do is make him feel sad.
I am quite a geek you know. Well if you've been reading this you probably do know, cause ive mentioned before my table top rpging and the computer games...but I do have one other secret shame to admit.....Scrabble. yeah thats right scrabble. I dont play the game anymore due to horrific circumstances that happened when I was 15-16, where at school i was forced to play, and made to learn all the offical 2 letter words in the offical scrabble dictionary and then I was shipped off to london to compete in the national under 16s scrabble championships with louise...and do you know what...as a team...we came 2nd. You should have seen the size of the trophy its still at my old school even to this day, the biggest trophy in the trophy cabinet and that was only 2nd place. louise won overall champion and we would have come first as a team if it wasnt for me and one stupid letter X. Ah well, guess i should have learnt those 2 letter words a bit better.

I also used to be a member of the chess club, partially because I really liked the teacher who ran the club, partially so I could hide from the bullies during lunch break and partially cause I wanted to play the game. My dad occasionally let me play against him and because he could win easily against me he stopped playing against me, so I went to chess club so I could get better and beat my father.....LOL that sounds like some corny tom cruise movie. In the end I did get better and my dad found it muc more challenging to play me. I cant remember beating him though, even though I may have done. I could beat him at stratego. Thats an ace game.

I also used to be in the debating team...oh yes and by this point I did have braces on my teeth and I did wear glasses, and I was fat. I was very much stereotypical geekdom. and I wonder why i was picked on. I was a bit naff at debating but public speaking I could do pretty well. I went to all sorts of competitions etc. talked about alot of stuff that interested me, like the existence of extraterrestrials and robotics and the futility of huamnkind. I quite liked all that stuff. It was all just pretend. Im very shy in real life talking to people I dont know, but for some reason standing infront of an audience like that I felt nervous but not scared. they didnt know me so I could pretend for just those five minutes when everyones listening to me that I was someone who was brave and confident. It was kinda an ego boost.

Anyway, for someone who wasnt inspired to write today, i've certainly waffled on a bit.

Oh the train stuff went well, I was quite bored but on the saturday we rubbed a train (not daddys one) down with sandpaper and on the sunday I measured all the letters on the train while daddy helped move the railway track so the train (daddys) could be someplace close to the one we were rubbing down. I must admit it was quite dull and very tiring, but I was happy just to be with daddy. We didnt go to camden in the end cause we both opted to ust go home and sleep, which was good. But camden is gonna happen next saturday. so yay yay yay.

Oh and the picture at the top, for some reason makes me fink of me. I dunno why, perhaps its just cause the kid is being silly or is rummaging around in the bin, probably getting smelly and dirty. I dunno I just like it.

Memories

2006-10-07T07:21:00.000+01:00

I've been reflecting again...not in that shiny sparkly way mirrors do, but as in looking inside myself and doing alot of reminiscing. I guess this time of year will always be like that as its louises birthday on the 10th and I kinda wonder what shes up to and if shes healthy and happy.
I was thinking about photographs, daddy takes alot of photographs hes got a website (and several hidden ones) of all the photos hes taken and theres well over 10,000. I know that should me and daddy ever go our seperate ways then I woul have pictures to remember the good times.
When me and louise split up she kept all the photos saying she would get copies of them. I never saw them and somedays that really really hurts. I mean she asked for presents she had given me back, even xmas presents her mum had given me, and so I handed over the special pokemon edition gameboy, and the mac Ibook and well..anything really that she wanted she got, her point being that now she was alone all she had was stuff. I kept asking and asking for a copy of the photos and I never ever got them, and now im scared that i've been forgetting good things, like holidays we had up near elgin and places we visited. Theres a wonderful picture of me with my youngest sister amanda at a park called storybook glen that I was thinking about yesterday and I realised its in louises collection of photos and not my own. theres quite a few family photos that were in the collection. I wonder if mebbe shes burned all the pictures. Part of me feels she wouldnt do such a thing, photographs are irreplaceable but part of me thinks that shes not the same person I knew inside and out, so im not sure what she could have done. That makes me sad.

Memories are important, in relationships that dont work its important to not just dwell on the negative stuff afterwards, sure me and weeg had our differences and in the end it resulted in a pretty horrible break up, but we were friends for so long and had quite a lot of laughs along the way and its important to give the good times just as much thought as the bad. I worry that sometimes she doesnt see things like that and will just reflect on the bad stuff even though the bad stuff only really happened within the last 6-12 months of our twelve year friendship.

I was speaking to my friend eric last night down the pub, hes 51 and has seen and done alot with his life but he was explaining to me how he was going to die alone because he couldnt bring his heart to trust another female after the last one 15 years ago broke his heart. That made me soo sad I really just wanted to hug him, but being him and being in a busy pub, it wasnt really appropriate. But the girl who broke his heart...well she probably has kids and a husband and a life now, and I wonder if she ever thinks about eric and I wonder if she ever thinks of the good times they had together. No matter what happens in the future. I will always treasure the memories me and daddy have built together over the past year. So much stuff has happened so many things have been done that never in a million years I ever dreamed of doing, hotair balloon rides, amsterdam, prague, meeting so many new friends at camps and places. My life is so dramatically different compared to when lived in aberdeen that its really crazy to compare the two.

Anyway today and 2moro me and daddy are in london helping to make a train look pretty and to lay some railtrack. If im lucky i'll get a shot on the circular saw that cuts the track. That sounds pretty awesome, afterwards daddy has said we can go to camden market and I can drool over lots of cool clothing. i havent been into london shopping since xmas last year which is crazy when you think about how close we live to london.

I'm going to end on a poem today.

What is music? Leaves on a breeze.
Birdsong consuming the air that we breathe.
The sound of laughter, of children at play
The colours of dusk at the end of each day.

What is happiness? Eternal love
peace and goodwill, snow white turtle doves
heart shaped balloons, icecream and cake
new born babies smiling, swans on a lake.

What is hate? Conflict with guns
being shadowed forever from the light of the sun
Fighting and killing, shouting and dying
friends torn apart, little girls crying

But what is life? Guns on a breeze
Shouting consuming the peace that we breathe
Fighting and icecream, cursing and cake.
New born babies crying, swans on a lake.

its something I wrote along time ago basically the point i'm trying to get across is that no matter how hard and difficult life is, theres always hope at the end.....oh and music doesnt hafta be something you hear, the amount of people who tell me that the first verse doesnt make sence, but to me music is something you feel not something you hear. I just like the imagery of no matter what life throws at you, the swans will always remain together. True love always prevails...always.

SKITTLES!!!

2006-10-05T17:30:00.000+01:00

OH MY GOD I cant believe I havent told you guys this already. i'm sure I must have done. but when I searched my blog for the word skittles it turns out no results so I assume I havent told you...anyway...You know skittles... Taste the rainbow. Well they have a defect that daddy discovered months and months ago. he bought a pack of skittles in london and when he ate the green ones some of them tasted like the red ones and sure enough if yoo bite the green ones in half sometimes theyre really red ones in disguise. Thinking this just a fluke packet, daddy then went and bought a second pack and sure enough some of the green ones in that pack were also really red ones in disguise. Well we've bought skittles all over the place now and even bought a pack today in our home town and sure enough there was one green one that was really a red one. how does this happen? why does this happen? I'm intrigued. its one of those mysteries that needs solving. If anyone knows of anyone in the skittle making buisness please direct them to me.

Skittles are nice, but me personally I like cadburys buttons (which yoo hold in yoor hand until they melt) , which reminds me hafta send another parcel to befney in america cause poor americans dont get cadburys chocolate. How awful is that. We should each befriend an amaerican and send them a flake or a caramel or something. Yet they have twinkies and ive always wanted to try one of those. its actually an ambition of mine. how pathetic is that. Ever since there was a little american kid at my school whose mum used to put all sorts of strange things in his packed lunch box (incidentally my packed lunch box was of the getalong gang and then later was my little pony. I love the smell of packed lunch boxes and the little flasks that came with them, I dont know why)
But anyway back to me talking about chocolate. I dont actually even know what a twinkie is but they sound super tastey and so many americans talk about them that one day I must try one.
But as a kid I didnt get many sweets My family was super poor when I hit the age of 8...before that we were really quite well off cause my dad was in the army as a paratrooper, but when he left the army things went really downhill really fast and so on the occasions my mum did give me money for sweets to take to school I would go to our little village shop and look at the sweets (back then..about 1990/93... a mars bar was about 25p and I had 50p) and I quickly came to the conclusion that I could either buy one sweet or like 6 carrots. So I would buy carrots cause then I would be filled up. There were points in my childhood where my family couldnt even afford lunches for school or even bread to make packed lunches, but that was okay, cause while everyone else was eating in the school hall I would have the entire playground to myself which was quite good cause I would imagine going on really cool adventures and stuff. Not having money kinda made me realise whats really important and not having toys taught me how to make my own entertainment.
Nowadays my money situation is alot different I kinda learned how not to make the same mistakes my parents made...and keep making....but anyway enough of my harddoneby story. i wasnt really that hard done by I mean I was a healthy kid and got good grades etc so it could have been tougher. I think the next sister down had it the hardest. Lisa. I worry about her so much. Emma and amanda were okay they
were too young to remember when we were well off so they didnt know what they were missing. But lisa went through a "Why cant I have what I want anymore?" phase.
Sometimes instead of buying bread mum would buy flour and eggs and things to make bread with and so she could make a range of stuff like little cupcakes and donuts and things and so the money would go further. then I could swap my mums cupcakes and stuff for other things at school. I remember having to wash my hair with vinegar and eggs cause we didnt have any soap or shampoo. LOL. How things have changed.

Wow im totally reminiscing here sorry...didnt mean to bore you. I dunno where any of that even came from....back to sweets...I really love marshmellows and I really love flying saucers. (yoo know those sherbert rice paper things) I love choc dippers and sherbert dib dabs. I cant remember what they were called but there was this other sherbert thing where you had like a foam banana and one side of the pack was strawberry sherbert and one side of the pack was banana sherbert or something. I think mebbe they were called double dips? My aunty used to send me those in the post along with the beano or dandy. Oh and opal fruits...(no theyre not starburst they never will be starburst) And I still love kinder eggs. (although the toy is not suitable for small children so I tend not to get many kinder eggs. I dont like liquorish I really really hate annaseed but I remember eating those sherbert liquorish things as a kid if only to suck the liquorish to then get really sticky and get it all over me. Most of those sweets are still around today if you know where to look for them. Curly wurlys are great too and love hearts (although theyve lost some of their appeal now they have stupid messages like email me) Anyway. I really need a sugar fix now. So to reiterate my main point for this post....

Go find skittles I need people to tell me if they find red ones pretending to be green ones.

More Than grumbling

2006-10-04T17:46:00.000+01:00

I've got a clever title for my blog today, you'll understand why in a second. First off I wanted to say Fankyoo to everyone for september. It was the highest amount of people to ever look at my blog and that makes me feel kinda special that so many people would bother to read what I've read. I feel like i've made some very special friends by writing here. Jane and Narxn, Maya and priss even william and rachel. I know i've known most of you from other places, but for some reason sharing some of my life with yoo all kinda makes me feel closer to you. But anyway back to my grumbling.

Do you remember about 2 months ago me and daddy were in a car crash. And that the people who hit us sped off and didnt stop. Well daddy sorted his car out the insurance company (More than...and now yoo see the cleverness in my blog title)paid him some money and everything was fine. until today. Daddy got a letter through the post saying the other party suddenly has an independant witness and that apparently theyre saying something else different. how could the other party have an independant witness? they didnt even stop. Its clear theyve just gotten one of their mates in on the scam and that really makes me so incredibly angry that not only would they hit the car speed off and not even check to see if we were okay but now theyre gonna try and lie and stuff and because noone would help daddy and noone would be our witness its now just our word against theirs but they have this miraculous independant witness so they have the leverage and can say whatever they want and it makes me soooooooo angry.

Some people are just scum you know. What possesses people to be mean and lie like that? i'm sick of some people you know. It makes me ashamed to be human. So now poor daddy is super stressed and I dunno how to make him feel less stressed cause theres not very much I can do at all.

Work stressed me out oober much this afternoon lots of stuff went wrong and I seemed to get the blame even though it was the machines fault. Im torn between job loyalty and finding myself a new job. They've really bent over backwards for me, tried to make me happy and are really sympathetic and understanding to a large extent, I enjoy being with some of the people at work. but at the same time I want to do something more with my life. I feel guilty looking for another job, because theyre so understaffed and are trying to hold onto those of us who have been there longer than a year. I dunno I dont see me being there much longer. mebbe i'll go back to school and learn something worthwhile. Dunno what though.
Guess I should get myself a life plan. Other than being with daddy though I dont feel like I need much of a life plan. But thats kinda dangerous I guess. I mean I did that when I was with louise. I thought so long as louise was with me then nothing else mattered I was sure we'd be together forever that I didnt really take hold of my life and do what I wanted to do with it. So I should probably really sit and think about what im going to do with my life, cause if daddy decides he doesnt want me then my whole world would fall apart. I never thought I would beable to feel as much love for someone as much as I loved louise. I'm so glad I was wrong. I was seriously wrong. My heart feels so light nowadays and I really love my life and its mainly due to Paul (thats daddys real name) You see hes not just daddy hes my partner too and thats super special. My little side is super happy, daddy is wonderful, he is god to sammy, everything he says is the truth and law and he can do no wrong. Paul is just a man. I know he has faults I know he has bad days, but i love him through his huffs and bad days. He makes mistakes and I know this and that makes me love him even more. I think about how we got together about all the crazy circumstances that forced us to live in the same house as friends. I was speaking to my friend bethany and she made me realise that the one person I really cant stand is the one I have to thank for everything. Without her lies and manipulation skills I wouldnt be where I am today.
I am blessed. I truely am.

Silly

2006-10-03T15:12:00.000+01:00

I bet yoor wondering what on earth is going on? Why has sammy, usually such a sweet and lovely girl, posting stupid pictures of pylons? Well yoo see, me and daddy have adopted this type of pylon cause they look odd. They look like theyre wearing a chinese hat kinda like the one samarai Jack wears. And so whenever we're out driving or going by train or something we always try and spot these chinese pylons. I dunno why we do it or even how it all started but its just one of those quirks couples have. Its kinda like the spreading mini haha virus. If you see a mini you hafta be the first one to say mini haha then you get a point. The one with the most points wins. If you get three minis close in a row you say mini haha mini hahah mini haha italian job. And that gets you even more points. If you say mini haha and its not a mini you deduct a point and old style minis get you half a point extra. Some days I win some days daddy wins, some days daddy thrashes me at the game so badly that he coughs when theres a mini coming so i know to say mini haha. He's nice like that. We have lots of little things we do together, little mannerisms that only we know about. in-jokes and memories that we have together that noone else knows. It makes me feel warm and happy inside when I think of those things.

I'm skiving off of work today. I still do feel kauky...thats a scottish word I believe for feeling sick, pronounced cow-key.....but not to the point where I stayed at home. Still ive done some work on daddys birfday present and ive done some other work like washing clothes and tidying bits and bobs up.

The other night me and daddy snuggled up on the sofa together and watched the top 100 cartoons of all time. I must admit I was shocked at some of the cartoons that were in there but lack of some others. Admittedly we only came in at 76 or something like that so we missed...what....*does quick mental arithmetic*....24 cartoons, but even so clangers and jamie and the magic torch should have been much higher than the 70s if they were even there at all, and thundercats were at 56 or something ridiculous instead of being in the top 20 I didnt see jayce and the wheeled warriors. yet things like Urutsukodoji legend of the overfiend was in there and fritz the cat and I just felt a bit gypped. So heres sammys top ten all time favourite cartoons, anyone got a problem with them...well see me after class

10.Dogtanian and the three musketeers
9. Xmen the original 90's series although Xmen evolution is pretty cool
8. Powerpuff girls
7. Uylesses 31
6. Dungeons and dragons
5. Button moon
4. fingerbobs
3. Peppa pig
2. Samurai Jack
1. Thunder thunder thunder thunder cats HO! Although what was with his sight beyond sight with the sword of omens? Quite alot of the time he would be standing right beside what he was asking the sword to show him

Looking at that list I realise that only 3 of those are present day cartoons. guess im more of a nostalgia fan than anything else. That list is definetely a sam list and not a sammy list, sammys list would be quite a bit different..for a start she can only count to six.

6. blues clues
5. bear in the big blue house
4. fingerbobs
3. button moon
2. something special
1. Peppa pig

In fairness sammy doesnt watch that much tv. Although the boobahs scare both adult and baby me. their eyes are just freaky and I cant stand dora the explorer to save my life. I kinda just wanna hurt her and throw that little monkeys boots into a river or something. I know thats pretty evil of me but thats how much I dislike her.

Oh and anyway...the reason why I was mentioning the program me and daddy watched at all was because when me and daddy was watching it one of the entrants was captain pugwash and during the weekend at the AB party I went to we got to talking about captain pugwash and how dirty some of the names were, but on the program me and daddy watched the creators and producers and such of captain pugwash were interviewed and they said there was no such character as master bates there was a master mates which sounded simliar, and there was no roger the cabin boy it was tom the cabin boy and no seaman stains. It was clearly all just people being filthy minded. So I just wanted to clear up that little urban myth.

Oh and as yoo can see I kinda added a little slideshow thingumy going on by the side there. All the pics on it have been pics ive used in my blog at one stage or another. and obviously theres a new title pic. It needed a bit of an update

Anyway hugs to you all im gonna shut up cause im totally in the mood to just keep typing and typing and typing and typing and typing and.....well you get the idea

Parties nappies and hugs

2006-10-02T12:50:00.000+01:00

The weekend was ace.

nuff said...the end....

Laffing...okay okay...so you wanna hear bout what we did? Well. Me and daddy went to an AB birfday party. We got to go on a train and on the way up I drew some pictures and looked out the window and had fun being sammy while daddy was watching out for me.

We got off the train and got to the house and everyone was already kinda there. There was baby amanda with her daddy and muppetbaby with her daddy and dee and adam. I had met amanda and dee before but hadnt met muppetbaby she was ace. I liked her she was funny. We talked alot about a number of things, past experiences with being AB discussed things like would we tell our family and friends and things like that. We watched dee being on TV talking about how bad bullying is and we watched adam on the trisha show talking about Adult babies. (I fink he was really brave) There was cake there and angel delight and tonnes and tonnes of party food, and there were balloons (which i didnt know scared dee so I kinda thought it was a shame on her that balloons had gotten put up) and we all sang happy birfday to muppetbaby and gave her presents and stuff. We played with playdoh and a shape sorter and dominos. it was all really ace. Then it was time to sleep and me and amanda slept in the playpen.
It was very comfy but when I woke up the next day daddy and the others had managed to take down the playpen around me and then had put loads of toys and quilts ontop of me so I could barely move. I woke up and didnt know what was going on. Then after a little while of playing and talking a bit more me and daddy had to go home. So we said goodbye and got back on the train. On the way back We got to sit at a table and I coloured in some pictures and pointed at stuff out the window and even snoozed on daddy a little bit, and the train was quite busy but daddy got a nappy outta our bag and took me by the hand and changed me in the train toilets. It was kinda embarrassing but in a good way, it made me feel really small and real. When we got back to our seats the man opposite us asked daddy if I was his daughter and daddy said yes, but the man didnt ask anymore questions even though you could tell he wanted to. *giggling*
I really like dee tonnes and tonnes theres only 3 people I feel I can properly talk to, rosie daddy and dee. Shes got one of the biggest hearts i've ever known. It was ace talking to her again properly face to face.

And now im back home but im off work cause I kinda ate bad stuff yesterday that I thought I only needed one tablespoon of, but then when it didnt work I kinda ate like half a bottle of the stuff and then it worked tooo good, so I thought it prolly best not to go to work incase I have a very bad accident...bluergh. Its my own fault...again...

Oh and for those of you who were wondering about my friend bethany who was really like super sick in hopsikle...well shes still super sick but shes slowly getting better so YAY...keep sending her lots of get well wishes kay cause I fink theyre working.

I was speaking to priss today, and do you know what she said? She said "your a lucky little girl, blessed is probably more appropriate" I always call myself lucky, but you know what. Blessed is definetly a better word to use. Daddy has been so wonderful this weekend...well hes wonderful most of the time. But he just makes me feel like its okay to be me and its okay to want what I want. I love him soo much that I just feel incomplete when hes not around. you know that book "Guess how much I love you?" Well to the moon and back really isnt far enough

icky

2006-09-29T17:14:00.000+01:00

Oh deer.....I got sick. I've been off all day, mostly snoozing trying to get rid of my flick flaking somersaulting tummy and stuffed up head. Its not good. Me and daddy both fink I got it from putting things in my mouth when I was at the softplay center on wednesday. I shouldnt have put the ball pool balls in my mouth huh. Special seen as god knows how many other kids had done the same thing. I cant help it though. When im being true 100 percent sammy she puts anything in her mouth regardless of what it is.

I wanna say fankyoo to heva. Heva showed me a site I didnt know existed and its got some really cool ideas and cute pictures on it. i've put a link to it down the side age regression site its there too if yoo cant be bothered finding it down the side LOL

Im going away 2moro hopefully if im okay, so i wont be writing here till sunday kay? I'm not feeling particularly imaginative today I apologise....oh but im writing a halloween AB story for a competition on AB playaway its kinda going alright at the moment. I'm sure i'll stuff it up. I wrote a story a long time ago now, which was kinda naff really, but I enjoyed writing it at the time. mebbe i'll post it up here at some point. its called my perfect day and its about me and my daddy. its quite corny...actually its very corny.

Anyway also I fink my map fingy is broken, today it says that yesterday there were no hits to the site, which I know must be wrong cause Mary wrote in my tagbox so she at least must have visited the site. Also I accidentally discovered if you put ageplay into yahoo.co.uk and search for just uk sites...this blog kinda pops up as choice number 5. Thats kinda cool but kinda scarey too. Thats why im carefl not to say certain words like the name of my work or the bands that we follow and things like that.
Its a shame i hafta be guarded to a certain extent, I mean I fink we can all probably agree that im not the most closet cased individual. i could probably do with being a bit more careful than I already am being. I prolly shouldnt put pictures up of me but theres enough of them floating around the internet that one more isnt really gonna make a difference. That damage was done years ago when i was much much more niaver...okay now I know thats not a word....

Do you wanna hear a really disgusting story about when I was about 15. This is very adult though so im warning you, but I want to show yoo how niave I honestly used to be.

My parents taught me as a kid that condoms were balloons. my dad found it hilarious to blow them up and let us play with them. now theres no harm in that, only that when I was about 14-15 I was walking through a park with my sisters to my grans house when we found a "balloon" I blew it up like my parents had shown me and took it home to grandmas house with us.

The look of horror on my parents face when we walked through into the kitchen with this thing in my hands. My mouth got washed out with all sorts of dissinfectant and I was shouted at alot. But I was confused. Wasnt my fault. Dunno why i thought id share that with you. I mean its funny now, ust remembering my mum dad and gran sipping afternoon tea and me coming in with this thing we'd found at the base of a tree. Ewwwwww. now im feeling icky again. lesson learned...dont put things in your mouth.

Yesterday today and tomoro

2006-09-28T17:50:00.000+01:00

yesterday was ace...well work wise it was pretty dire, but I'm not gonna talk about that. After work daddy got me dressed in sammy clothes and took me out in the car and we went to a soft play centre. There were slides and climbing things and a couple of ballpools and a bit that was super padded and full of bright coloured blocks. I didnt really run around that much. I kinda just sat in the ball pool and chewed on some balls and crawled around the soft play area and played with all the blocks. There were lots of other kids there screaming and tearing around the place which kinda intimidated me a bit so I kinda hid from them all and happily amused myself while daddy sat on the outside and kept an eye on me and talked to some of the other parents. I felt very real there even though I was super scared. All the adults talked to me as if I really was a baby and thats something I havent really exprienced before. They would all talk over my head as if I couldnt understand what they were saying and ask daddy stuff like "Do you think shes having a good time?" And then then would look at me and say "Are you having a good time, Are you? Do you like the pretty blocks" in that singsongy way adults speak to very small children.

I kinda feel a bit bad for going cause it was meant to be for disabled children so people there just assumed i was mentally not there. I dont like lying to people. But it was a free for all. I mean there were perfectly capable children there too all mingling with the disbaled children, and I made some friends and a couple of kids kept playing with me which was nice and we all had fun. If I could do it again I certainly would. And I hope I do get to go back there at some point. Daddy was there to protect me the whole time and another one of the adults seemed to have taken a shine to me and kept an eye on me too. Im still not very good at interacting with people, but even though I was really scared eventually I just fell into sammy mode and kinda shut everything else out. I took fish with me and hid behind him quite a bit, and some of the grown ups kept saying stuff like "ooooh whose that you've got there sammy" And I would just grin and say "Fish" and they would just look confused and then daddy would have to explain.
It was really nice, but with it comes guilt to a certain extent. i'm clearly not disabled and im not 17 (as daddy told them I was so we could play there) but even though I feel bad. I know I would do it again.

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Also today Jack quit at work, Simon quit too and we got 2 new people started yesterday. the whole place is getting ridiculous cause ive been there a year next week and already im one of the old timers. Out of a staff of about 30 6 of us (thats including me) have been there since I started, the rest are all new. It feels strange. how can a company change so much in one year and still stay standing. i've been put in charge of writing up a template for teaching everyone standard testing so that everyone is taught the same. I think that should have been done from the outset but hey. im not one to argue.

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tomoro...well tomoro daddys doing lighting for a theatre show. i kinda helped him in the beginning but hes only doing the show for one night so he hasta show the other boy what to press and stuff for the other night that daddys not doing the show, so I've deliberately taken a backstep from pressing buttons and stuff just so daddy can show adam more.

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Then its the weekend and guess what that means. We're going up to see friends in liverpool again and its gonna be so awesome. its a birfday party and I'm really excited. Its been a fullpacked week for sammy, first telling the doctor about my incontinence issue (I got prescribed tolterodine which just basically dries you up on the inside so you dont haf accidents...bleugh) then yesterday at the playcentre and then the weekend having a party. I'm a super lucky girl

Proud

2006-09-26T20:33:00.000+01:00

Daddy says hes proud of me. i went to the doctors today mainly about my hearing. the doctor was super nice and she looked in my ears and couldnt see anything wrong so is referring me to a specilist, which makes me feel nervous and scared cause it means im gonna hafta go to hopsikle. *shudders*....but while I was there I also mentioned teh fact id been wetting the bed since for ages, and that i was having accidents during the daytime and stuff so I finally did it and so I guess thats why I was brave. It wasnt as scary as I thougt it was gonna be. the doctor was a really nice lady.

I'm in the middle of dying my hair so I shouldnt really be writing this.

I remember the first person I ever told about my AB/DL tendencies. I was 13 at the time and her name was stacy. She was my best friend at the time and I told her. i dunno what possessed me to. I guess I just wanted to be accepted for who I was, even way back then when I was trying hard to ignor it all. Anyway I told her and she just laughed at me. We were still friends for a while but she would bring it up and embarrass me about it. That really confirmed for me that I was a freak and really made me just hide my innerkid for years.

but....I guess eventually I decided to trust someone else. Some people I speak to have been burnt once and just stopped trying to find someone to share their interests in. But thats silly right. I mean sure it means you'll never hurt your heart again but at the same time you'll never realise your hearts full potential either. Its okay to get hurt, but its not okay to let that ruin the rest of your life.

I think some people feel too much pressure to be fun and happy all the time. So really theyre not happy at all cause really theyre stressed cause they percieve people to think that theyre sad and depressed and boring. I know that one cause that happens to me sometimes. but its okay to be sad and have bad days. One thing I have learnt from making this blog is that people will like you if you're just yourself. If your open and honest, people will in return be open and honest with you. Sure there might be the odd person who stabs you in the back or causes you some problems, but other than that the majority of the world is good. yep yep. thats what i think at least.

Life is good and sorry for getting on my highhorse...or should that be rocking horse...I just want people to realise that its okay to just be yourself, things will work out if you stop trying to be something your not.

It finally Happened

2006-09-25T21:07:00.000+01:00

Yep its true. Lots of stuff happened today, lemme start from somewhere in the middle cause the beginnings not so interesting....

I got a payrise. WOOHOOOOOO! in writing, I have tangible proof that come my next paypacket there should be a little be extra. so now instead of working for peanuts im working for walnuts. mebbe one day I'll go up to cocohuts, or just nuts in general, but walnuts for now is acceptable. I was on 12 grand a year but I jmped a payscale and am now sitting at 14 grand. Still not alot considering the amount of hours and stress and the fact that w live so close to london, but hey. I can live with it for a while.

Other news today daddy managed to get the nappies we couldnt get on saturday. theyre really quite thick I like them alot.
I've come off the diet today in preperation for the party on saturday. We decided to go for Thai food and on the way to the restaurant there was a newt on the path. Which was something you dont see everyday so I picked it up and took it the the river. its not a good river, infact its not actually there at the moent, but its slightly damp and better there than the path which it was on at the time.

Also i'm dying my hair. Im putting it back to its original colour cause im not really a red head, im a brunnette. yep its true. It wasnt until a couple of years ago that I actually dyed my hair for the first time. I've always wanted wiggly hair, you know like a perm or something but im petrifed of it going wrong so i've never done anything that drastic to it. My hair a while ago used to come all the way down to my bum ....*giggling cause I said a bad word*.... And then one day I got it chopped off to shoulder length. I remember teh hairdresser almost having a mental breakdown, she kept stalling and asking if I was sure and that once she started she wouldnt beable to put it back. I kept asking her politely to do it and in the end she did and it was good. Part of me regretted it but im happy now.

And jane i'll make a horde character too, so far my alliance charcters not too shabby shes sitting at level 8 almost level 9 I just want her to get to level 10 so I can turn into a bear, its a pity yoo cant turn into a bunny that would be ace, or a caterpilar. i really want to be a squirrel. but if yoo say yoo can get cockatrices as a horde character then you've definetly sold me on that one

Another Weekend gone

2006-09-24T11:28:00.000+01:00

well its halfway through sunday now and first off i'd like to say I get paid on friday "WOOOHOOO!!!!" Money is good, its not the be all and end all of anything but its daddys birfday in a couple of weeks andtheres plenty of stuff to do before then. This weekend coming me and daddy are off up to liverpool again to see dee and adam and lots of people and i'm excited cause I love playing with people and I love going on trains.
I didnt post yesterday because last night I went to a dinner party thing there was sketti (which is one of my favrite meals) and apple and blackberry crumble which is my alltime favourite pudding. Actually all puddings are pretty good but apple and blackberry crumble is certainly in the top five all the ingredients were freshly picked too. but you know what....I didnt have any and I thought I was going to die. *sniff sniff poor me* I dont thnk i'm gonna be on this diet much longer. I've lost over a stone and I can fit into all the clothes I want to fit into, plus going to amandas party at the weekend would just be strange if I couldnt haf birfday cake. I mean how wrong would that be.
Oh the other reason why I didnt post yesterday was because I found a new game to play. Well actually I've had the game for a few weeks now but didnt install it because my puter said....."Whoa whoa there sammy, I dont have enough memory to play that game, plus my CPU speed is a little bit slow to make me do what you want me to do".....but yesterday I dunno why, I sorta just ignored all the warnings popping up all over the place and installed it anyway, and you know what. It plays fine. Sometimes theres a bit of lag but for a MMORPG its acceptable. its called world of warcraft and I know its been around for ages so im jumping on the bandwagon relatively late but its still an ace game. I have a night elf called smiggie, shes a druid and shes level 7 already which I think is pretty ace. I havent died yet but thats only a matter of time. I dunno what server im on though. it didnt really give me a choice I just started playing the game. So I'm not sure what to do there cause I wanna play with jane and emma leanne.
Also yesterday me and daddy wanted to go to hemel hempsted to pick up some new nappies but the poor car didnt start so we didnt do that. but we did some shopping well....thats about it. i havent tidied the nursery like I said I would, cause WoW kinda just swallowed my weekend. I feel bad cause im scared of neglecting daddy, so I better be careful to balance out my time, mebbe only play an hour of Wow for every hour of hugs?

Im warning you now, this is me whinging

2006-09-22T21:23:00.000+01:00

I've been a little bit down recently and i'm sorry. Sorry mainly to Paul, my daddy, he really hasta put up with alot. I moan alot, a helluvah lot and he puts up with it. Its mainly cause of the dieting. It has been going okay, not quite as to plan as I wish. This time its been really diffcult to stick to. i feel like because i'm not eating then daddys not eating and it makes me feel bad cause hes not eating cause im not, and then I know he does feel bad when he does eat cause he thinks im all deprived and stuff and at the moment I am feeling very deprived and thats bad. So I ate Tuna. Whoops. I mean its not teh worstest thing i could have eaten. I could have eaten the fish and chips I know daddy had today, or could have eaten one of the billions of cakes that were up in the staffroom cause a guy at work quit today and brought in lots of cakes to share with everyone as celebration. but i didnt. I struggled through today and messed up the diet with Tuna. LOL. Ah well never mind. I just feel like i've failed daddy but breaking the diet. I want him to be proud of me soo much and I just seem to always stuff it up somehow. but if im miserable dieting and im miserable being chunky. id rather be miserble and diet so then in the long term I can be happy right? I mean i should be happy with however i look and believe me once apon a time back when I was 18 stone and a size 24 I thought I was pretty happy. But now I've tasted skinniness and I know back when I was that large I know I wasnt happy. i convinced myself I was, but I wasnt.

Tomoro me and Paul have been invited to a dinner party sorta thing. I get to pretend to be grown up, and we hafta go get our abena abriform medium xplus from some dhl depot or something. Other than that the day is free so I might give the nursery its clear out finally, I've been saying i was gonna do it for weeks but just havent gotten round to it. Its not very useable at the moment its full of CRAP. But if I clear it out, then mebbe during the afternoon I can nap there and mebbe play with some toys.

I'm feeling a little lost at the moment. Work is okay the boss shouted at me today for getting pen on the mouse and desk. it wasnt just me yet the argument was directed at me so I just grinned at him which ticked him off even further. I kinda enjoyed that. I'm not sure what im missing. kingdom hearts 2 comes out on next friday and even though ive been waiting for years for it to come out I cant seem to muster up much excitement for it.

The only thing I really really want to do right now is get hugs. If I had five minutes left to live thats what I would wish for right now. just a really big hug from my daddy, it seems to be the only thing that can actually really drastically improve my mood. I kinda accidentally deprived myself of hugs yesterday. i was angry. i cant even remember why now, but I was like really angry so I sat down here and played my vampire game, even though I didnt actually really want to, and I wanted to eat biscuits really badly and I was just finding things really frustating and difficult and then daddy went to bed and I stayed downstairs and by the time I'd gotten up to bed daddy was asleep and I felt so awful cause I couldnt wake him up cause I knew today he had to go far into london to work. And he was working far in london especially for me. So I just lay there beside him and tried to get as close as I could without waking him, but all I really wanted to do was hug him soooo tightly. it made my heart ache bigtime, I get this thing where my heart aches so much that it also makes my finger joints....knuckles thats the word....ache, thats what happened last night and I was sad cause i really hoped that daddy hadnt been sad when he fell asleep. So I learned never to be angry at bedtime again.

And then today I wanted to help daddy so badly with doing a lighting thing for a theatre production, but when I found out that he was gonna be eating fish and chips I just knew that me sticking around would be a bad idea. So i'm here now waiting for daddy to come home and im soo tired and I just want to cry and i'm not even sure why. Hormonal perhaps? mebbe? Mebbe its a combination of alot of things. the relief of my job getting easier although my boss is still a bast....*the temepation to say naughty words there was sooo strong I thought it was gonna be kim possible not to say them* My sister had a miscarraige on sunday night, she didnt even know she was pregant and shes only 18, this whole diet thing going lousey...well not lousey, I mean im losing the weight its just I'm a little fed up with it, My friend befney being sick in hopsikle again, perhaps still a bit of a comdown from the camp experience like jane suggested.....and lack of hugs

I dunno. And I did warn you with the title that It was me whining so you've only yourself to blame for reading this

Anyway to end on a positive note. the picture. This picture for some reason fills me with hope, you know that dreams do come true and that magic does exist. It has a calming effect on me. the fox is very cute. Dont worry bout me kay. I'm sure i'll be back to my old self....or should that be young self.....2moro once ive had some sleep and a few of daddys special hugs

I chickened out

2006-09-21T20:38:00.000+01:00

Okay so I went to the doctors today and I didnt really get the opportunity to say anything much about my wetting problem, so it'll hafta wait for another day. I didnt mean to chicken out.

Oh the picture by the way...theres an explaination, you see im a bit of an AD&Der...(advanced dungeons and dragons)...Its a tabletop RPG. I know the very height of geekdom, but its okay. I get away with it cause i'm a girl. Thing is. I havent played it for a while, and rosie says she plays Magic the gathering. I havent played that in over a year but it's really good. It was one of the things I didnt get to keep when me and my ex mummy split up. in fairness she had a better collection than mine so rather than splitting the collection I let her keep everything. i'm kinda regretting that now.
I used to play shadowrun alot and thats where the picture comes in. the picture above is a cockatrice, or basilisk depending on what fantasy realm yoor reading into, some say theyre completely seperate monsters and others say theyre the same, but either way When I used to play shadowrun I used to have a pet cockatrice called Beaky. Now a cockatrices powers is the ability to turn things to stone. but Beaky used to be really rubbish at it cause thats the way I created him, yet he totally had the attitude as if he was the most powerful monster on the planet. I grew really attached to beaky cause he was so stupid but funny. I kinda miss him and thats silly cause I made him up in my head, but for a long time he acted like my muse. It was almost like an imaginery friend. I never had one of those as a kid, which was strange considering how alone I was back then and how active my imagination was.

Its almost daddys birfday soon, im having to start work on alot of stuff, and im really happy that finally my payrise will come into effect in this months paypacket otherwise october would be a really really tight month. But shhhh theres gonna be a secret going on for a while. i cant tell yoo till next month cause we all know daddy reads this blog and I dont want him to find out

Anyway hugs to yoo all.

Sammy

Life is good...no.... life is squeeeee

2006-09-20T17:37:00.000+01:00

Kay so the past few days have been interesting. yesterday work really really REALLY sucked like super much. I used to love my job I really enjoyed getting stuck in and playing with mud but the promotion I got a few months back meant i was in a different lab, alot more sterile and quiet and not so much playing with mud. The sparkle of my job ebbed away quickly, I was left feeling sad. yesterday daddy and me had some quality sammy time. The sammy that I am only when im with daddy by myself, a quiet very young little girl. He got me dressed outta my big girl clothes into my footed sleeper and nappy (well he changed the one that i wore to work) then I drewed him some pictures and he fed me my diet goop (it is seriously just like babyfood) and then told me a story (click clack moo cows that type....its a great book, quite funny, you should read it) and then fed me a bottle and put me down to sleep super early just like a little girl should. it was really lovely and just so relaxing and just what I needed and when daddy came to bed he checked to make sure my nappy wasnt too soggy and then hugged me lots and that was super lovely too. I woke up this morning feeling really positive about work and happy and relaxed......

And then I got to work and it all went horribly horribly wrong. A job that should have taken me 30 minutes took me 2 and a half hours and I was just fuming angry by the end of it cause my lab manager kept having a go at me, and something inside me just....snapped. So I went to my lab managers boss and spoke to him told him I was seriously considering leaving cause I used to love my job but now I hated it. told him I really disliked my manager and that i found it hard to talk to him, told him that if things didnt change I wouldnt be sticking around much longer. And you know what...the boss, he said "Sam, dont leave, we can work something out, but we'd be screwed without you" And then he called up my lab manager and we discussed things for an hour and came up with the soloution that I was gonna get to do the bits of the job I liked and I would still keep the payrise I got for being promoted, but i wouldnt hafta do the bits I didnt want to do and that in fact I would get to do things like qulity control and calibrations and all the stuff I actually wanted to do. So now I feel excited about my job again, that spark came back and I cant wait to go to work tomoro. I get to play with mud again and that makes me super happy.

I would even go into work 2moro early if I could but instead I hafta go to a nurses appointment. (its only taken me almost a year and a half to get registered with a doctor down here) I'm not sick or anything...well....theres lotsa stuff kinda wrong with me but nothing serious stuff like my ears. I find it really difficult to hear people I have done for a few years now, if theres any kind of background noise I really hafta concentrate when im talking to people. I think perhaps it makes me come across as rude at gatherings like down the pub and such cause I cant really hear people very good in places like that) So I think I should get that checked out. I was also gonna perhaps talk about my bedwetting issues. I know the problem is kinda self inflicted but mebbe good stuff will come outta talking to the nurse about it.

Change at moor park, met line closed due to flooding

2006-09-18T22:32:00.000+01:00

first off, how not to grow stuff. You know the matos I told yoo about way way waaaay back in I cant remember when. Well they finally grew into matoes and heres the proof

See see!!! I grew stuff. Well actually it was very much a fluke. I neglected the poor plants most of the summer theyre miracle tomatoes. how they grew I'll never know, but the diet im on means I cant eat them. LOL. But im gonna send one in an envelope to my folks up in aberdeen to prove that I can grow stuff..

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In other news me and daddy went to london yesterday to see the place where the real train he saved is gonna go live. But on the way back on the met line out of london my nappy was super soggy. (ive been drinking loads of water cause im on a diet), so daddy said I needed to be changed. Luckily daddy always takes the nappy bag out with us nowadays, which usually has a couple of tena in it a mat to put down on the floor some cream my binkie (dummy/pacifier) and a small toy to keep me occupied cause sometimes i get cranky during changes (giggling....its those cold wipes. I hate them)
But anyway he put the mat down on the floor and put me on it, took my shoes and trousers off and changed me there and then on the tube train. We had the whole carriage to ourselves and daddy knows alot about the london underground so although it said there were cctv cameras, he knew exactly which carriages had them and which didnt so he said there were no cameras in our cab which was cool, and then when he finished changing me he joked that he wouldnt give me back my trousers so I had to go back and sit down and look out the window and stuff and hope the train didnt get to moor park before daddy decided to give me back my trousers. he did in the end and I was glad. but anyway thats what happened to me yesterday.

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Today I got shouted at for being short at work. Being an AB is good when yoor five foot nothing and have size 3 feet, but when yoor at work it would be really benefitial to be 6 foot something. My eye level isnt the same as the two guys I work with so when theyre reading the miniscuses......miniski.....when theyre taking readings they get the same value, which is the right value, but i'm like a whole 7-12 divisions out cause my eyelevel is lower. So I got shouted at today cause I was wrecking all the tests. It made me feel bad. I do have a set of steps they got me to stand on, but theyre a pain to push around and i dont feel safe standing on them cause I kinda suffer from vertigo and ask daddy, im not the most stablist person with my feet firmly on the ground let alone halfway up a push along stool thing. I wonder if i'll get shouted at again 2moro. I cant wait to throw in the towel at my work. I just gotta wait for the right opportunity to come along then bye bye mud hello nappy testing or...toy testing or...bug looking afterering. Any of those jobs would be cool.

Also today I wrote my parents a letter, its their wedding anniversary on wednesday and I have no idea what to get them so im sending them money and a letter written from the heart. its that letter I promised myself I would write to them one day, you know of the stuff you wish you could say when yoor folks are no longer there. I dont want to look back and regret not saying some things, so I wrote most of the things down in a letter and am gonna send it to them. i think that might be a nice surprise for an anniversary gift. hopefully they'll use the money i send for a meal out together. My parents dont really spend any time with one another anymore. I worry about them not being happy, and if theyre not happy. even though its distressing i'd rather them split up and find happiness than stick around being horrid and angry at one another
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Oh and finally. I talked about yesterday and I talked about today so I better talk about 2moro.

Talk like a pirate day

yes its true it does exist and its coming to yoor door tomoro. (thankyoo littlevictoria for the link) daddy last year convinced me of talk like a pirate day so I wenta round telling everyone and saying stuff like "argh avast ye scurvy seadogs" My friends thought I was crazy, it wasnt until about a month later I found out daddy and louise had made it all up. I felt like such an idiot cause I'll believe pretty much anything daddy tells me.

Tired again

2006-09-16T20:18:00.000+01:00

Work really sucked today a few things went really really wrong and so some mud blew up that wasnt supposed to and well...I guess im not gonna worry about it. I just came home totally miffed, but daddy he saw i was annoyed and just hugged me then took me upstairs and put me down for a nap. I didnt really wanna go for a nap, but it's like I said in my previous post. If daddy says something then I can protest but I dont have much choice in the matter ultimately.

Today we met our friend Ari. She was super awesome. It was good meeting her cause I have spoken to her for ages. it was her first time meeting someone off of the net and so she was really nervous, which is totaly understandable, but I hope me and daddy werent too scary. i'd like to this we're nice genuine people.

I remember the first time I met someone from the ageplay scene. it was up in aberdeen and I went to pizzahut wearing a red dress and nappy (that was one of the very first times I'd worn outside) then we went back to his house which in a way was pretty silly of me. I mean I was 19 at the time and very niave. i didnt think anything bad would happen (and it didnt) but it could have. He was nice but I remember being super scared and nervous and when he suggested putting me in reins I said sure so he did and this immobiliser thingumy and really I put myself in a really stupidly vunerable position. I came away from that experience alot wiser. knowing I wouldnt be that stupid again.

But now I dont hafta worry cause daddy is always there to protect me.

Also I was thinking when I was on the train today yoo know when people say "fair enough" in reposnse to comments. What exactly does that mean? I was thinking its kinda a shame on people trying to learn english cause quite alot of the time I dont even understand it myself. I'll be glad when I'm old enuff to go to playschool and start learning this crazy language of ours.

Oh and hello to alaska and brazil *waving*

Bats and babies

2006-09-15T16:56:00.000+01:00

Luck is something I have alot of, at least I think I do, so i'm gonna give some out to some people kay

I wish Rosie luck, she is moving into her new house today and its always stressful moving, trust me I know. I've moved loads. Got born in edinburgh, moved 2 years later to salisbury, then moved to aldershot, then moved to outside aberdeen then moved to portlethen then moved to dundee then to a different place in dundee then to aberdeen then to a different place in aberdeen then to coventry and then to where I am now. Now when you consider im only 25, thats quite alot of moving.

I'm wishing befney lotsa luck too. Shes poorly, well she has been for a long time, but it must be super draining to be soo poorly all the time. I wish her luck with her friends and her mummy and her cussin and unka.

theres my bio parents. i wish them all the luck in the world, they've gotten themselves into yet more money trouble, and well, its their own fault. I know that sounds harsh but ive helped them outta debt before, theyve even 'borrowed' my signature a few times (and I use the term borrowed loosly cause I only found out that they had forged my signature when they didnt keep up with repayments and I found out I was being taken to court for not keeping up payments on some stupid catalogue items. man I was very miffed and probably have myself blacklisted when ive never done anything wrong.
But yes i wish them luck and possibly a dose of common sence wouldnt go amiss either

I wish my sister amanda luck in finding a job and my sister lisa luck in that shes just gotten engaged for the billionth time. I hope that this fella is finally the one for her.

I need to keep some luck back for me too though, cause well...I'm planning stuff and I need it to work, but thats not for a while yet, plsu i'm trying to loose weight and I need luck for that.

My target is to be a small bunny. Well actually yoo can see my target further down the page in the form of a baby wading itself through a horde of bats. Interesting no? well when the baby reaches its goal then this baby will be very happy indeed. I dunno how long its gonna take me, but once I reach 9 stone then i will be oober skinny and daddy will beable to pick me up which will be awesome. I mean he can pick me up now but im scared of hurting him I know louise used to pick me up and she used to hurt herself to do it. i would beg her to put me down but she would insist everything was fine until afterwards. poor her :( So i dont wanna do that to daddy.
Daddy looks super skinny but secretly hes really strong. I mean if I dont want my nappy changed but daddy decides its time for a change then I dont really have much say in it cause he could easily just do it regardless....*giggling* although it might sound like im complaining about that but really its a good thing. I mean its nice being overpowered in an kid sorta way, being manhandled is fun. Sometimes i protest and try to get away from daddy when hes hugging me or trying to make me go to sleep, but I cant get away from him and it makes me feel small.

Anyway its the weekend, although I hafta work both days so its not really the weekend at all, but well...never mind. I guess eventually it'll mean a bit more money, but really i'd rather have time with daddy than an extra 20 pounds :(

One day

2006-09-14T18:08:00.000+01:00

I wrote this just now. I'm not sure why. its not even that good

when I grow up

One day I'll be big enough to eat big girl food
One day I'll be tall enough to open the cupboards and get the sweeties out that daddy hides there
One dayI'll beable to go to school and learn things and make friends
One day I'll get to wear big girl pants instead of nappies
One day I'll beable to read instead of just looking at the pictures
One day I'll show daddy that I learnt to dress myself and tie my shoes
One day I'll ride my bicycle and it wont have training wheels on it
One day i'll stay up waaay past 7pm

But

One day daddy will no longer beable to pick me up
One day I wont beable to have naps in the afternoon or watch cartoons
One day I'll have to use colouring pencils instead of crayons
One day daddy wont know all the answers to all of my questions
One day I wont enjoy playing with my fingers
One day I'll have to deal with stress and heartache
One day my teddys will lay discarded instead of snuggled up in bed with me
One day I will become dissillusioned with the world

So you know what. I dont think i'm going to grow up. Ever, because for now, daddy can make everything in my world right.

*****************

Anyway me and daddy had a really really long talk last night. It was great, we just learnt alot about each other I think, well I certainly learnt tonnes about daddy and its made me feel even closer to him than I already was. As a result though I hardly had any sleep last night but im still feeling quite perky.

I hafta go vote today. I thought it was last thursday and dragged daddy out to go vote but when we got to the voting place it was dark and closed, and then I looked at the card and it was for today not last week so whoops.

I wanna show yoo this picture, this is Liza Jane riding on flump. Flump is mine and liza Jane is rachels. And this picture just makes me think of all my friends. its such a warm and happy picture for me. Two toys playing carefree and having fun.
Life is good.

just some more quizzilla quizzes

2006-09-13T20:04:00.000+01:00

okay, so I wanted to tell yoo a bit more bout myself, but I think i've kinda covered everything already in previous posts. i mean I dont wanna sound like a stuck record, and im a bit scared of going over old ground. oh one thing I should say cause yoo know I like statistics...this is post 110 since january pretty cool huh and also I need to say howdy to paraguay and uraguay cuase I havent said hello to them yet and they've been on my map thingy for a while, the truth of the matter is I just couldnt be bothered looking up on the map to see which countries they are, but you know what. I kinda learnt the countries in south america doing so now, so yay. I learnt new stuff today. So anyway I have some new quizzes to share. Im a bit of a quizzilla junkie and rather than ramble on about meaningless rubbish I thought i'd post this instead....

Your wise quote is: "Be kind to unkind people, they probably need it the most" by Ashleigh Brilliant.
You try to look beyond apperance, try to give people second chances and are probably very kind. Understanding is your biggest personality trait, and thoose you can see through should be grateful. If they aren't already. You detest narrow minded people, because they can't see what's really there. Facades is not your thing and you strive to always be who you really are.
Take this quiz!

Your soul is caring.
Other people are your concern, even if you don't know them. If you see a person trip you worry is he is okay. You put your loved ones first and you're very mature. When someones sick you're nurturing and always try to help family and friends when failure strikes them. You can be called the motherly one, if you are in a group of people, which doesn't have to be bad. Love is something that's already in you and you have a lot to give whether you believe it or not. Your friends probably love you very much and come to when they need help since you're reliable. People can feel secure with you and generally like you.
Take this quiz!

I really thought this one was funny, calling me a motherly one. thats sooo wrong. I'm not very good at looking after other people at all. I mean sure I listen to peoples problems and try and show them alternative ways around their situation, or try to simply lend a sympathetic ear (so long as I get it back cause I mean with only one ear i'd look pretty silly) but I wouldnt go so far to say im motherly. *shudders at the thought*
*************

The optimist - The hopeful

Often seen as the happy one with a carefree attitude, the Optimist has a dislike for feeling down. When a bad situation or dilemma arises, they prefer to look on the bright side. A negative outlook will not make things better, and the Optimist finds it that they're better off believing in the good and be happy, with the occasional letdown, instead of having bad premonitions all the time and worry about it. After all, it is certainly nicer to feel happy rather than sad, so why not enjoy yourself while you can?
It is not that they're stupid, they know bad things can happen. But they want to believe, and can therefore be naive. Their attitude doesn't mean they are social people, for this factor varies, but the Optimist likes to spend time with those they care about and have fun. Perceived as air headed, they can be as well. For the future they have hope, and not many things can get them down for a longer period of time.
Of course they can feel sad and cry, but by sharing their feelings and wishing for the better and not dwelling on the problem, they recover. The Optimist rather prefers to think of what they'll be doing later that day/week. Entertainment is one of their best friends.
Quote:"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." Buddha

Take this quiz!

But anyway. Life is good now daddy is back. Well it was good before, but its much more gooder now he's back. 2moro I fink I hafta go to work at like 6ish or 7ish depending, but i really really haftat go in early or im never gonna get everyfing I need done done. its really hectic at the moment and the boss has said that its gonna get even busier come november, so my plan is to not be there by november LOL. I've got a plan up my sleeve though so dontcha worry. I just hope it goes the way i'm hoping it will, but like it says in my quiz, it wont keep me down. I'll figure something out.

Hes BACK

2006-09-13T07:56:00.000+01:00

Daddy came home, he came home and I hugged him sooooooo much. And now I can be happy again. I gotta say a giant fankyoo to Dee and heva and adam cause she totally tried heaps to cheer me up and it worked to a large extent, and even gianter hugs to Rosie cause without her I probably would have set fire to the sofa or traipsed mud throughout the house and put painted handprints all over the white walls. But instead the house remained not only intact but tidy too.

I dunno if I've ever spoken about our back garden before, but its a jungle or ivy nettles and bramble bushes. I mean to the extent that over the sunday me and rosie cleared the garden. It took practically all day and we found things like large buckets and bits of ex- xmas trees and all sorts that we didnt even know was there, thats how bad the garden was. But now it looks like the beginnings of a garden. Daddy wants to have a garden railway in the garden which I think will be cool.

But oh yeah I also hafta say hi to wales and hi to russia. ive never had a russian blob on the map. Thers not too many countries now to collect. gotta catch em all, so if anyones ever in china or mexico or...well actually theres still tonnes of countries really I havent collected. Keep trying everyone and one day i will beable to co-ordinate everyone writing sammy across the globe. LAFFIN

I wore a very stupid pair of jeans to work yesterday. Its not that they were stupid but that they were very low, like hipster sorta jeans and when you wear nappies hipsters really aren't that Ideal. I was clever enough to wear a baby-gro underneath my jumper but even then, it was terribly risky and I caught more than one person looking at my middrift, I wonder if they could read the words tena? and see the 8 little drip symbols. I sincerely hope not. I went home at lunchtime and daddy was there and so he got me changed (cause im always soggy at lunchtime :( mebbe one day I can wear big girl pants huh.) And I just hugged him so much and it was good. And he got me a tshirt with miffy on it which is awesome and...well...now I guess I gotta go back to work huh. I'm thinking about not having my job for much longer. I dont get paid very much considering im next in command after my lab manager. And theres him bragging yesterday that he just bought a brand new jaguar one that talks to him. I think thats a bit strange. Having a car that says good morning and stuff I think would freak me out, it has sat navigation in it and I could just imagine taking a different route than the one the cars telling you to go and it would be like

"Sammy you're going the wrong way."

"Yeah but I want to go this way"

"Yeah but you hafta go thhis way its the optimum route"

"Yeah but I really wanna go this way to see the view"

"its not that good trust me, just go the route im telling you"

"no"

"fine then, I mean all I am to you is a machine, what was the point in spending and extra 9 grand on my software upgrades if youre just going to ignor me. I thought we were friends"

....etc

See what I mean. I want a car that yoo can just drive, not one thats gonna make you feel guilty for not topping up the oil. Hey I watched the news last night. well kinda...daddy watched the news while I was snuggled up on his chest so I kinda heard the news, and there was this car that was driving on hydrogen. it looked very space aged. I wonder what kinda explosions would happen if you crashed it though.

*hugs to yoo all. I'm in a talkative and philospohical...wait thats not how yoo spell that...phillosofical....thats even worse, i was closer the first time...im in a reflective mood today so theres a possibility of a second post when I get home from work.*

*hugs and love*

Sammy

just another boring quiz

2006-09-11T19:23:00.000+01:00

Okay so I dunno what possessed me to just fill in this stupid quiz but I have done so..TADAA. If anyone wants to write they're responses I'd be interested to read them too....and now im off to sleep

1) Do you talk in your sleep?.
Very rarely. Apparantly I have done though.

2.) Ocean or pool?
Bath?.....Ah-okay so whats the point I hear you say, about a question stating ocean or pool and me picking something else completely different....well, its my blog I can do what I want to right?

3) What's your favorite song at the moment?
oooh thats tough. I really like lost prophets I dont know. If yoo havent heard it its on the jukebox thingumy further down the page.

4) Current Crush?
Well daddy of course. I'm missing him Sooooo much which is why im distracting myself with stupid quizzes

5) what's your favorite color(s)?
Purple

6) Window seat or aisle seats?
Window always.

7) Ever met anyone famous?
Nope. kinda saw the camp guy from ello ello drinking in my local pub though, and almost met anthony stewart head (that posh bloke from buffy) but couldnt be bothered standing in the queue

8) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life?
Not yet, but hey I've got plenty of time and i've got a few tricks up my sleeves

9) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
I try and twirl it but that never works, actually spaghetti is my most messiest thing I can possibly eat. its great fun. poor daddy and the surrounding area.

10) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey?
Bleurgh...although I was asked on trisha one time, (as was I believe the majority of the UK AB community) I politly refused.

11) Basketball or Football?
no fankyooo

12) How long do your showers last?
whats a shower. This little girl avoids clean at all costs

14) Cake or ice cream?
ICE CREAM CAKE. I want it all nownownownownownow!!!

15) Are you self-conscious?
Isn't everyone.

16) Have you ever given money to a Homeless person?
Yes

17) have you been in love?
yes

18) Where do you wish you were?
Wiv daddy :(

19) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Yes. Louise was really poorly and I went with her in teh ambulance and it was about 11 at night and I just sat by her bed all night.

20) Can you tango?
I can fanta

21) Last gift you received?
A picture painted by Rosie

22) last sport you played?
Whats sport? Its sounds scary...well is croquet a sport cause I played that, oh and badminton is a sport so actually ive played a few, oh and spacehopping, thats gotta be a sport

23) Things you spend a lot of money on?
hmmm...clothes. I got some really cute shoes a couple of weeks ago

24)....why do people erase questions???
Cause they dont want to answer them I guess

25) Last wedding attended?
I went to daddys parents wedding revows, thats gotta count

26) Favorite fast food restaurant?
Mcdonalds quarterpounder with cheese meal and a strawberry shake. The ultimate for me in junk food, and now im hungry

27) Most hated food(s)?
CUSTARD Blurgh blurgh...and califlower, I think that tastes poisonous

28) Can you sing?
hell no!

29) last person you called?
I'm not sure I dont really use the phone cause i sound like an idiot on the phone, I get all tongue tied

30) what's your least fav. chores?
hoovering but I hafta do it cause its on my good girl star chart

31) Favorite drink?
milkshake!!! yum yum strawberry or choclate YUM...and now again with the hunger

33) Are you a vegetarian?
NO im a sam

34) Do you believe in Heaven?
errrr... I'd like to think theres something after life, not sure if heavens it. But its a nice idea

35) Have you ever come close to dying?
I think so once I almost drowned and it was really scary cause I struggled and struggled to get to the surface of the water and then I realised I couldnt get to it and I paniced and then I calmed down and this strange sence of sad calmness came over me. Luckily a man swam past and I grabbed onto his leg and hauled myself up on him.

36) What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
I dont wear jewelry but I do have my wrist band with daddys details in it that I wear all the time incase I get lost.

37) Are you eating?
Eating? What exactly? And actually no im not. I'm currently on a special diet I've been on it for a week or so now since coming back from camp and Ive gone from 11 stone 5 to 10 stone 8 so not doing too badly.

38) Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
Yep theyre the best bit

39) Do you wear makeup?
Nope. I dont even have any makeup. I wouldnt know how to put it on and i'd only make a mess of myself

40) Can you dance?
Nope I really really cant. When people see me dancing they point and laugh

41) Would you ever have plastic surgery?
not for cosmetic reasons, although if it was to improve my health then I'd consider it as a last resort

42) What do you wear to bed?
normally just my nappy and either my powerpuff girl pajama top or my footed sleeper, sometimes one of my onsies.

43) Have you ever done anything illegal?
Probably

44) Can you roll your tongue?
yep yep. im multitalented dontcha know

45) What kind of sneakers do you wear?
ones with flashy lights in the heal

46) What is your Hair color?
red although really its brown. Im gonna get it back to my normal colour some time this week

47) Future child's name?
LAFFIN. Quigquag after my first gerbil, reason enough for me never to have children. no seriously I dunno what names. I guess if it was a boy I would hafta fit james in there somewhere mebbe cause of my dad

48) Do you snore?
yeah with almost cataclysmic consequences.....poor daddy

49) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
Disney Land, or Norway or well anyway I'd be happy seeing anyplace I havent seen before, altohugh out of all the places I've ever been I thought Amsterdam was the prettiest

50) Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
thats such a dumb question to ask someone like me. Of course. Sleep wouldnt be right without fish and flump

51) If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
faint?

52) Gold or silver?
choclate

53) Are you ticklish? And when were you last tickled?
too ticklish sometimes people dont even hafta touch me and I start getting ticklish and giggling

54) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what?
beetroot

55) City, beach or country?
beach

56) What was the last thing you touched?
keyboard to type this? other than the keyboard I just stroked the cat just so I could write cat

57) Where did you eat last?
err sitting on the sofa I think. mmmm choclate muffin

58) How often do you check your Myspace?
I dont have a myspace and I dont want one either. But I check this place first thing every morning

59) Whens the last time you cried?
today I just watched lilo and stitch 2 and it was sad

60) Do you read blogs?
yep

61) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
yeah i guess

62) Ever been involved with the police?
Yes. I once told my mum a man had tried to get me into his car. I dont know why I did, attention seeking I guess, I was 11 at the time. I begged mum not to call the police but she did anyway and so I had to give a statement and stuff. then she told my local school and there were assemblies on it and everything. it all got blown outta proportion. that was the day that I learnt to always tell the truth no matter what the consequences.

63) What would you do for the one person you love?
Anything.

Just another manic sunday

2006-09-10T21:26:00.000+01:00

Okay so this weekend has been super busy. Rosies been staying, keeping me company cause daddys still living it up in amsterdam. Together we have done a kazillion billlion trillion things, most of which should have been done months ago.
I'm not sure if I should mention the biggest thing we've done because daddy might read this from an internet cafe cause he said he was gonna get me a new dot on my map. (which incidentally has over 7000 hits now. It was only like a week ago it only had 6000, so thankyoo to all yoo fools who keep coming back and reading more of my waffle.)
But other than the major big thing that took us most of the day today, we have also painted pictures (I wasnt aware but rosie is absouletly awesome at painting, if yoo ever meet her ask her to paint yoo a picture. I swear you wont regret it) and I did tonnes of housework. I know I know not the most excite#ing of days to blog about....lemme try again okay...

I was tidying the bedroom when I accidentally triggered this switch behind the headboard of our bed, it made the wall swivel round and I accidentally discovered daddy is really a secret agent, there were all sorts of secret gadgets and stuff, and then the doorbell rang and I went downstairs and opened the door and this big dragon was on the doorstep and he gobbled me up and thats what happened today.

Yesterday me and rosie went to the cinema we went to see that film "Right at your door" We had no idea what it was about. It was either that film or that "little man" film. I know if I was to watch that film I would just cringe all the way through it. Cause its just a bit too...err... I dunno what the word is, but too many adult pretending to be a baby jokes. It would remind me too much of the time I was staying at my parents house just after revealing my AB side to them, and we were all watching coronation street or something like that and then the adverts came on and all there were were baby adverts, one after another nappies and baby formula and clothes and I just cringed so badly that in the end I had to leave the room. I couldnt bear thinking what my parents must be thinking. *shudders* even now that memory gives me goosebumps.

But anyway back to my point. the film "Right at your door" or whatever it was called was really good, but very disturbing, a bit tooo close to the bone, about what would happen should the A bomb actually be dropped. It was sad. And while watching it I kept almost reaching over to rosie to hold her hand and squeeze it cause I kept expecting her to be daddy. I missed him very much then. I miss him very much all the time. I wish he was here.

Me and my daddy

2006-09-08T19:26:00.000+01:00

Daddys gone. hes livin' it up in Amsterdam, all that canabis and PANCAKES!!! The beer there leaves a little to be desired but hey PANCAKES!!!!! Plus the canals are soo pretty and the trams are ace and well...its one of my most favourite places in the world. I remember last year we were in the hotel after going out and we decided to go to the hotel bar so I took off my shoes cause my feet were killing me and so I went down there in my socks with daddy only to find the bar was closed. He suggested we go find one outside I said sure. I didnt say I didnt have my shoes on and daddy didnt know cause my jeans (like usual) were too big for me so they went over my feet. So hand in hand we wandered the streets of hamsterdam (thats what we call it) looking for beer, and then it thunderstormed and poured with rain and we found a pub had some beer and whilst we were walking back my jeans had soaked up alot of water (yes real legitimate rainwater, my nappy hadnt actually leaked) and daddy said "roll up your jeans" I shook my head and grinned and it suddenly dawned on him that I wasnt wearing any shoes. It was soooo funny. He gave me a piggy back ride home. While the thick thunder rain pelted down. That memory makes me love my daddy very much.

Uh-oh tooo ikkle

2006-09-07T07:24:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I had a shock. I'm a member of an online site

Diaper Girls

Its quite a good site considering its more heavily involved in the fetish side of the whole infantilist thing rather than the emotional side of ageplay, but there are some really interesting topics discussed plus all my friends use the chatroom there. I have...had an account for a couple of weeks or so now cause my friend dee invited me there to play and everyone there was really nice to me. I had a few pics of me there and things were going great. Only I went to check what had been going on there yesterday only to find I had been banned. (DUH DUH DUUUUUUUH.....<-----Its that suspense music again )

I'm trying to find out exactly whats going on, at first I thought OH NO not again...I've had a couple of people in my life steal my online persona and cause a bit of mayhem. The first one I think a member of GT emailed me saying "hey did yoo know this picture of you is at this website" I said "No show me" So they sent me a link to a french website which I then had to register with to view my own photo. It was me holding my big stuffed bunny Sunny....(actually on hindsight I wish I'd taken a copy of that picture cause even though its on the net somewhere I dont actually have a copy myself ....LOL) So I went on the site ready to kick butt only to find that the mods were already kicking the man who had posted the pic because they believed me underage....(I was 22 in the picture) So he got booted from the site which I found highly amusing.

The second attempt was from (i assume) a girl in australia, where I found a pic of me on her yahoo 360 profile. I must admit again I was shocked and a little flattered, but the fact she had also taken my name and age freaked me out a little, and then when I actually read her 360 profile I had to find a way of getting her to stop because she was quite sexually explicit in what she liked, and some of my friends had thought that by speaking to her they were speaking to me so some people were getting really confused. So I emailed her saying could she please take the picture down, and she asked why, and I said ...."Well its not you because its me." In fairness she was very apologetic and took the pic down, but I still felt odd for a while.

But anyway dee and a few other people on the diaper girl forum are trying to get me reinstated which is super lovely of them. I'm still not entirely sure what exactly has happened but speaking to a MOD last night the actual owner of the site has banned my IP address, she believes its over this picture

But obviously she doesnt know for sure. Apparently the theory is I look underage. Which made me blush and obviously I felt good about myself but I find it quite unny and ironic that i've been booted out of an AB forum for looking too much like a baby. I was 24 when that pic was taken. it was taken easter day. the buggy is a scaled up baby jogger.

I hope everything gets resolved if only so I can play with dee and the rest of my friends there. It kinda makes me sad that I wasnt given any warning or explanation. I just hope it can all be sorted out. It is quite funny though. I mean if I look underage then I guess the owner of the site is just trying to protect what he's built right? But still an email saying sorry but ive banned you, wouldnt have gone amiss. I was trying to find a pic of my looking grown up so I can prove im overage...but err....there doesnt appear to be a pic like that. LAFFIN....uh oh...mebbe i'm just tooo ikkle

finking

2006-09-05T23:27:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I fink of odd things. Like for example You know when you dream and people turn up in your dreams that you dont know their names, theyre just random strangers. Well do those people actually exist somewhere? Have I turned up in someone elses dream and they just think I'm a complete stranger. What about old friends who im not in contact with anymore, people from nursery school, have I turned up in their dreams. Or maybe the people I dont know who are in my dreams, mebbe theyre kids and stuff I met when I was a kid and now im dreaming of their adult self cause they've grown up.....Ok so I dunno why I thought about that today I just did, but sometimes my head just goes off on a tangent.

I've been playing a vampire game recently its quite addictive. Im already level 5 which is pretty ace.Lemme suck yoor blood Its ace.

Sometimes its just really good to emmerce myself in a mindless game. It certainly helped today work was the worst day ive ever had. I got shouted at and everything I touched went wrong and well...im not happy. I fink im gonna start looking for a new job.

Me and daddy did some recycling today its fun throwing bottles in the bottlebank cause yoo can hear them smash. Its quite fun destroying things. I think when I grow up....(IF I grow up) I'm gonna be a sith, vet, traindriver. Nodding. yep yep thats a good job to have I think.

Only when the power of love has overcome the love of power, shall the world know peace.

2006-09-04T19:54:00.000+01:00

Deep title huh. Its a saying I came across the other day and it made me think about alot of stuff. About past regrets, things I cant put right no matter how much I may want to and just generally all that is wrong with the world. It made me particularly think today though because a friend of mine has gone and upset not only her boyfriend of 4 years but a few of her friends too and now they're not speaking to her and shes just been wandering around the lab miserable. She doesnt know how to put things right. I dont know how to either. Nothings ever hopeless though.

Some people think that it’s great to be rich,

To be cool and keep up with trends.

But riches and looks just don’t matter at all

Cos what really counts is your friends.

I mean I guess all I really want in life is my friends and family to be happy. If they're happy then im happy. I'm sure that if my friends intentions are good then things will work out for her right? Or am I still being stupidly optimistic. Maybe thats just one of those things I hafta accept in myself. I think that to be honest I started being stupidly optimistic when I let sammy out of me. before that, during my dark goth leave me alone phase I used to be exactly the opposite. My glass of life was alway half empty. Its one of the reasons why im glad I let sammy out. But you know what, I cant stop being me cause that would be silly. I mean im still optimistic that my friend who used to be my mummy will eventually talk to me again and that we can be friends again. Mebbe even smooth things over with a few other people. I dont like falling out with people. It doesnt sit very well with me. But I still believe stuff will work out good in the end.

Speaking of working out, there was a letter pinned to the wall at work from a local hopsital saying thankyoo to Tim. Tim donated his vital organs for transplants and now two people have recieved his kidneys and are doing well. one of them had been on a waiting list for 8 years and the other had been on the waiting list for four years. Both had young families of their own. Another 38 year old man benefitted from Tims liver. All three people have had their lives improved because of Tim. It made me happy and sad to read the letter. I'm glad other people will live because of Tims.

Hiya

2006-09-02T07:08:00.000+01:00

HI. Today is spetember the 2nd and I wanna just throw a few statistics at-cha.

First off I wanna wave at the obscure places that have visited my site, the philliphines and oman. I think this month has been the biggest month for australian hits and in total since staring the map thingumy ive had 6423 hits. Thats quite a few huh. Thankyoo for reading stuff I write. It means alot to me. I mean I would blog regardless of whether anyone reads it or not. But its nice to hear views of people like me.

On tuesday when I went with rosie to the nappyhappy nursery me and brian (thats the guy who runs the place) were talking alot about what got us into the whole nappy/baby thing and just talking to him and to karla and some of the girls at the weekend I realised how very very lucky I am.

Some people are married and havent told their partners about their little side, to scared of their reaction I guess, some people live in denial of who they are inside. But its never too late to tell someone, even if you've lived with then X amount of years. I mean if someone is your soulmate or yoor wife/husband then surly they must accept you for all of you, not just the normal vanilla bits. I feel sad when I think of all the people I know who hide themselves and then I see people like emily and jane and that makes me glad. I remember when I first told my best friend. i was so scared she was gonna hate me she wasnt into the scene at all but when I told her she was really accepting of it all. I'm not saying thats like everyone, some people are brutally unaccepting of other peoples needs. I mean I've even heard of stories where AB girls and boys will tell ABs who are male but wear cute girl dresses and want to be girls that they're strange and freaks, and that just makes me really angry and sad. You'd think that if yoo have something like AB in you that you'd be more accommadating of other people who are into the same scene just a different thread of it. its the same with babyfurs they seem to be looked down on and I just wanna make all that stop. I mean who cares right if anything I think having a tail would be cool. I'm trying to grow a squirrel tail at the moment cause I think it would be an ace thing to hug if you were lonely, its not going to well though. BUt what I guess im trying to say is im super lucky everyone ive ever told has been fine with who I am, my parents my friends and now I have a daddy who not only looks after me but does it to perfection. I know im lucky in the fact that im a real girl and for some reason its less acceptable for a boy to want to be babied and loved unconditionally, but never give up kay. Be who you are in your heart and things have a habit of working out, if you hide from yourself then in the end yoor only fooling yourself and you cant really truely be happy ir yoor lying to yourself

On thursday it was Tims funeral and that also got me thinking alot. I mean obviously he didnt know he was going to die and he had all these plans to do like going potholing and learning to be a steam engine driver and just lots of stuff, tonnes of people turned out at his funeral which was really lovely to see. im not sure he realised he had that many people who cared about him. But it made me realise that i dont wanna be in my job forever I need to get things moving in alot of areas I cant keep putting stuff off cause I never know when im gonna pop my clogs. So yesterday I finally got myself a doctor. Which is super awesome ace, and by the end of this week I need to sort out my driving license and do loads of housework. I need to write a few letters one to arcee cause I hafta send her the picture I drew especially for her, and one to amber cause i miss her tonnes, one to dg and one to ari, mebbe on to bethany too who lives far away in 'merica. So lots of stuff to keep me busy.

I need to find a new job too one thats better paid and no weekend work. I just feel like im getting itchy feet and for the amount of money im getting paid im expected to do an awful lot. I'd like more time to be wiv daddy more tim to do the stuff I want to do rather than Have to do. I should use my time more wisely dont waste a single drop of it.
Im back on my crazy diet i started yesterday. So today im hungry, but its okay in a few weeks time I'll be skinny again and then things will be alright. arcee tried to pick me up the other day and I almost put her back out, im so scared of hurting daddy. this way if im a stick then I can clamber all oer daddy without worrying.

Anyway everyone be safe kay?

Camp last day and beyond

2006-09-01T07:42:00.000+01:00

The last day I woke up and left daddy sleeping. I had to go find money to pay the bill so I went outside and bumped into jane which was a nice surprise cause I thought they would have been long gone. We chatted a little bit and she een told me about a close cash machine which was great of her. So I went there and purchased so money and got a bottle of cocacola and some mints cause I wanted to do that experiment I posted a video of ages back on my blog. So I got back and bumped into emily and jane leaving so said my goodbyes again, I'm really glad they enjoyed themselves I remember in january my first camp I was sooo nervous and scared but ending up having such an awesome time cause everyone is soo accomadating and just really wonderful people I felt accepted and amongst friends right from the outset.
Anyway Breakfast I actually behaved because I needed to zoom out of the room as soon as possible to fill up my water pistol. me and amy decided to have a waterfight and I had my swim costume on and once my pistol was filled up we went outside. It was cold and a teensy bit drizzly outside but me and amy are mad enough to not let that put us off so we really soaked one another (this is the point I really wished I had brought my swim nappy cause the nappy I was wearing was very good at absorbing any water thrown at it)

Noone else would come out to play then eventually Arcee did and me and amy ganged up and soaked her and then Karen the hotel manageress tried to ambush us but we were no match for her and sent her running back inside. Everyone else was standing at the door keeping it locked incase we ran inside and soaked everyone. At one point arcee came back out and tried to say she had nothing behind her hands but she was standing right beside the door and someone quickly took the waterpistol she was hiding from her and locked the door again so she really was unarmed. That was quite funny. Then rachel joined us with the teeniest waterpistols I had ever seen and debbie and linda came out with bottles of water and it turned into a really great water fight. It ended with amy accidentally standing on Rachels glasses. Rachel managed to fix them with wire.
Then before we went in I tried to do that cocacola and mint experiment it wasnt as impressie as I was hoping. I think mebbe I needed extra strong mints rather than imperials. Anyway daddy took me upstairs and got me dried off and dressed and then it was pack everything away time and say our goodbyes. I was really sad to be going but I think I hid it well.

It was such a lovely weekend and I really tired myself out all the running around and acting like a 2 year old left my 25 year old body with a few aches and pains in places I didnt realise I had.

There were things I did that I really enjoyed. just small snippits of things where I found myself in a really good headspace I felt really little and enjoyed escaping from reality for a while
Once again everyone was so lovely and wonderful and I really enjoyed getting hugs and just sitting down and talking with people like me. The hotel felt so comfy that I just kept falling asleep everywhere I just felt so relaxed and it was just nice to share the whole of me with my friends rather than keeping a part of me hidden. Thankyoo everyone who was there for making me feel incredibly lucky.

The train trip home was stuffed full of people but eventually we got home and pretty much went straight to bed and slept for several hours. Then our friend rosie came to stay overnight which was ace. Rosie is like my big sister shes very sweet and has been trying to find a house in london for ages so she asked me if I would help her and I said yep yep of course. Well rosie also is an AB and she actually works in an AB nursery in kent called happy nappy, Happy nappy nursey
so because I didnt have work on tuesday I went to work with her which was ace we drove down early on tuesday morning and just spent the day coloring in pictures and playing with playdoh. The nursery is really pretty and theres a large oversized baby bouncer (carrie I really need yoo to make one of those for me pleese...*giggling*) and a high chair and the biggest baby cot yoo've ever seen and tonnes of toys. We went to the winnie the pooh shop and rosie got me a present and I got her one too and then it was time to go home. and then the next day we went house hunting and finally found a house for her to live in which is super awesome ace cause that means shes gonna be living pretty close so im gonna get to see her all the time. Anyway thats why I havent been blogging until yesterday cause Rosie was here. Anyway I think thats me all caught up now. A few loose ends to tie up but i'll leave that for the next entry.

*huggling yoo all fankkyoo for being my friends*

sammy

Camp day3

2006-08-31T19:25:00.000+01:00

Day three I woke bright and early and jumped all over daddy again. (poor him he must be getting used to it though) and he got me dressed and ready for breakfast. breakfast again was a blur of mess and butter, this time being aided by carrie and emmaleanne rachel and well...pretty much everyone within butter lobing distance. Then it was alices treasure hunt which was super awesome we traipsed all over the hotel and hanneke was a really ace witch and I think it was samantha and jennifer who found the trasure in the end which was lots of choclate and toy keyrings.

Then after the treasure hunt it was a party with proper helium balloons and cake and sweets
Where I proceded to yet again get covered in chocolate and jam and all sorts, by this point daddy was finally beginning to see a theme and just let me get on with it. i was so covered I even surprised myself.

Then everyone went outside to play and we played badminton and arcee made some really ace aeroplanes and I played with my balloon and watched debbie and linda playing with hoops. It was really sunny and made me feel really little. I really loved just laying on the grass staring up at the blue sky and watching the clouds reflected in my purple star balloon. i felt so carefree

We went inside and played pass the parcel where I had to tell a tongue twisted which sally jane suggested which was Iced ink, and then even though I didnt win the prize samantha who won the second prize gave it to me which I thought was really sweet of her and then we all just chilled out for a bit talking and colouring in and doing what we wanted to do, daddy dissapeared but came back saying carrie had given him something for me to try on, so i followed him up to the room to find a set of reins waiting. I like reins and I dont like reins I dont like the fact that daddy could stop me running off that was annoying but I like them cause they remind me of my childhood and I used to have a set very similiar to the ones I tried on. i wore thenm for dinner and sally jane and daddy tied me to the back of my chair which meant I got even more messy than usual cause I couldnt put my head over the bowl. sally anne got me icecream which was really lovely of her and I felt exceptionally spoilt cause I had extra dessert and then after dessert and when everyone had gotten down from the table karen (the hotel manageress) smuggled me an orange icelolly im not sure why she did that but it was really lovely of her.
That night it was a sleepover party normally amber tells everyone a bedtime story but instead Francine told a story. it was a good one called blue moo (i think) it was good and we all played uno and had hot choclate and marshmellows and there was a quiz which me and daddy won I won a barbie but I gave it to hanneke cause barbies are a bit too advanced for me i would just end up chewing the feet off of it

That was the end of day 3 Daddy put me to bed early cause the past 2 nights I'd had late bedtimes so I said goodbye to everyone and hugged jane cause they were leaving early the next morning. Then daddy took me to bed and put me down and switched on the baby monitor and went back to talk to people.

camp day 2

2006-08-31T12:59:00.000+01:00

the next day was saturday and I was up bright and early jumping all over daddy trying to wake him up. After a sucessful jumping all over daddy woke up got me changed and dressed and then himself and together we wandered down to breakfast where I proceded to get completely covered in bacon and beans and marmalade. I managed to keep a bit of bacon but daddy kept taking it off of me. I was gonna keep it as a pet. afterwards it was time for the everyone to do arts and crafts and Caroline was really great cause she brought tonnes of glittery things and sticky foam letters and all sorts so even I could play cause I was worried I wouldnt beable to cause im not allowed sizzors. But I made a door hanger thing that says sammy on one side and daddy on the other. and then I drewed some pictures and coloured in one picture, although people seemed to think it was funny cause I had a really pretty picture of little miss muffet but i coloured in the whole thing yellow. I dont know why thats funny. I thought it looked pretty.
I chatted some more with some girls mainly arcee jane and emma leanne although I did talk alot with rachel too. Then it was the girlympics which consisted of a relay race and three legged race a obstacle race and a stomp on the balloon game (which was my favourite one cause even though I had the biggest balloon tied around my ankle I almost won. Sally jane popped up and gave me playdoh which was super lovely of her cause playdoh is one of my most favouritsest stuff in the whole world. and me emma leanne and Jane tried to make perfume although it turned out to be beer in a wheelbarrow by mixing lots of leaves and petals and anything we could find really in with a stick. Daddy kept telling me off and I know I was being naughty but it was just soo much fun I couldnt help it. And people got muddy so I wanted to get muddy too so I knelt in some mud and it was all squishy. I played badminton with arcee and karla and jane and emma leanne and carrie and samantha and I think jennifer as well. Samantha won the obstacle course. And jane and emma-leanne in the 3 legged race were hilarious cause they could run in a straight line but when they needed to turn left they turned right. I thought that was oober funny.
There was just so much going on around me lots of different girls getting up to different things. Its hard to remember the order in what happened. We crammed so much stuff into the space of three days that its all gotten a bit higglytepigglty in my head. I remember it started to rain again so we all headed back inside and played with the playdoh sally jane had given me. then we had dinner and it was super lovely followed by double helpings of lemon merange pie YUM YUM which I managed to spectacularly get down my front. It wasnt my fault....honest then it was a disco and that was super awesomest ace. I jumped up and down sooo much that I really knackered myself out to the point where I zonked out on the sofa. And that was the end of saturday. Theres tonnes of pics I wanna show yoo but they hae lots of my friends in them that I dont think they'd be happy me plastering their pictures all over the web so you'll just hafta take my word for it that It was brilliant. And theres other bits and pieces that noone took pictures of bits that mean lots to me. like when arcee showed me her favourite song and when rachel made flump into a steed and when Fish was hijacked and dressed in a pink tutu and when amy wouldnt give flump back and said that flump wanted to go with her. playing playdoh with jane and emmaleanne was ace. And I got to talk to some of the girls I didnt quite talk to last time like samantha and jennifer.

More to come soon

CAMP Day 1

2006-08-31T07:11:00.000+01:00

hiya everyone. Yes Yes I know its thursday and I havent blogged. I'm reeeeely sorry, but you see I had a friend down to stay and so we've been out most of the week so havent had time to sit here and write everything I want to write...but i'll get to her visit shortly. I may even blog a few times today just to break it up into proper chunks. Before I start i apologise to all of those here who have slow internet connections cause this post is gonna be quite picture heavy, due to all the pics I wanna show you. okay here we go.

My Camp trip, day 1. by sammy

me and daddy packed on friday morning an hour before we were due to leave on the train. we could have gone up the night before but there was a comedy night with norman lovett (holly from red dwarf) that I really wanted to go to cause he was one of my idols when I was a teen. I was dissapointed with what i saw, but the other two comedians were really funny. but anyway....so me and daddy packed and then went on the train. Going on trains is always fun. it always feels like an adventure. we looked out the windows and counted the cows and the sheep and I even saw a heron which was cool. then we finally got to where we were trying to go and daddy was super lucky cause the train was one of those virgin plasticy things but to get to wales it had to be pulled by a real locomotive thing so daddy was really happy cause he wasnt expecting it.
we walked up to the hotel from the train station where arcee and amy came out and hugged us and it was really great to just see some friends out there waiting and to get hugs. we stood and chatted for a bit whilst daddy still had the tonne and a half worth of backpack on his back and then we went to our room. Arcee came with us cause she had some shoes that she was giving to me cause ive got stumpy feet. They're pretty pink ones with shapes cut out of them which make them look very babyish. She even gave me some frilly socks to go with them. Arcee tried to pick me up but almost put her back out. I'm heavier than I look. Short and dense. *giggling* well me and daddy relaxed for a few moments and then headed downstairs to find....nobody. not a single person. At first I thought everyone was hiding from me but it turns out everyone was outside for a teddybears picnic.

so I grabbed fish and flump (flump was a little scared cause he had never been to a camp before) and headed outside with daddy where there was a very pink wendy house and everyone sitting around drinking cherryade and eating cupcake.
So we ate some food and then the games started. The bouncy castle was dragged out and inflated and it was one of the parts I was super oober giantist looking forward to so I was on it within seconds and just bounced until I couldnt anymore. Linda bounced on it with me and arcee and eventually after a little coaxing even daddy clambered on and played. And it was just really ace but I wish I was healthy enough to bouncy on it forever

I managed to stay clean for the majority of playing outside that day. we also played with a big parachute thing, but im still not sure what it was we were supposed to do with it, and we played with arcees bubble set which was really good fun cause i tried to eat lots of bubbles they didnt taste that bad and then it started raining so me arcee karla and samantha dragged the parachute over to the bouncy castle and we hid there for a while but then it began raining so much we all decided to go inside.

Inside we just sorta collapsed onto one of the sofas and just chatted with people and watched people turn up. Jane and her partner turned up and I was excited cause well..obviously I'd never met Jane but we talk alot on this site so I didnt really know what to expect. but when I saw two people checking in I nudged daddy and said (that must be them) and it was. It was really great actually meeting someone I'd spoken to through this site alot. It was odd cause I was talking to jane but jane already knew so much about me cause of this site but I hardly knew anything about her.

Then it was time for dinner and it was like a buffet thingumy with lots of potato salad and meat and lettuce and pudding was CAKE!!! I'd already had several bits of cake at the teddybears/dolls tea party but this was full on black forest gateaueax....how do you spell that word? gatteau...errr a big cake and sally anne (thats amys mummy) kept saying I could have the WHOLE thing daddy kept saying no though, otherwise I would have certainly given it a shot. I managed to eat loads of cake and get it everywhere and by this time the sugar buzz had really started to kick in.
We all pretty much sat around the hotel and chatted, some girls played cards some did jigsaws and coloured in. I was beginning to get sleepy so daddy put me in my sleeper suit and then Caroline and a whole heap of girls went to the beach but I couldnt go cause daddy had already gotten me dressed for bedtime. So i stayed at the hotel and talked with a few girls about why we were who we were. then when everyone started getting back from the beach I played some with emma leanne and hugged daddy lots and spoke to acree tonnes I could feel the coca cola buzz beginning to wear down and so I zonked out on the sofa only to be woken up by daddy at about half 2 saying time for bed poppet. the room was almost deserted so I mumbled my goodnights and went to bed. Only to find that daddy had managed to lose his hotel key so we snuck into an open room and slept in that bed instead. (it was a much nicer room than ours anyway)

And that was day 1 I drifted off to sleep happy knowing that I was finally here after so many months of waiting....

To be continued.....